24 Quotes From Muslim Comedians

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I am taking a quick break from ISIS related attacks in Barcelona, white racist related attacks in Charlottesville, continued chaos in the very White House, depressing BBC documentaries about the partition of India, and the prevailing dust in my house thanks to the awesome extension my wife has embarked upon (very much a solo endeavor on her glorious part).

So, before I catch my breath back, here are 24 quotes on a range of subjects from Muslim comedians, along with an eight minute video from up and coming journalist Aymann Ismail on the touchy and complex subject of Muslims and jokes. As always, enjoy!


Muslims Can’t Take A Joke About Islam? Don’t Tell That To These Muslim Comedians…


9/11 was a tragedy because we lost 19 of our best guys. – Kumail Nanjiani, from his movie The Big Sick (2017)

Aziz Ansari Composite

Being Muslim American already carries a decent amount of baggage. In our culture, when people think “Muslim,” the picture in their heads is not usually of the Nobel Peace Prize winner Malala Yousafzai, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar or the kid who left the boy band One Direction. It’s of a scary terrorist character from “Homeland” or some monster from the news. – Aziz Ansari

Bigots hate all of sorts of groups. So if you say you are Muslim, in a way you are also gay, you are also Mexican, you are also Asian, you are also vegan. It literally does not matter what you are to those who hate. You turn the dial and you are that thing to whoever is hating, because bigotry is not super nuanced. So it is patently absurd when we don’t fight other peoples fights. It is just absurd. – Negin Farsad

For the moderate Muslim it is very easy to scare the living shit out of everybody now…It’s because we don’t have a lot of representation, that’s why people are scared. We don’t see a lot of Muslims on television. You’ve got Fareed Zakaria, Dave Chappelle, Barack Obama. That’s about it. – Aasif Mandvi

For those of you who don’t know much about us Muslims, you’ll recognise us from that hit TV show, the news. We have been on that one a lot this series, haven’t we? We’ve got recurring characters. It’s on at prime time. We’ve smashed that show. – Tez Ilyas

Here’s the big secret I’ve learned in the last few years. Nobody knows what they’re doing. Nobody does. Everyone’s winging it out there. Some people are just better at pretending to be confident. Because nobody, nobody’s done. Nobody’s cooked. People are constantly growing and evolving and changing. When I was a kid, I thought of my parents as these superheroes who knew everything, and that they were already the people they would always be. And as a grown-up, I realize they have the same struggles I do, that everybody does. They uprooted their lives and moved to America in their 50s, started over. In the last ten years, I’ve seen them change in ways I never thought possible. – Kumail Nanjiani, May 2017, from the Grinnell College Commencement Address in Iowa

I am an immigrant. I am an Indian, and also a Muslim, but I lead with the Indian part just because the Muslim part is a little controversial sometimes. – Aasif Mandvi

I asked my mate Chris about his wedding. I asked him “Chris, what’s it going to be like? What can I expect? Is it going to be a big wedding? How many days do I need to take off?” And this lunatic said “One.” One day! How do you fit it all in mate? I said “Alright, one day. That’s mental!” I then said “Alright, but it is going to be a big wedding?” He said “Massive mate. Massive wedding mate.” I said “Cool. How many people are going to be there?” This guy goes “A hundred.” And I’m like “Bruv, I have a hundred people over at Sunday roast in my family.” A hundred people! This guy’s bragging about his big wedding. Now, I went there, I had an amazing time, it was wonderful. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a white persons wedding before. It was really, really nice and well organised. And that’s not even a dig, I’m just saying it is, they are. Just the people invited, only they turn up, it’s crazy, it’s insane. – Tez Ilyas

I censored myself after the Manchester attack. It just felt too raw going on stage and talking about terrorism. As a comedian you have to understand the climate you’re performing in. There’s a time and a place to do that material. I was hurting too – I grew up half an hour away from Manchester. Also, audiences can be a bit drunk at a club night and what you’re saying can get lost sometimes. There are times when I’ve made a point of not censoring myself, like after the Paris attacks. I wanted to show that Muslims are not those people who committed those atrocities and so wilfully kept my material the same. – Tez Ilyas

I did kiss my boyfriend’s many times…via text message. – Sakdiyah Maruf

Ramy Youssef

I feel something in my heart when I pray. I really do. The connection is there. But I also really feel something in my heart when I get a Tinder match at 2 in the morning. And I don’t know how to deal with that. Do I drive over? Do I pray Fajr? I do both. – Ramy Youssef

I grew up in an Indian Muslim family. A lot of Americans can’t understand how Indian and Muslim goes together. It doesn’t compute for them. It’s sort of like seeing a construction worker eat a sorbet. They’re like how do these two things go together? But it was tough growing up in a Muslim home because I didn’t have a lot of things that my western friends had, like the Easter bunny, and bacon bits, and I never got to see my mother’s face. Things like that…[Waits for audience to laugh] That’s wrong. That’s wrong. Fuck you all for laughing at that. You’re all racists. – Aasif Mandvi

I love being British. If you are not British, you are missing out. Frankly, that is my conclusion, because there are so many benefits to being British. Literally. There are so many benefits. Just learn how to fill out a form, and it is brilliant. I don’t call them benefits, obviously, I call them reparations, but never the less they are great. – Tez Ilyas

