MUSLIMS DON’T EAT TOYS. FACT.

Nana

Why is all of society basically dumb and bad and deserving of our contempt? Maybe it’s because we all now live in a political and media Bizarro World, a world where scepticism is the default, news is indistinguishable from entertainment, and entertainers have usurped public authority from the country’s political leaders (a footballer causes the British government to do an embarrassing political U-turn – need I say more). As such, the world has been reduced to something worth completely ignoring. This is a hard time, friends, a hard time indeed. But then again, what do I know? According to the wife, nothing, nothing at all. Less than useless, so I am repeatedly informed.

So how do we fight against this tide of moral regress? I have no idea. Maybe we could all take a pause every now and then and have a damn good chuckle at the craziness of it all. Maybe we could let some funny tweets and quotes take our anxiety-filled minds off the news for just a few minutes. Well, except for the tweets that are specifically about how hard this time is now, and how terribly everybody in power is acting. It’ll probably be hard to forget about the world when you’re reading those. Sorry about that. Aside from that, some of these tweets and quotes are surreal and stupid, but I guess them’s just the times we live in, baby. As best as one can, please enjoy!

PS I’ve also added in a few cartoons from the always on-point Mr Fish, as well as links to videos featuring two up and coming Muslim comedians, begging for stardom-scraps at homogenised reality TV talent shows. As previously stated, enjoy…

Tina

Black people are getting sick. I blame institutionalized racism and elaborate handshakes. – Mark Normand, Jun 2020, referring to COVID-19

CUSTOMER: Why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you? SHOP ASSISTANT: That’s the supervisor. – Glenny Rodge, Jun 2020

Do we have any feminists here tonight, by applause? Wow! A lot of single ladies. It’s so hard if you’re on a date to be like “Whoo! The future is female! Are you still gonna pay for everything? Is that deal still on the table? I’m more of a feminist in the mornings when nobody’s trying to buy me anything.” Hey ladies, maybe we should start paying for our own dinner and drinks, really let guys know we’re serious about this equality thing. Really…I’m just kidding around! Why would we do that? No. I think it’s the responsibility of a man you just met online to feed you. He’s got the option to kill you later, so I feel like that’s fair. You put in all the risk. At least get a nice meal out of it. – Bonnie McFarlane

Don’t fight with Gen Z, you can’t win. Once when I was teaching an SAT prep class, I told everyone to “quiet down” and one girl just said “Haha, ok sweater!” (because I was wearing a sweater.) Every single one laughed at me. – Paul McCallion, Jun 2020

Due to this pandemic we’ve all been sitting at home watching Netflix for 6 months. People ask me “What are you watching?” and I’m like “I’m watching my life pass me by.” – Mark Normand, Jun 2020

I am a feminist and a vegan, so you know my sense of humour is top-shelf…I love being a vegan. I consume no animals or animal by-products of any kind. I do eat eggs though, because I’m also pro-choice. – Bonnie McFarlane

I don’t understand how COVID-19 is worse than ever after we’ve tried everything, from pretending it’s over to pretending it never happened. – Zack Bornstein, Jun 2020

I used to get teased quite a lot at school because I bore a slight resemblance to a bowl of custard, but luckily I had quite a thick skin. – Olaf Falafel

I’m officially leaving Twitter. I spend way too much time on here. Take care everyone. I’ll be back in 5 minutes. – @Iovejutsu

Imagine how excited barn owls were when humans invented barns. – Nate Swick

It’s a crazy country we live in. Eventually all this will be over. That’s something to look forward to. The pandemic will end, the police brutality will end, and then we’ll be right back to school shootings. What a nation! – Mark Normand, Jun 2020

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is. And it’s about time. – @NickMotown

John Bolton saving his story about Trump approving of concentration camps is like an aging sitcom actress writing a tell-all about what REALLY happened on the set of Designing Women. Thanks for the info and fuck off. – Billy Eichner, Jun 2020

