TRUMP HAS MORE PERSONAL ISSUES THAN BATMAN

Trump Time Cover.jpg

There is so much in the world to get angry and upset about. Don’t worry, I will resist my usual temptation to come up with a comprehensive list that just depresses both writer and reader. With so much going on it can be hard to know what makes it to the top of your righteous indignation list, at which point up steps Trump and says “Hold my beer.”

El Presidente has done many horrible things since coming to power, but separating kids from their parents, in many cases for months on end, is arguably the worst. It was horrible to see pictures of kids crying as they were being taken away from their mums and dads. So, in a perhaps pathetic attempt to try and serve some sort of karmic justice, please find below 17 recently collated humorous quotes about Trump. Some of the comedians featured below have come up with rather cutting insights into Trump and what makes him tick. Enjoy!

Trump Care

Democracy in the US is so corrupted by money that it is no longer recognisable as democracy…The problem is not, as Trump claims, that the election will be stolen by ballot rigging. It is that the entire electoral process is stolen from the American people before they get anywhere near casting their votes. When Trump claims that the little guy is being screwed by the system, he’s right. The only problem is that he is the system. – George Monbiot

Do you think in his experience he’s ever been with a woman where he has seen a sincere look on their face of desire for him? That status will feel very, very empty after a while. And every testimony—like Stormy Daniels’s—they’re all like, “Trust me. I was not into this guy.” They always make it very clear that they’re not attracted to this guy. After a while, that has to take a psychological toll where you’re like, “I’m worth billions of dollars, but every woman who’s ever been on record about me has talked about how disgusting and gross it was and how they had to basically muscle through their revulsion to be with me.” That has gotta just grind at him. – Patton Oswalt, Jun 2018

Trump will be the world’s first crowdfunded assassination. Trump, an anthropomorphized kneecap peeking out from under a marmalade croupiers visor, with the diet of a pub bin, more personal issues than Batman, and the muscle tone of a coma patient. I suppose the only thing that has stopped him from being assassinated is the suspicion that he could take several bullets to the head and keep talking. – Frankie Boyle, May 2018

I don’t necessarily think that people that voted for Trump are paying attention to what he’s actually doing with regards to issues. I think that they’re just focusing on the latest outrage cycle. – Natasha Bertrand, Jun 2018

I don’t want to call Trump retarded. Retarded is not a nice word to say anymore. But I will say he seems like the kind of guy that pets cats too hard. – Tamer Kattan

I have always said about the Trump people that there’s two things they hate: being called a racist and black people. – Bill Maher, Jun 2018

I think one of the peculiar and unexpected gifts of Trump is that he has taught a lot of people to understand the preciousness of truth. – David Frum

I’m in a dysfunctional relationship with Trump. The more weed I smoke, the more paranoid he gets. There’s something wrong there. – Bill Maher, May 2018

Satirists are struggling in the time of Trump because the president does their job for them. Normally satire is something where you can take something that is true and then you bend it and twist it and exaggerate it until it becomes absurd – but that’s what Trump does in every sentence that he speaks. He’s a self-basting satirist. He is his own joke. The comedians that seem most effective at skewering Trump’s intention are those that act like journalists, such as John Oliver. – Armando Iannucci

The family of Osama bin Laden is a very prominent family in Saudi Arabia. They built Saudi Arabia. They were the construction company that built it. But Osama went crazy. He went that way and the family went this way. He was mad at Saudi Arabia and he was mad at his family, so he went a little cuckoo. And if you think about the breakdown of Osama bin Laden, he is very similar to Trump. He is the spoiled brat billionaire son of a developer who’s mad at everybody. – Russell Peters

There’s something very sick but pleasurable in seeing Trump scream and yell to his MAGA followers, “We’re boycotting the NFL! These guys that are kneeling…” It’s like, these poor people. You’re taking away their health care and jobs, and then you’re telling them, “And the thing you enjoy every Sunday just to get you through the week, I can’t have you watching that because my feelings are hurt.” It’s a level of “I need you guys to be in misery all the time. I’m only happy if I know that you’re being offered zero relief.” – Patton Oswalt, Jun 2018

To paraphrase the old Marx brothers joke…you look and act like a vulgar clown, but this should not deceive us, you really are a vulgar clown. – Slavoj Zizek, referring to Trump

Trump has got so much compacted meat in his colon that when he takes a shit it’s technically an abortion. – Frankie Boyle

Trump is like a pumpkin having a nervous breakdown. He’s like a corrupt tele-evangelist that Columbo would have as a baddie. – Frankie Boyle

Trump is someone who has not felt pleasure in a very, very long time. He is angry all the time. And so in a weird way that’s the world he wants everyone living in, where he can go to sleep at night at least knowing, “Everyone is as miserable as me, and is feeling just as little pleasure and relief, and is being given no breathing room. At least I can sleep knowing that.” – Patton Oswalt, Jun 2018

Trump thinks the media hates HIM?! One time an Iraqi reporter threw an actual shoe at me. He took it off his foot and lobbed it straight at my noggin. Then he gathered himself, took off the other one and tried it again. But you know what they say: shoe me once, shoes on you, shoe me twice, I’m keeping those shoes. – George W Bush (as played by Will Ferrell), 27 Jan 2018, from a sketch on Saturday Night Live

You can actually make your own Trump policies by going through the incinerator at the Daily Mail and picking through the dust for anything they thought might get them prosecuted. – Frankie Boyle

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s