I never feel that I need to worry about a fundamentalist reaction to my stand up because I live in America. That’s why I think being Muslim in America is the best place to do stand up. Yes, okay, there is all this stuff, there’s bans, there is this, that, or whatever, and all this politics. But I think we get to be ourselves in a way that we can’t anywhere else. And I think that’s why our parents came here, because they want to be Americans because they feel like that is the thing that will allow them to be Muslim. – Ramy Youssef

I recently learned that being in the vegan club is the exact opposite of being in fight club. In that, the first rule of vegan club is: tell everyone about vegan club; and the second rule of vegan club is: tell everyone about vegan club; and then the third rule is: don’t eat meat, et cetera. – Tez Ilyas

I went to this Catholic church…and I did notice that it was a bit cold in there because they don’t have central heating in there like we do in mosques. I’m not showing off, I’m just saying, you know. We haven’t got as much money as they have, but we don’t spend it on stupid things…like ruby slippers…and all that compensation. – Imran Yusuf

I’m not good with my feelings, which is why I try and deflect people using my bad jokes. – Kumail Nanjiani

It is hard to be Muslim in America. It is difficult, because we are Muslim and we want to believe, but we also want to do what everyone is doing. And the hardest day is Friday, because there is Friday prayers, and then there is Friday night. Sometimes you see the same people in both places. – Ramy Youssef

It’s an interesting time being Muslim at the moment because a lot of people have written and said a lot of things about us over recent weeks, months, even years. Like some people, you know, the ones out there, the ones with access to the internet, they think being Muslim is only about animal cruelty, oppressing women, and claiming benefits. That’s what they think it is, and what those people haven’t realized is there are downsides as well. It’s not all summer camps and Nandos up here! Have you tried looking after four wives in today’s economy? It’s expensive. It’s expensive. – Tez Ilyas

My mother wears the burqa, mainly because she doesn’t want to be seen with my dad. – Shazia Mirza

Never in my wildest dream did I aspire to become a stand up comic. In fact dreams and aspirations are luxuries for women living in my community. – Sakdiyah Maruf

We are all human. And I guess that is what comedy is all about. Comedy is not about me. Comedy is about you and me. It is about us. It is about us celebrating our humanity, acknowledging that we are all human and, by extension, that we are all flawed. And that we do not have the right to feel that we are the rightest of the right or the truest of the truth. We’re just human. We are flawed. – Sakdiyah Maruf

Why is it that when Alex grows a beard he’s a sexy lumberjack, but when Tez grows a beard we gotta ask him questions? – Tez Ilyas

Citizen Khan

Comedy has the ability to humanise communities, as you are constantly looking for common traits, you are looking for universality. So when you are writing a comedy, I think, especially on BBC One, if you can get to the point where people can connect with a British Muslim Pakistani father, that’s a good thing, so that you in a sense laugh at the same things, the same concerns. – Adil Ray, creator and star of the BBC sitcom Citizen Khan

THE BATTLE OF THE MAN BABIES RAGES ON

Trump Man Babies

We all know the media is obsessed with Trump, especially CNN. But why am I? Even after all that has happened? And my obsession is dark, it is negative, and it shows no signs of abating. There is nothing about the man I like. At all. Is there a psychological definition for someone who is obsessed with all things Trump? Can my own symptoms be described as some form of mental psychosis? If so then, dear reader, I most terribly afflicted.

But it seems I am not the only one. The website Quora asked Why Is Everyone Obsessed With Trump? and here are some of the responses:

If Obama didn’t have so much attention, it was because no one thought he was unstable enough to launch a nuclear war on the basis of a Tweet, or gullible enough to trust his gut over the data provided by seventeen intelligence agencies. Trump is a loose cannon.

Imagine you are in a room with a toddler and he has a loaded gun. Trump is that toddler…While we are all in that room we should all watch the toddler closely.

He’s the biggest circus to come to town in a century. How could we look away?

And it is not just adults who are afflicted. The journalist Annie Pfeifer describes how her 3 year old is also plagued:

My 3-year-old daughter is obsessed with Donald Trump…Who could blame her? He shared a first name with Donald Duck, and his last name rhymed with “jump,” her favorite activity. She was never able to pronounce Hillary Clinton, which evolved into “Hairy Clinton,” and then finally, “Mustache.” (I can’t pretend to follow a toddler’s logic, but it appears this was one more demographic with which Secretary Clinton failed to resonate.) – Annie Pfeifer, 20 Jul 2017, nytimes.com, from an article entitled Help! My 3-Year-Old Is Obsessed With Trump

So what has my obsession been up to these days? He has been doing his best John Wayne impression, hoping it scares off Kim Jong-Un. In the World War II movie Sands Of Iwo Jima (1949) John Wayne proudly declares “Lock and load.” Fast forward to 2017 and we have President Trump boasting from his New Jersey golf resort that “Military solutions are now fully in place, locked and loaded.”

At this precise moment the Battle Of The Two Man Babies is raging on, albeit verbally, with the self-declared leader of the free world and his Asian-lookey-likey trying to out-whack-a-doo each other. As we all seem to be dragged towards a nuclear zombie apocalypse, I thought it best to laugh while we still can. In that hopeful vein here are some rather satirical comments about Trump. Enjoy!

PS For more funny Trump quotes please see here and here.