Looting target is un-American. The real American thing to do is loot Iraq, Iran, Kuwait, Pakistan, Yemen, Somalia, Syria, Afghanistan, Sudan, Vietnam, Mexico, Cuba, Panama, Haiti, Nicaragua, Jamaica, North Korea, Guatemala, the Philippines, the Dominican Republic, Guyana, Chile, Cambodia, Angola, El Salvador. – Jaboukie Young-White, May 2020

NEWS: Growing concerns about COVID-19 spikes because of protests. ALSO NEWS: The gym is open! Go on! They miss you! Hit up Vegas on your way! – Janelle James, Jun 2020

Nobody is walking up to a statue to learn history. Now, a pedestal with a statue missing? Something happened here. Time to learn what fucked up shit this guy did that got his metal ass removed. – @SwiftOnSecurity, Jun 2020

OMG LOL, my 4-year-old just put down her Legos and said “99% of Trump voters are worse off in every way now, but still support him, taking solace in the hollow victory of communal racism as they are willingly robbed blind and stripped of their constitutional rights.” – Zack Bornstein, May 2020

People are getting angry about this pandemic. Everybody’s pent up, everybody’s worked up. Some people are mad at Asian people. Asian people love the riots, they’re like “Woo! Heat’s off us for a minute.” I saw a bunch of people online saying racist shit to Asian people. Look, if you’re gonna type a bunch of racist shit to Asian people, don’t do it from an iPhone. Have some respect for the kid who made it. – Mark Normand, Jun 2020

So, I’m married. This is the sadder part of the show…At one point I got so mad at my husband that I gave him the silent treatment for a week. At the end of it he was like “We’ve been getting along pretty good lately.” – Bonnie McFarlane

Someone bought me a pair of skinny jeans for my birthday. A guy came up to me in the street and said “Take those jeans off! You look gay.” I said “I’ll tell you what’s gay mate, you asking me to take my jeans off.” And then he kicked the shit out of me. A couple of you got a bit tense there. You thought “Oh no, a Cockney guy talking about gays. He’s going to be offensive.” You can all relax, because I’m now going to do a bit about Muslims. No, I really am, so here we go. I try not to read newspapers. I’m sure we’re all smart enough to know newspapers are not about news anymore, they’re full of shit. It’s about keeping us divided. There was this headline from the worst newspaper of them all, the Sun. The headline was “This little piggy gets removed for religious reasons.” What happened was a toy shop removed the toy pig from a farm set so they didn’t offend Muslims. Now, I don’t know if anyone here knows this but Muslims don’t eat toys. That’s a fact. That is a fact. Nobody eats toys. – Wilson Milton

The day begins when I bring my charger from the bedroom into the couch area. – Natalie Walker

The sum of the shredded cabbage multiplied by the total amount of carrot is equal to the square root of the mayonnaise. That’s Cole’s Law. – @trouteyes

They interviewed R Kelly about this virus. He was like “COVID-19? Nope, too old for me.” – Mark Normand, Jun 2020

Trump only has two modes, menacing sociopath or limp French fry that’s been sitting in the bottom of the bag soaking up all the oil…I know our brains have all melted from the constant flagrant lawlessness and overall weirdness of this administration, and nothing feels real anymore, and we’re all just programmed to move on to the next thing because Trump will inevitably do something bizarre the next day, like throw a tantrum in the Rose Garden or rub up against the flag like a horny 16-year-old at prom. – Seth Meyers, Jun 2020

Very American to decide we are bored with COVID-19 and therefore it is over. – Jeff Kasanoff, May 2020

We’re fat here in America. We did it! [Waves her arm and chants] USA! USA! Oh no, my arm is tired. That was too much exercise. You know when someone breaks up with you, and they gain weight, and that makes you really happy? I bet that’s how England feels about us. “Hey America, you look different. How’s math and science?” [Winks] – Michelle Wolf

Monster

For more laughs please check out these videos featuring comedians Usama Siddiquee and Nabil Abdul Rashid…

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