Another collection of comedy quotes? Really? Why? Glad you asked. Ideally what I would like to do is stimulate people intellectually. I would like every quote in this blog post to hopefully cause you to come away thinking about something new, something you maybe had never thought about, something you may have never even fathomed about. Until now.
That is what good comedy does. A good stand-up comedian will make you laugh, but a brilliant one will also make you think. And in these divisively dark times I feel like we need comedians to provide the much needed “pure golden light of life’s wondrous absurdity” (as the American comedian Desiree Burch profoundly said in a recent interview). So here, for your delectation and delight, for your intellectual pleasures, are 21 hand-picked comedy quotes, most of them around the theme of religion.
Also, in honour of the recently departed Ken Dodd, a true comedy legend, there are a few one-liners from the great man himself. Enjoy!
A Higgs Boson particle walks into a church. The priest says “Get out! We don’t allow your kind here.” The particles replies “But if you don’t have Higgs particles then how do you have mass?” – Anon
Cryptocurrencies like Bitcoin are virtual currencies that combine everything you don’t understand about money with everything you don’t understand about computers. – John Oliver
How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? Nobody knows. It’s never been tried. – Ken Dodd
I do all my exercises every morning in front of the television. Up, down, up, down, up, down. Then the other eyelid. – Ken Dodd
I don’t mind when my jokes die because they go to heaven and get 72 virgin jokes. – Omar Marzouk
I love reading books. I always pick a familiar cafe to read in. I don’t trust new cafes. They fill me with uncertain tea. – Anon
I was surprised how British Muslims reacted to the Danish cartoons. I thought: “How can you get this worked up about a cartoon?” But then I remembered how angry I was when they gave Scooby Doo a cousin. – Paul Sinha
If we’re all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus? – Jimmy Carr
I’m a Jew, by the way. It was my agent’s idea. – Simon Amstell
I’m quite a grumpy woman really. I’m quite tired, that’s the problem. And it’s weird being this tired because I mean I’m proper knackered. I’ve got a lot of make-up on my face to be honest. It’s like a burqa of foundation…on my face. Some days I wear a burqa. I think, “Sod it, I can’t work with this.” There’s loads of women round my way that wear burqas and they’re not all Muslim women, I’m telling you now. Some of them are women having a bad hair day that are like, “Right! Burqa day. I’m doing the school run. Get in the car!” So thank God for make-up. Honestly, I properly cake it on, you know. I’m not as close to you as you think I am, that’s how much make-up I’m wearing right now. – Kerry Godliman
In America every other week there seems to be another anti-Trump demonstration. Yet he is still in power and he is still saying lots of bonkers nonsense. There are however a few moments of triumph. There was one moment that really amused me which was in 2017 when Trump tried to institute an anti-Muslim travel ban. So lots of Americans went on strike, lots of people demonstrated and they were carrying placards with images of a Muslim woman in a hijab which was an American flag. And this was driving the racists crazy. I don’t know why racists love flags. I saw one being interviewed and he said “They’re disrespecting the flag! They’re disrespecting the flag! How dare they put it on that woman’s head!” And I noticed behind him there was a poster of a stripper, and her bikini was an American flag. And so I thought when it’s on someone’s head you’re losing your mind, but when it’s on their genitals then that’s okay! – Daliso Chaponda
Irish people love Muslims. They have taken a lot of heat off us. Before, we were “the terrorists” but now, we’re “the Riverdance people”. – Andrew Maxwell
It is fitting that a story about the president having an affair with a porn star is struggling to hold our attention, because the news now has become like porn: we’re desensitized. These days, news wise, we can only get excited about Asian lesbians like Kim Jong Un. – from an edition of Saturday Night Live, 10 Mar 2018
Let me tell you what blasphemy is. It’s the idea there’s a superior being who can make the mountains, the oceans and the skies, but who still gets upset about something I said. He’s an all-powerful being, He’s just got self-esteem issues. – Reginald D Hunter
My agent died at 90. I always think he was 100 and kept 10% for himself. – Ken Dodd
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in customs. – Patrick Monahan
My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, ‘Is this a joke?’ – Ken Dodd
My favourite religious joke is by Woody Allen: “God is silent. Now if we can only get Man to shut up.” Like all great jokes it right-hands you with laughter while giving you a shooting pain in the solar plexus on behalf of the whole human race. – Ben Miller
Two guys came knocking at my door once and said: “We want to talk to you about Jesus.” I said: “Oh no! What’s he done now?” – Kevin McAleer
What Iran needs now is a more modern leader, a mullah lite. – Shappi Khorsandi
You could be running a wet t-shirt contest in a parking lot in Panama City, and if Trump showed up it would lower the tone. – Bill Maher