Trump Breaking Alert

The nuclear age began this week in August, right around this time in 1945, when we dropped two bombs called Fat Man and Little Boy. And this week it came full circle with a different Fat Man and Little Boy. Oh yes, Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un, if you haven’t read about it, are trying to see who has the bigger micropenis. That’s what this is all about, isn’t it? This whole conflict could be resolved by two hookers willing to lie. That’s all I’m saying…Also, they changed the hats. It says ‘Make America Glow Again’. – Bill Maher

Knowing this administration the nuclear launch code is probably ‘password’. – Bill Maher

Trump once said, and this is an actual quote, “We love the Bible. It’s the best. We love ‘The Art of the Deal’ but the Bible is far, far, far superior, right?” Not only is the Bible better than ‘The Art of the Deal’ it’s also the opposite. The only thing they have in common is that Trump has never read either of them. – Seth Meyers

Citizens around the world have been hugely relieved to know that the missiles and bombs which will end their lives will be fired not by mad terrorists from an armoured truck, but by responsible pilots carrying out the whims of a mad president. – from Private Eye magazine, Number 1442, 21 Apr 2017

Trump would hate church. It’s an hour of people talking about someone other than him. [Imitates Trump] “Is this whole thing gonna be about Jesus? Did you know he had zero hotels? True story. On the day he was born, he could not get a hotel reservation. It’s sad.” – Seth Meyers

He fulfills an important role of celebs: giving millions of people the chance to feel superior to him. The gloomy face and the antique adolescent hair, the mannequin wife and the clueless children of privilege, the sheer pointlessness of flying around in a 747 to say inane things to crowds of people — it’s cheap entertainment for us, and in the end it simply doesn’t matter. – Garrison Keillor

Voting for Trump is how a country commits political suicide. – Tony Kushner

To summarize: Spicer quit because of Scaramucci, who took down Priebus, who was replaced by Kelly, who took down Scaramucci. – tweet from Paul Farhi, 31 Jul 2017

There’s not enough Prozac to get through the day. – Al Gore, referring to living in the era of President Trump

In London last week, I met a Nigerian man who succinctly expressed the reaction of much of the world to the United States these days. “Your country has gone crazy,” he said, with a mixture of outrage and amusement. “I’m from Africa. I know crazy, but I didn’t ever think I would see this in America.” – Fareed Zakaria, 27 Jul 2017, before Priebus and Scaramucci were fired

A guy that shits in gold plated toilets is talking to blue collar workers. – from a CNN report

I said I would drain the swamp but then I clogged the drain with Goldman Sachs turds. – Trump, from the satirical TV program The President Show, 27 Jul 2017

I’m telling you guys, this White House, you can’t get this big a shit-show at 3am in Berlin…I love this White House so much. You know, most presidents would try to get their team all on the same page, but Trump has his team try every page. He’s like “Okay, you tell them we didn’t talk about pardons. You tell them we only talked about pardons. You tell them I died during the meeting. And I’m going to tweet that I’ve never met any of you guys. All right? Go!” – Trevor Noah, Jul 2017, referring to Trump’s lawyer and his communications director saying opposite things about discussing presidential pardons

The Trump presidency is the answer to the question: what would happen if The West Wing was written by Adam Sandler? – Nish Kumar

I have a very simple test for fairness: does this thing earn me money, make me look smart, or arouse me sexually? If the answer to any of those is no, totally unfair. – Trump, from the satirical TV program The President Show, Jul 2017

I make promises, and when I break them I make excuses. I make something out of absolutely nothing, like voter fraud. I can even make something into nothing, like climate change. Poof! Where did it go?! I make a spectacle of myself, the networks make a killing, and you make believe everything is going to be okay. And I don’t know, maybe it will. – Trump, from the satirical TV program The President Show, Jul 2017

Trump thinks impeachment means really enjoying a peach. – from BBC TV program The Mash Report

6 FUNNY VIDEOS ABOUT MUSLIMS

Guz Khan

Due to the loss of my broadband for a week, and with my house currently being a building site as it is extended because my wife wants so desperately to keep up with the Kardashians, I have not really been able to blog that much. Not that anyone has noticed.

Anyways, as you may have gathered I absolutely love riding that big wave of comedy, so I thought why not just do a quick blog post featuring some short funny video clips, just to add a wee bit of levity to proceedings.

Therefore please enjoy the following 6 rather funny videos which, as with all good humour, make some thought provoking points inbetween the punchlines. Enjoy!


Playground – A Muslim, A Sikh And A Racist & 9/11

Amir K – Fake Terrorist

Aasif Mandvi – Aasif Mandvi’s Deportation Jamboree

Guz Khan – Why Do Muslims Commit Terror?

Ali Hassan – Best Joke Ever

Omer Wahla – Muslims Are Terrorists?

Immigrants! Immigrants! IMMIGRANTS!

Kevin Bridges

Immigration is one those nuanced issues that can be very hard to understand. Many viewpoints are put forward, and whilst you are trying to understand these along come a horde of counterpoints, making confused matters very confusing indeed. In such cases it is often a stand-up comedian who will provide some much needed clarity to the topic in hand.

