White Suits

Step right up. Welcome one and all to the carnival of horrors that is 2020. Unfortunately, we are all tall enough to enjoy this ride, a ride that takes us hurtling over a global political landscape that is a wasteland of increasing nationalism. Just how much of a wasteland it is was made clear by Captain America himself, the actor Chris Evans, who in a recent interview said “It’s become such a toxic landscape. It breeds this exhaustion. People just can’t be bothered. These are intelligent people that I’m speaking about, people who understand it’s their civic duty but it still feels so daunting. Life as it is is overwhelming enough, so to dive into a pool where everyone is just so horrible to one another, there’s no interest.”

Welcome also to a world where the most powerful man on the planet is literally a white supremacist troll who kow-tows to his old, white tribal base by scaring the bejesus out of them at every possible turn. America’s dump-brained president mispronounced the name of Thailand during a speech a few weeks ago. And yes, he did indeed call it Thighland. And no, I don’t think it’s all that funny because this man’s existence is simply too depressing and infuriating to really find anything in his orbit all that funny.

And so we continue to circle the drain we call politics in the Trump-Boris era. Matters are so infuriating that the previous first lady Michelle Obama recently said all of his shenanigans are causing her to suffer from depression. In a recent podcast she lamented “I know that I am dealing with some form of low-grade depression, not just because of the quarantine, but because of the racial strife, and just seeing this administration, watching the hypocrisy of it, day in and day out, is dispiriting.”

Her depression is probably going to get worse when she realises that Trump, in a recent interview with Fox News, continued to propagate his long-held belief that the coronavirus pandemic is overhyped. When asked about nearly 1,000 daily deaths in the States, his response was simply to say “It is what it is.” How you feeling now, Michelle?

2020 is also a year that has so far seen, among other terrifying things: the benign impeachment of the president; the mishandling of a public health emergency by many governments; the resultant loss of more than 160,000 Americans and 45,000 Brits due to this global pandemic (which continues to rage virtually unchecked throughout the world due to our own selfishness, stupidity, and incompetence); the worst economic crisis since records began; the gruesome on-camera killing of George Floyd by Minneapolis police, which then sparked the most widespread protest movement for racial justice since the 1960s; followed by the inevitable brutal crackdowns by police on people protesting against police brutality. Role on 2021!

In the controversial 2019 movie Joker, Arthur Fleck (aka the Joker, played superbly by the Academy award winning Joaquin Phoenix), asked the poignant question “Is it just me, or is it getting crazier out there?” No Arthur, it ain’t just you, for it is indeed getting crazier out there. And people are coping with this in their own way. For example, in early July Donni Saphire tweeted that he is “watching a movie about nuclear war to relax.” He later tweeted “Just put me under general anaesthesia until 2021.” Whatever works, I guess.

Sure, everything is on fire and the line between parody and reality is so blurred that this somehow is such a dumb time to be alive. But no matter how bad things get, it is never too bad to read funny quotes, such as these hand-picked gemstones. As best as one can given, you know, all that is going on, enjoy…

Moving Targets

“Cancel culture has people afraid to voice their opinion.” Are you kidding!? You people never shut the fuck up. Ever. Not once have you held back on your dumb ass nonsense. – Grimbo, Jul 2020

“Is my cholesterol too high, Doctor?”, he asked with a heavy heart. – Gary Delaney

“Who wants to be a millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires. – Judah Friedlander

A magician asked me a trick question. I still have no idea how he did it. – Aaron Naylor

A version of you in a parallel universe didn’t make it to today, so make the most of still existing for their memory. – Desus Nice, Jun 2020

Anyone as rich as Jeff Bezos should be legally required to be Batman. – Kate Sidley, Jul 2020

Aside from the fascism, pandemic, and having no sense of when I’ll see my family again, I can’t figure out what’s making me so anxious. – Jesse McLaren, Jul 2020

Billionaire: Anyone can get rich if they work hard. / Me: How did you get rich? / Billionaire: Underpaying people who work hard. – @heybuddy_comic, Jul 2020

Did you know that if you stare at the sun long enough it’ll disappear? – Aaron Naylor

