Volume III Fire

So then. The third decade of the twenty first century has begun with fires raging all over the world, both real and metaphorical. At the very start of the year Australia was actually on fire, with many asking how long will it be before humans can no longer live there. Trump, ever the showman, wanted to go one better, so he tried to set the whole world on fire by starting World War III. He ordered the assassination of General Qassem Soleimani, one of the most powerful men in Iran, in an internationally condemned airstrike. Luckily the fallout (political and otherwise) has so far been minimal.

Back home Trump survived being fired from the White House, after being only the third president to be impeached. He was unsurprisingly acquitted by a Republican led Senate, who complained they had to sit for hours, hard to do when you have no spine to support you. I guess you could say what better way for many Americans to start Black History Month than to be failed by their own justice system once again.

Britain finally Brexited, to the sound of pre-recorded bongs. Not to be outdone, the British Royal family experienced their own version in the form of Meghxit.

In other news, the rapidly spreading Coronavirus began its world tour, having now reached the shores of Britain. Am I the only one who finds it deeply ironic that the Chinese authorities, having detained over a million Uyghur Muslims in concentration camps for months on end, are now having to quarantine millions of their own citizens?

We don’t know what else 2020 will bring and right now it’s looking pretty bleak. I will not be surprised if, come November, I am sat at home under strict quarantine orders due to us all being Corona’d, watching Trump win a resounding second term. Before then, let us all take our minds off such unpleasantries and enjoy a selection of quotes from the one and only Frankie Boyle, one of my favourite comedians of all time. If you are not familiar with the ingenious workings of Boyle, here is a quick sampler. In his recent BBC TV series Frankie Boyle’s Tour Of Scotland, he described the current American president thusly:

Trump looks like God twisted some haemorrhoids into a balloon animal. – Frankie Boyle

If you liked than then you will love the quotes below, which are taken from his 2018 stand-up show Prometheus Volume III, which the Telegraph reviewed as “a very tight hour of expertly written, laconically delivered, often completely unprintable jokes.” The same review described Boyle as “a scorpion on a moral crusade…a defiantly feral voice.”

I have presented quotes from the equally hilarious Prometheus Volume I before, which you can check out here. Please be warned, some of the language you may find a little offensive (it is Frankie Boyle after all). Anyways, enjoy for a short while before returning back to the depressing comprehension of the reality that surrounds us all.

Volume III

It’s been quite an eventful year. At one point this year I even talked a guy down off a window ledge…simply by shouting “Jump.”

Swearing is different in Scotland. In Glasgow the word “Fucking” is just a warning that a noun is on its way.

I had quite a rough childhood. I thought I needed alcohol to complete me. That’s what an addict thinks, they think the substance they’re addicted to completes them in some way.

Trump angered the people of Haiti. That’s dangerous for Trump because you can make a voodoo doll of him just by rolling a doughnut around in a Labradors basket.

Trump has so much compacted meat in his colon that when he takes a shit it is technically an abortion.

Britain supports the Syrian rebels, a great bunch of lads. Apart from that time they cut out a guy’s heart and ate it on camera, although to be fair they had beheaded him first, so technically it was halal. I just try and have one joke for the Muslims every show. Welcome aboard lads.

British foreign policy is a moral sewer. The stuff we do. We obfuscate it with language, we talk about ‘precision bombings’ and ‘surgical strikes’. You can’t be precise with something that you’re dropping from 40,000 feet. There’s a reason you don’t get keyhole surgery from a guy who’s fucking bungee jumping.

We practice hypocrisy. We sell the weapons to Saudi Arabia that they use to bomb Yemen, to create a famine in Yemen. We’re also the number two provider of aid to Yemen. And why not? Life gives you Yemen, you give Yemen aid.

We gloss over the crimes of our official allies. Benjamin Netanyahu with his wee fucking comb over. I always think his hair is a kind of living metaphor, occupying territory where it doesn’t really belong.

The Israelis this year shot dead over a hundred Palestinians at a protest, although to be fair, there were injuries on both sides. One of the Israeli snipers got an erection for so long that his foot went to sleep.

It must be mad training in the Israeli army. You know when you do the wee assault course where the cardboard cut outs pop up? You get your results back. “Got your results here lads. It’s bad news I’m afraid. You shot 50 civilians, that’s 10 less than your target. But the cut out of the woman holding the baby, you killed them both with one bullet. So double points!”

The British media is largely pro-Israeli. Even The Guardian. What is the Guardian doing backing colonial violence? To me the Guardian is like one of those vegetarians who drinks three pints and then eats a chicken burger.

There is stuff the British media just doesn’t care about, like refugees drowning. I think that’s because refugees are largely biodegradable. If they want to make the broadsheets they’re going to have to drown clutching a fucking Sprite bottle.

The Queen has a charity where Britain plants trees in Africa, which for Africa must be like receiving flowers from your rapist.

You’ve got to hand it to the Royal family in a way. They spend their whole life shagging and skiing, then they turn up on a balcony once every 10 years and go “Thanks for the money, you fucking idiots!” They must know that if Netflix goes down for a week they’re probably going to get executed.