Take for example American Indian comedian Rajiv Satyal who, in just over 8 minutes, tackles issues of immigration, racism, Pakistan, India, Kuwait, the American dream, and more:

As Americans I feel like we are dicks about immigration. I feel like, you know, we wonder why people want to come here and yet we say it is the greatest country in the world. Well of course the advertising campaign is working, people want to come here. And of all things, we put a state called New Mexico on the border. Of course Mexicans want to come here! It’s newer! That’s just a dick move. “And this is Old Mexico, by the way, so that is really, really uncool.” I’m just saying that if there was a New India and Pakistan my parents would have gone to check it out, you know what I mean. It just sounds like a good deal. “Same price, newer. Okay, we’ll go.” – Rajiv Satyal

And here is the always brilliant Russell Brand who needs only 92 seconds to explain the concept of immigration in terms of our global economy all via the medium of Fox News:

Not only is Fox News bigoted, it’s also misleading. I once watched it for 12 hours and there was not one story about foxes. Just stories about immigrants, really. Not even stories, just shouting. “Immigrants! Immigrants! Immigrants!” All right. What? “IMMIGRANTS!” You know that an immigrant is just someone who used to be somewhere else. “Aaahh! Have you always been there?” “No, no, no, I used to be over there.” “Aaahh! Keep still! I can’t relax with people moving around. Keep still on this spherical rock in infinite space. Keep still on the spherical rock with imaginary geopolitical borders that have been drawn in according to the economic reality of the time. Do not pause to reflect that free movement of global capital will necessitate free movement of a global labour force to meet the demands created by the free movement of that capital. That is a complex economic idea and you won’t understand it. Just keep still on the rock. And don’t be gay on it!” – Russell Brand, from his live show Messiah Complex

Another comedian who has tackled this thorny subject is Scottish stand up and author Kevin Bridges. I recently finished reading his excellent autobiography We Need To Talk About…Kevin Bridges, in which he does indeed talk about immigration. Please find below an extract from this book and, just to provide some context, Kevin is referring to a then recent trip he made to London with his older brother John in 2005, and the Festival mentioned at the start is the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Anyways, not only do I hope you enjoy this extract, but I also hope it provides a wee bit of a fresh perspective on how you think about immigration. Enjoy!


Kevin Bridges Book

Just a month before the Festival started, the London 7 July bombings took place. I watched all of the footage on TV, and I recognized places where I’d been with John.

I recognized Tube stations and streets, and London seemed much closer to me now that I’d visited and felt a connection with the place.

It was a tragic loss of life. As I watched the reaction over the weeks that followed, I started to write down some things I’d noticed. I’d watch the fear and the hysteria being perpetuated by some media sources. Then, two weeks later, the shooting by the Metropolitan Police of the innocent Brazilian Jean Charles de Menezes, in Stockwell station, blew my mind.

The story of what had actually happened was unclear in the immediate aftermath, but it was commonly accepted at the time, although since proven false in court, that Jean Charles de Menezes had been running, was told by police to stop, but kept on running, presumably to catch his train.

There were also tabloid articles reporting that he had been ‘acting suspiciously’.

I’d hear people say how they ‘sympathized’ with the police officers and the stress they were under, how they ‘couldn’t take any chances’, and making other statements like that which wouldn’t have been alarming if we were in the Deep South of America.

‘He was acting suspiciously in a train station. Who doesn’t act suspiciously in a train station? If you need a piss or have an itchy arse in a train station, you act suspiciously,’ I’d say, and act out edgily looking around, uncomfortable and trying to have a scratch without anyone noticing.

‘You’d maybe expect people to walk away from you, but not seven fucking bullets in your head.’

Comedy could be social commentary as well, and I’d enjoy it when the audience would laugh and then applaud, recognizing there was more behind the joke. I liked getting into a ranting style and giving what I was saying some conviction.

This was coming with confidence and experience, and if I could keep my writing up to the same level, I’d be on my way to becoming a good comedian and a professional comedian.

London had recently been awarded the 2012 Olympic Games, and it led me to make a joke about an Olympic city where people are shot for running.

I’d never go into a subject as dark as a terrorist attack purposely looking for a humorous angle, but it was through watching comedians like Richard Pryor and Chris Rock that I saw comedy could also make a point, as long as it was funny.

Articles I read about the ‘true cost of asylum seekers to the UK taxpayer’ also caught my eye, around about the same time, with certain newspapers rinsing everything they could from the racial tensions and anti-Islam feelings that followed on from the 7 July bombings.

I’d listen to people, guys in pubs, guys in the bookie’s, guys on the bus, guys on radio phone-ins or being vox popped on current affairs shows — always guys, guys who’d read tabloid newspapers at face value, taking every headline entirely as fact — ranting that the country was being taken over.

I’d never say anything, but I’d listen and wonder what the real reasons were for what they were saying, what their real problems were.

There was no point engaging in a one-on-one debate with someone who had no real weight behind their claims other than that they wanted to believe them. They wanted to believe that every foreigner who arrived in the UK was immediately given a luxury penthouse apartment and a Premiership footballer’s wages every week on benefits.

They wanted to believe that ‘this country’s lost its identity’ because it’s an easier way of saying, ‘I preferred it when it was all white people.’

Challenging or questioning these outlooks would maybe make people consider looking at the issues in a different way, but only until they met someone who agreed with them and reassured them that they were right, that immigration had destroyed everything.

On stage, though, I could make light of these flawed but increasingly popular viewpoints and maybe offer some sort of defence for people unfortunate enough to be born in a war-torn hellhole, who had managed to make it out, to start a new life.