Everyone’s a socialist till I ask if their dad can pay my rent too. – Devon Walker

Heterosexual women say the most common type of role play they get involved in is telling their partner they love him. – Frankie Boyle

I don’t respect myself enough to take a Twitter break. – Sophia Benoit, Jun 2020

I love when FaceTime disconnects & we both decide not to call back. – Keeshia Renee, Jul 2020

I think the only reason jugglers exist is because those were the kids that nobody played catch with. – Aaron Naylor

I transition my summer dresses into winter by simply being depressed in them. – Olga Koch

I was once a gifted child and now I spend 14 hours a day refreshing Twitter in split screen with YouTube videos I’ve already seen. – Dana Schwartz, Jun 2020

I’m 35. I’m at the age where all my friends are getting divorced. – Mark Normand

I’m an introvert. It’s not fun being an introvert. No one gets us. I was in an Uber once and the driver said “So, you’re an introvert. Tell me about that.” And I said “Well, that’s not really how it works.” – Mark Normand

I moved in with a lady recently. I got an Alexa. I love this thing. I just read an article, though. It said Alexa actually listens to everything you say, stores it in a database, and could use it against you later. I was like “Man, just like a real woman.” – Mark Normand

I’ve mixed more metaphors than you’ve had hot cakes. – Olaf Falafel

If I was a millionaire, I’d eat *normal* shortbread from time to time, just to keep me in touch with my roots. – T’Other Simon

If you don’t need masks because you won’t live in fear and God will protect you, then why do you need guns? – Dani Fernandez, Jul 2020

Imagine how peaceful it would be if all the people claiming they were silenced actually had been. – @Okeating, Jul 2020

In 2020 the outdoors is lava…To ensure safety, never go anywhere or do anything. – Donni Saphire, Aug 2020

Instagram, please make a policy where two people in a relationship can’t post the same exact photo. – Whitney Cummings, Jul 2020

March: I’ll use lockdown to make things and be productive. August: I have made one thing, and it is a fool of myself. – @roobeekeane, Aug 2020

My biggest career goal is to get off Twitter. – @ziwe, Jul 2020

My mother was using vinegar to clean so many surfaces during the coronavirus pandemic that she has, in effect, pickled her house. – Frankie Boyle

Personally, I was all for Margaret Thatcher having a lavish publicly funded cremation. But then she died. – Frankie Boyle

Please don’t make the first ten minutes of me listening to your podcast about how to listen to your podcast. – Whitney Cummings, Jul 2020

Probably my favourite part of taking a nap is going on my phone for an hour instead of falling asleep. – Kristen Arnett, Jun 2020

So what do we use as a phrase instead of ‘Avoiding it like the plague’ now that we know that a lot of people don’t, in fact, avoid plagues? – Sophie Spengler, Aug 2020

Someone said Willy Wonka is just Saw for children and I’ve never heard something so controversial yet so brave. – Rad Dad, Jun 2020

When I die, I want to die peacefully like my grandpa did, in his sleep, and not screaming and cursing like all the passengers in his car. – Juan, Alacante, Spain

While we can’t go outside or do anything at least we’ve got the internet to fill our days and nights, a completely healthy alternative to taking part in activities with real life friends. – @scharpling, Jul 2020

You’re not a real fan of the news if you haven’t been watching it from the beginning. – Flo & Joan

You’re totally allowed to think something and not tweet it. – Whitney Cummings, Jul 2020

As an added bonus here are two short videos that I still genuinely cannot get my mind around. The first is a very clever piece of editing that shows Trump interviewing himself. This is one of the funniest things I have seen online in many a year. Here are some YouTube comments from this video: “I can’t decide if you’ve made him more or less coherent…Somehow he is still losing the argument with himself…Man, his twin is even more delusional than himself…I don’t know why this feels like it makes more sense than the actual interview…It’s hilarious and terrifying at the same time.” However, the most prescient comment I felt was “He is basically talking to himself all the time anyway, because that’s the only person he listens to.”

The second video shows Jordan Klepper from The Daily Show interviewing Trump supporters at a Trump rally. Prepare to have your gob well and truly smacked, for some of these people are frightening on many levels.