I know it’s very popular at the minute to say that everybody who voted for Brexit is stupid. I really don’t think that they are all stupid. I just think there are people who voted to put an end to emigration from Europe because they don’t like Pakistanis.

Seriously though, if you’re my age then get yourself checked out because cancer doesn’t discriminate, making it morally superior to Katie Hopkins. Katie Hopkins! Imagine getting thrown out of South Africa for being too racist.

Boris Johnson is a cross between a head injury and an unmade bed, a malevolent Baked Alaska. Do you know how you can tell which mobile phone is Boris Johnson’s? It’s the one that has written on it “Not a biscuit.”

David Davis is a guy who seems to suffer from the same lack of imagination as his parents. It’s like they hadn’t anticipated anything! It’s like they hadn’t looked into the future at all. They’re the sort of people who’d let their child join a church choir without checking the prayer books for teeth marks. One joke for the Muslims, one for the Catholics, every show.

When we grew up in Glasgow there was a lot of anti-Irish racism about, which had two parts to it. One part was that Irish people are stealing Scottish people’s work, and the other part was that Irish people are really stupid. Which is an incredible self own, if you stop to think about it for a minute. “If they import anymore idiots I’m gonna be out of a fucking job here.”

I don’t like culture that’s aimed at everybody. “Oh it’s great! Granny can watch it with the grandkids. Every fucker can watch it.” I think the job of culture is to make old people relieved that they’re dying. “Hang on in for another day dad.” “It’s okay son. I watched Fast And The Furious 8 last night. Get the fucking pillow.”

Technology can be dangerous. Only last year my Facebook account got taken over by a malicious sex predator…when I suddenly remembered my password.

Twitter is the one I get all the hatred on. It’s always men aged between 50 and 60. They can be left wing, they can be right wing. 90% of them say the same thing, “When did you stop being funny?” And the answer is almost always “When your fucking wife left you.”

I don’t get some technology, like selfie sticks. Who are you sharing that photo with if you don’t even have a friend to hold the fucking camera?

I thought #MeToo was a really good thing, I thought it was a positive thing. Some of those people should have gone to jail. Kevin Spacey turned out to be such a sex predator that at this point in history he’s not fit to play the US president.

Harvey Weinstein went to live on a ranch. Remember this? His rehab ranch. The last thing this world needs is Harvey Weinstein learning how to use a lasso.

I genuinely think misogyny is an ideology, it’s a thing that people cling on to because they can’t accept reality. I’ve got friends who say “My ex, she was crazy. The one before that, she was fucking mental as well.” All you’re saying there is “The defining characteristic of women who find me attractive is insanity.” You don’t meet women who talk about their crazy exes…because women with crazy exes are dead. That joke would get a bigger laugh but a lot of the people who would have found it funniest…

I’m gonna tell you honestly what I think about feminism, and I know that Scottish people think there’s a time and a place for honesty, and it’s when one of us is drunk and the other one is on their deathbed. I genuinely think if you’re a young guy at the moment, feminism is the only thing that has a plan for you. Capitalism doesn’t give a fuck about you. Materialism doesn’t really care if you live or die. Feminism includes you. When I see guys, particularly young guys, attacking feminism, do you know what it looks like to me? It looks like when the fire brigade go to a really rough housing estate and they get stoned. That’s what you’re doing, your stoning the fucking rescue services.

I think there’s a difference between taste and morality, and people have started to get those things confused. Is the thing that you’re offended by immoral or is it just something that you don’t like, that isn’t to your taste? Because those are two different things.

There’s nothing wrong with necrophilia. It’s a victimless crime.

I decided to get a dog. I think getting a dog says something about you. It says “I’m so lonely that I could pick up shit.” I don’t mean people are getting a dog because they’re lonely. It’s when they get a second dog, because the Spaniel has seen through them. “Let’s hope this Labrador’s a bit less judgmental.” People are going like that to me at the moment “Why don’t you get a rescue dog?” Yeah!? Why don’t you marry someone who’s been in fucking prison!? BECAUSE IT’S FUCKED IN THE HEAD! I think ironically that’s probably the joke I’ll get the most shit for on this album. That’ll really fucking bring them out of the wood work.

I think the spirit of our age is quite dangerous. It’s quite a dangerous zeitgeist. It’s a bit like the end of the 19th century. You’ve got a lot of concentration of wealth, you’ve got technological innovation, and you’ve got people becoming famous just for how rich they are. And where all those things intersect, that’s where people like Jeff Bezos and Richard Branson and Elon Musk, start trying to blast themselves into space, as part of their life long story arc, to find a planet where everyone doesn’t think that they’re all cunts. What has Branson done that he needs to get off the earth? Even Gary Glitter only had to leave Britain.

This is why we have a Tory government as well. That’s what they’re about, facilitating the concentration of wealth. And I think people vote for the Tories because they know that Tories are more ruthless. We sort of know deep down that if we were all trapped on a desert island, Theresa May would have us eating the wounded by nightfall, while Jeremy Corbyn would be organising a seminar about whether or not coconuts have feelings.

I like Jeremy Corbyn but he doesn’t do that well in Scotland, because Scottish people don’t trust anyone who looks old but still has teeth.