I’d done some research and found that the majority of asylum seekers, at the time, were fleeing from Iraq and Afghanistan and their ‘true cost’ to the UK taxpayer was a fraction of the cost of the two wars the UK was needlessly involved in, in Iraq and Afghanistan.

We were the ones dropping the bombs on them, so we couldn’t complain when they were looking for a place to stay.

‘If somebody blew your house up, you’d expect them to at least put you up. If my house was bombed, I’d be asking questions. Did you just fucking bomb my house? I’ll be crashing on your couch for a bit, then.’

 – Kevin Bridges, from his autobiography We Need To Talk About…Kevin Bridges (chapter 60, pages 428-430)

NONE OF US KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON WITH ANYTHING

Frankie Boyle NWO

Whether we like it or not we are bombarded with information daily, hourly, minute-by-minute. This makes it virtually impossible to cut through all that digital data and get to the true heart of the matter. I am therefore always in admiration of anyone who can achieve this no mean feat of providing clarity in our world of ever increasing confusion.

Frankie Boyle is such a person. The author and stand up comedian has for many years been commenting on everything from religion to politics to gender identity and beyond. He is someone I have blogged about many times before (for example here). A recent example of this ability to clarify are comments he made as to why people are so intrigued by the upcoming much hyped boxing match between Floyd Mayweather and Conor McGregor:

It’s about time we found out whether a non boxer can beat the world’s best boxer at boxing…Don’t get me wrong, I think someone trying to beat possibly history’s best defensive boxer purely by being a mad cunt is actually beautiful. – Frankie Boyle, 12 Jul 2017, from his Twitter feed

Not only is he active on Twitter with over 2.6 million followers, but he also does things like discuss philosophy for 70 minutes with another inquisitive mind, Russell Brand, on a recent podcast entitled Is It Possible To Live A Moral Life? (well worth listening to if you get the time).

Another example comes from the 4 glorious episodes of his TV show Frankie Boyle’s New World Order, aired recently by the BBC and with each episode well worth watching if you can find them on YouTube or BBC iPlayer.

Below are some of my favourite quotes taken from these programs. They come not only from Frankie himself but also from some of the special guests he had on each episode, and they cover topics as varied as Trump, Obama, technology, the state of the world, class warfare, racism, and much more. Enjoy!


Politics is a sort of class warfare. You have a political class engaged in arms deals, profiteering, and corruption, ranged against a public who have been educated out of any understanding of the situation and trained to despise each other. And that’s how we end up with Theresa May. Therese May is the first Nazi in history who can’t get the trains to run on time. – Frankie Boyle, Jun 2017, a few days before the general election

Putting shit through someone’s letterbox has always been a very ironic tactic used by racist people, because they will be like “We’ve got to get them because they’re like monkeys.” “How do we show them that they’re monkeys?” “Well, we’ll shit in our hands and throw it at them.” At some point does no one say “Look, white power and everything, but I’m carrying no shit.”? – Dane Baptiste

None of us know what’s going on with anything. I have a mobile phone contract that is 89 pages long. I don’t know how much of my soul is owned by EE. We don’t know anything about anything. Why should Brexit be any different? – Katherine Ryan, June 2017

I just think this is a genuine moral thing. Sir John McDonnell was in trouble for saying this was like social murder, or whatever the phrase was. But I think it is worse than that because if you set out to murder someone in a moment of passion, that’s one thing. But if you set up a whole series of circumstances that will probably lead to people dying, and then you just let them die like bugs on your windshield, that’s a different level of immorality. – Frankie Boyle, June 2017, speaking about the fire at Grenfell Tower

Brexit will be Christmas for racists. People said after the Brexit vote that British people don’t trust experts anymore. I don’t think that that’s the problem. I think the problem is that British people have strong opinions based on fuck all. And while there are a lot of perfectly valid reasons to want to leave the EU, the people who were most empowered by the result were, let’s be honest, racists…Yes, Brexit will be Christmas for racists. A proper Christmas where all the shops are shut because there aren’t any Muslims who don’t care about Christmas to work in them. – Frankie Boyle, June 2017

It takes quite a bit of work to be the black sheep in the Trump family. – Frankie Boyle, July 2017, referring to the unveiling of Donald Trump Jr and his Russian meeting in 2016

We live in a world where foreign policy norms seem to lack any kind of morality, where neo-colonial policies make our military adventures abroad little more than licensed murder, where Britain thinks of itself as having a special relationship with America but America thinks of Britain as somewhere that it stores its missiles, somewhere a bit like a shed. We live in a world with an encircled Russia, with a North Korean leader firing missiles into the sea of Japan raising the very real risk of waking Godzilla, and with a US president so deranged you could form a better president from the meat in his colon. – Frankie Boyle

Say what you like about Trump he has proved a lot of people wrong, sadly not George Orwell, Margaret Atwood, or whoever wrote the Book of Revelations. – Frankie Boyle

One of our main problems is that we don’t really understand the moral problems of how we act in other countries. We think that we target militant people with missiles with precision targeting. You can’t do that. You can’t target something specifically if you are going to blow it up with high explosives. There is no point finding the clitoris if what you find it with is an uppercut. – Frankie Boyle

Trump is not going to be assassinated because the assassinators are on his side. You are not going to have a vegan shoot him in the face. – Katherine Ryan

The assumption is that Obama was not a violent president but Trump has highlighted, by his idiocy and madness, how dangerous the times are we live in. That is a positive thing about Trump. That is a thing about him that is better than Obama. – Romesh Ranganathan

Our lives are being ruined by technology. Technology has consumed what happiness we once had. I was sitting in the park the other day, reading my phone, and everybody else was sat there on their phones, and a guy came along and you know what he did? He stood around in the park just looking at the trees, like a fucking serial killer. – Frankie Boyle

Technology could be a good thing but it exists within the constructs of capitalism. YouTube could be good but it is ruined by adverts. What is it about me spending 5 hours watching pensioners falling over that suggests that I am in the market for a brand new Lexus? – Frankie Boyle

I love technology. It has enhanced my life in every way. I am very lazy. Sometimes I will ignore my own child just to look at photos of my child. – Katherine Ryan

IF YOU NEED ME TO PROVE MY HUMANITY, I’M NOT THE ONE THAT’S NOT HUMAN

Suhaiymah Manzoor Khan

One of main reasons I started this blog was to show Islam and Muslims from a different perspective, different from the mainstream media who frame certain issues in ways I do not really agree with. I am therefore always on the lookout for like minded people who can help us to see things in unusual ways.

Which neatly brings me on to slam poetry, which is a type of poetry performed at a poetry competition known as a slam. At a slam poets perform original work alone or in teams before an audience, which serves as the judge, so the judges don’t even have to be poets themselves. Poets perform without props, costumes, or music. In other words, just their raw selves. After performing the work is judged as much on the manner and enthusiasm of its performance as its content or style.

Just type in ‘slam poetry’ in YouTube and you will be inundated with results. I have chosen a few of my favourites and presented them for your delectation below. Because this is a type of performance art, many slam poems are not intended to be read silently from the page. Despite this, I have tried to transcribe some of my favourite quotes from the selected poems.

The poems are performed by a variety of people: an American marine, a British Hollywood actor, young girls on Eid day, and others. They speak honestly about personal experiences, feelings of heartache, and hopes for the future. Some are Muslim, some not (I think). Anyways, I hope you find each poem interesting as well as entertaining. Enjoy!


Hersi – Terrorism Is Not A Religion

I know it was your people who blew up the World Trade. So every time I see a towel head that prays the way you pray, I’m reminded of that day. I’m not racist, all I am is afraid…

I understand atrocities caused by people like me, so let me start with apologies for those inhumane nineteen so you don’t constantly blame me…What type of a country will take the actions of a few and blame it on a whole civilization? I mean, thank God we don’t live in that nation!…

In school they teach us to be outspoken but that’s not what I’m shown. I fear if I speak out I’d be the next on a no-fly zone…

I feel for the brothers named Mohammed cuz only God can give them a job…

At first they would ask me questions like if we went to war today would you shoot us or shoot them? And such radical quotes are usually taken as a joke by how long can a joke go before you start to think is this the only thing they know?…

Listen, there is terrorism and there are terrorists living. But the last time I checked terrorism and terrorists are not a religion. So for the last time what do you want me to say? Because you refuse to see eye-to-eye with me. If you want to know the truth look at the foundations of my belief, in one dialogue you’ll hear it in my greeting: upon you I wish Salaam. Which means peace.


Amina Iro And Hannah Halpern – A Muslim And Jewish Girl’s Bold Poetry Slam

We both live in a country that swears up and down that all people are equal. Our hands should be cupped together, fists raised as one, fighting against the stereotypes that this country has put upon my people…

This Jewish girl and this Muslim girl are far more similar than our religions would like us to believe, because I bet you didn’t realise that we have the same favourite movies, and that we both love…hummus! And we keep being asked the same darn questions every time we fall head over heels. Is he a respectable Muslim boy / Jewish boy? Did you meet him at the mosque / synagogue?…


Boonaa Mohammed – Kill Them With Love

Prejudice takes time but my time is business. And this just makes big dollars and sense. Why would you hate when love just costs less?…

Your ignorance leads me to believe that you really just need a hug…

Whether you like it or not, I am your brother…Yeah, you’re a racist but I’m gonna still hold the door open for you…This respect thing is just what I do…

So tell me what you’re gonna do when the love come for you? Insult my heritage? We’re both from Adam and Eve, fool!…

I ain’t impressed by money, cars, clothes, or fame. I am a Muslim, so the trinkets of this world don’t mean a thing…

I invite you all to join me in this jihad of love, and see first hand why fundamentalism still begins with fun. And if you don’t agree, I won’t even judge. I just kill you all…with love!


Suhaiymah Manzoor-Khan – This Is Not A Humanizing Poem

Write a humanizing poem, my pen and paper goad me. Show them how wrong their preconceptions are. Be relatable. Write something upbeat for a change. Crack a smile. Tell them how you also cry at the end of Toy Story 3, and you’re just as capable of bantering about the weather in the post-office queue. Like everyone you have no idea how to make the perfect amount of pasta still…

Tell them comedies as well as tragedies, how full of life we are, full of love. But no, I put my pen down, I will not let that poem force me to write it because it is not the poem I want to write…This will not be a ‘Muslims are like us’ poem. I refuse to be respectable. Instead love us when we’re lazy, love us when we’re poor…love us when we aren’t athletes, when we don’t bake cakes, when we don’t offer our homes or free taxi rides after the event when we’re wretched, suicidal, naked and contributing nothing. Love us then. Because if you need me to prove my humanity, I’m not the one that’s not human…

My mother texts me too after BBC news alerts. Are you safe? Let me know you’re home okay. And she means safe from the incident, yes, but also from the after-effects…

I wonder when you buy bombs is there a clear difference between the deadly ones that kill and the heroic ones which scatter democracy?…

That rather breathtaking line ‘if you need me to prove my humanity, I’m not the one that’s not human’ for some reason reminded me of the following quote from a Disney song:

You think I’m an ignorant savage, and you’ve been so many places, I guess it must be so. But still I cannot see, if the savage one is me, how can there be so much that you don’t know you don’t know? – lyrics from the song Colours Of The Wind, from the Disney movie Pocahontas (1995)


Sakila And Hawa – Why Are Muslims So…?

Just because a Muslim threatened you, you give us all the cold shoulder, knocking us out like we’re the pins and you’re the bowler…

May peace be upon you who let the hijabi girl sit alone during lunchtime. All she got was stairs like she’s a suspect of some crime. She was innocent but they would always whine that the hijab on her head was an ISIS sign. She was the butt of every joke, at the end of every punchline, yet you didn’t talk to her once. Couldn’t save her, not one time…

You say you are fighting terrorists from behind your computer screen, but can’t see that you’re the one terrorising me…No graffiti artist is gonna tell me to go home. No Call of Duty player is gonna threaten me. No overprotective bigot of a mother is gonna ruin my day. No ignorant bystander is gonna leave me feeling left out. No tumblr post is gonna scare me away. And no biased Border Patrol is gonna stop me from seeing my family…


Rudy Francisco, Natasha Hooper, And Amen Ra – Islamophobia

When Dylan Roof killed 9 innocent black people, we did not question his God. He wore flags of apartheid Africa. We did not question his allegiance. He committed the crime alone. We did not question his people. When Adam Lanza shot a classroom full of first graders at Sandy Hook Elementary, we did not ask him to leave the country. When Timothy McVeigh killed 168 people in Oklahoma, we did not call this a crime against every American. When the KKK killed thousands of black people, while swearing to uphold Christian morality, we did not ask them to remove their robes, we did not call all Christians bigots. Do you see it? How we don’t label all white men based on the sins of a few. Do you see it? How we don’t have to condemn a whole class of people based on the actions of some. Do you see it?…

We should not condemn all Muslims for the radicalism of a group…Do your research. Islam is not synonymous with terror. It is literally submission. It is devotion. It is peace. Terrorism is actually forbidden and Jihad does not mean “holy war.” It means struggle. It means survival. It means standing face-to-face with everything that wants to put you in the ground, and choosing to be alive. Do your research and stop listening to CNN! Stop trading humanity for hypocrisy! Stop staring at Muslims at the airport! Stop letting your fear drag you into ignorance! Stop supporting billionaire Republicans who want to scare you into murdering the innocent, and start supporting leaders who speak peace in their native tongue! Instead of burning down the mosque, burn down the walls around the pulsating muscle in your chest and realize that we all have one. And lastly as the customary greeting goes, As’Salaamu ‘Alaikum: “Peace be upon you.” Wa ‘Alaikum As’Salaam: “And upon you be peace.” Do you see it?


Riz Ahmed – The Roots Of Terrorism…

This last video is something I recently blogged about, but it is so good I feel like sharing it again…

In these sour times
Please allow me to vouch for mine
Bitter taste in my mouth, spit it out with a rhyme
Hey yo I’m losing my religion to tomorrow’s headlines
Guantanamo – sorry bro?
Nah, nothing, it’s fine

And in this post 7/7
Why they calling it that?
They’re trying to link it to New York
Like we’re all under attack from the same big bad guy
But it’s taking the mick
Because the truth is Al Qaeda hardly even exists
There ain’t no super villain planning these attacks from some base
The truth is so much scarier and harder to face
See, there’s thousands of angry young men that are lost
Sidelined in the economy, a marginal cost
They think there’s no point in putting ballots up in the box
They got no place in this system, and no faith in its cogs
They’re easy targets, that be getting brainwashed by these knobs
Who say that spilling innocent blood is pleasing a God
Well, it sounds good when you don’t see no justice or jobs
The gas bills are piling up, but all the oil’s getting robbed
So David’s taking out Goliath, and his wife and his dog
Segregated, castrated, now we see who’s on top!
So see, it ain’t religious faith that’s causing these crimes
It’s losing faith in democratic free market designs
It’s no coincidence that bombers came from ghettos up north
And the way that Bush and Blair talked gave a lost boy a cause
Then double standards get ’em angered, both at home and abroad
There’s a monopoly on pens that’s why they forge their own swords
They’re misguided, turned violent, strapped themselves up with bombs
But they’re still cowards, ’cause they ain’t here when the backlash is on

So in these sour times
Please allow me to vouch for mine
Bitter taste in my mouth, spit it out with a rhyme
Hey yo I’m losing my religion to tomorrow’s headlines
Abu Ghraib – sorry mate?
Nah, nothing, it’s fine

So all the mans that wanna say that my religion has to change
That we’re stuck in a bygone age
It’s time to set the vinyl straight
Don’t you think it’s kind of strange that all this terror outrage
These last gasp castaways
These bastards that will blast away
Turned up in the last decade?
When Islam has been the way for millions
From back in the day?
Instead of thinking that we’re crazed
Investigate just what it says
Fast, help the poor, and pray
Go Mecca, be steadfast in faith
That’s the basics, that’s the base
So how did we get here today?
Well, interpretations always change
Today, they’re read with rage
Been jihad-ened up
Desperation’s kinda fucked
Makes you use a book of peace as weapons in Iraq
So listen, terrorism isn’t caused by religion or an old school vision of Islam
It’s against the Qur’an, it’s a new innovation caused by mash-up situations
That’s what makes them turn to arms
The problem is modern and it’s all local factors
Dictatorships, injustices and wars cause fatwa’s

So in these sour times
Please allow me to vouch for mine
Bitter taste in my mouth, spit it out with a rhyme
Hey yo I’m losing my religion to tomorrow’s headlines
But it’s fine

15 FUNNY-ISH QUOTES ABOUT TRUMP

Donald Trump

I wasn’t going to do another blog post for a good few days, however Trump did a speech yesterday and I just feel it in my bones to get this one out, so here goes. Wish me luck…

When Trump recently went to Saudi Arabia he unsurprisingly dropped the term “radical Islamic terrorism”. For a brief moment I thought maybe this was the softening towards Islam that I hoped Trump would eventually have. How wrong was I.

A few months later he holds no iftar dinner at the White House (thus breaking a 19 year old tradition), he implements a partial version of his Muslim travel ban, and he brings back my favourite phrase. With a vengeance.

I was worried that the phrase “radical Islamic terrorism” was now confined to the Trump bin of history but, much to my pleasure, it has made a comeback. On Saturday 1st July 2017, Trump made a speech at the Celebrate Freedom Concert which took place at the John F Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts in Washington. During another awesome speech he made the following remarks:

In every positive thing his mouth said about Americans, I felt his beady little eyes seemed to say “…except Muslims”. Anyways, in honour of the return of Muslim-hating Trump (welcome back sir!) please find below 15 funny-ish quotes about the leader of the free white world. And yes, that first quote does contain a veiled reference to 9/11. Enjoy!

PS For more funny-ish Trump quotes please see here.


I get why Trump hates Muslims. If I owned a very tall tower I’d be pretty nervous too. – Reem Edan

Trumps stupid travel ban went into effect. As of last night people from the Sudan, Syria, Libya, Somalia, Yemen, and Iran can forget about that dream vacation to Dollywood. And yet Saudi Arabians on the other hand are free to board any plan and fly into a building of their choice. But Trump says he will not have foreign nationals coming here and killing innocent Americans. That’s what the health care plan is for. – Bill Maher, 30 Jun 2017

Our capacity to be shocked has already been so worn down by the Trump presidency. He’s like your druggy cousin who can no longer surprise you. – Seth Meyers

It’s like there is a horse loose in a hospital. I think everything is going to be okay but I have no idea what is going to happen next, and nobody else does either. We’ve all never not known together. It’s not good. And it’s confusing because everyday we just have to follow the horse and some days it’s like “The horse used the elevator.” And there are days when you say “Wait, is the horse smart?” And we’re all like why hasn’t the horse catcher caught the horse? And the horse is like “I have fired the horse catcher.” That shouldn’t be a thing. – John Mulaney

Trump has taught America a valuable lesson: you can never be too rich to be white trash. – Bill Maher

We can’t just wait for moral leadership from a guy who thinks shooting people on 5th Avenue is an applause line. – Samantha Bee

Trump does not make his voters feel stupid, he makes them feel smart, like Joey on Friends. – Bill Maher

65 percent of Republicans don’t even believe that Russian hacking took place. Remember Linda Blair in The Exorcist? I honestly think that if Donald Trump came out and his head spun around 360 degrees and exploded with green projectile vomit, 65 percent of Republicans would say it was brilliant performance art. And this is the challenge that we’re up against. – Charlie Sykes

Let’s be honest, Trump’s presidency is basically doing the exact opposite things Obama did. It’s a series of control-z’s punctuated by golf weekends. That’s all it is. Every single thing is anti-Obama. In fact, he is so anti-Obama he is probably resubscribing to every spam list Obama unsubscribed from. He’s just sitting there, like “Yes I would like more information about Group On, thank you.” – Trevor Noah

Trump promised to bring back mining jobs, yet Trump barely gets what mining is. He may well think it is just running up to things he wants and yelling “MINE!” That’s possible. – John Oliver

It’s worth asking why do Trump and his fans care so much about some jobs and not at all about others. We know that coal mining is 95% male and 95% white but I’m sure that’s not it! No, maybe it’s Trump’s view of the economy. Being like a five-year-old child he only likes coal miners and truck drivers and construction workers, you know, the kind of jobs you see on Sesame Street. – Bill Maher

It is undeniably terrifying that at this moment of such intense gravity for the planet this figure of such extreme stupidity has risen to power. – Naomi Klein

That sense that Trump has that everybody out there is so stupid is a sign of how stupid he is. – Rebecca Traister

I feel like I am binge watching The Fall Of The Roman Empire, set to the music of Benny Hill. – Bill Maher

I have become very over dramatic since the election. Everything to me is now loaded with symbolism. Like whenever it rains now I’m just like “Huh! Metaphor!” I ordered a sandwich on the inauguration, it was supposed to come on wheat bread but it came on white bread and I was like “Hello! It’s already happening. This is how it starts, with the bread.” – Aparna Nancherla