Trump Hole Cap

It is one year to the day since he took office and Trump, who is surely now more punchline than presidential, continues to (and I am paraphrasing the great cartoonist Mr Fish here) dismantle civil society, urinate on international law, stockpile weapons of mass destruction, rob the poor to feed the rich, stoke the flames of racial injustice, seize control of every female private part in the country and claim it as government real estate, continue our collective slide towards doomsday due to his moral degeneracy, and lift every regulation designed to protect the environment against total and complete annihilation.

And let us not even get into the continuing Russia investigation, the allegations of an affair with an adult movie star and the subsequent hush money that was paid out, the ongoing craziness of his tweets, and all of the rest (of which there is sooooo much). Trump is doing all this in a desperate attempt to secure his place in history as the most stable of geniuses.

All of these shenanigans provide great inspiration for comedians, who have a myriad of subject matters and news storylines to play with. As I have probably said before more than once, rather than news channels who clearly have their own agenda, it is these stand up comedians who are in many ways the true voices of reason, a point which the Muslim –American comedian Hasan Minhaj recently noted:

Comedians are playing a more significant role in reporting and commenting on current events. The big thing that a lot of comedians are forced to do is, we’re forced to do things like primary reporting. Like CNN and Fox News, that’s where you go to get your sketch comedy on…It’s like bizarro-world, CNN is Comedy Central and comedians are like, ‘Why aren’t you reporting the truth?’ It’s forced all of us to elevate our game. – Hasan Minhaj

I guess what that means is if you are laughing then you are learning, more than you would if you watched the actual news. In that light, please find below some of the best satirical quotes about Trump that I have recently come across. These quotes may not make you laugh out loud, heck they may even make you wince and shudder as you realise this is what the slow dismantling of western democracy looks like, but at the very least I hope they make you nod in agreement. Enjoy!

NB Please be warned that some of the language below maybe a little offensive.

Trump Norwegians

A lot of people, a lot of agencies, in fact entire cities, are choosing to ignore Trump and just get on with their agenda. And that has been Trump’s biggest achievement. Clinton proved you can be a president without morals. Bush Junior proved you can be a president without an IQ. Obama proved anyone can be president. And Trump has proved we don’t need a president. – Rich Hall

According to Trump everything is so unfair. His favourite word is unfair. He’s the luckiest guy in the world and he’s got this chip on his shoulder. That’s what I don’t understand that his whole attitude is: when will white men born to great wealth finally catch a break in America? – Bill Maher

After Oprah Winfrey’s Golden Globe speech many in the public are calling for a run at the presidency in 2020. Can’t we just have a regular one for a while? Just a regular boring old white dude president that smiles and shape shifts into a lizard at night? I’m tired of all these fun ideas for president. I miss boring politics. I miss when people would ask me “Hey, did you hear what the president said?” And I’d be like “No!” – Michael Che

Comparing Trump to Hitler is a bit of a stretch because Hitler managed to get elected without the help of the Russians. – Rich Hall

My job is to make jokes about the news but Trump saying something racist isn’t exactly news anymore. It’d be news if Trump said “You know what we need more of in this country? Haitians!” And by the way, he’s not the only one here that thinks like that. I’ve lived in this country my entire life and I’ve been asked to go back to Africa several times, and it’s never been because they thought I’d enjoy it there. But Donald, you do realize how rich these places are in resources, right? They’re in bad shape because they’ve been robbed and exploited for centuries by Western powers. So the President of the United States calling Africa a “shithole” is like telling a kid you molested “Boy, did you grow up to be weird!” – Michael Che

I look at Trump and the billionaire oligarchs he surrounds himself with as addicts. I do believe they are addicted to wealth, and that wealth addiction is no different from crack addiction. It fills an empty void. They will sell their grandmothers. They’re literally selling our entire country’s health for more. I remember Garry Shandling saying in 2007 that when we put people in office who are addicted to money and power, we might as well be giving a bunch of cokeheads a mountain of cocaine and saying: ‘Divide this equally among your people.’ I see it proven true every day. And we’ve raised an entire generation to worship money at any cost, no matter how it’s made. – Sarah Silverman

If you are what you eat then I guess Trump has eaten a sex offender and about 2 million Wotsits. – Nick Doody

In 2006, only months after Melania has given birth to their son, Trump is sleeping with this porn star, who was also cheating on her boyfriend, and the boyfriend knew because this porn star used to go home with orange on her collar. – Bill Maher

In any other administration, evidence that the president paid hush money to the star of “Good Will Humping” during the election would be a scandal. In this one it has, so far, elicited a collective shrug…Sleeping with a porn star while your wife has a new baby, then paying the porn star to be quiet? That’s what everyone expects of this president. – Michelle Goldberg

In August 2017 Trump began his ongoing verbal war with Kim Jong-Un and that notched the doomsday clock a bit forward. He said he would unleash “fire and fury” on North Korea “the likes of which this world has never seen.” I’m not sure where he first came up with those words “fire and fury,” probably a flavour of Doritos he was eating in bed at the time. – Rich Hall

In March 2017 the Pope himself shot of a series of passive aggressive tweets suggesting that Trump should think about building bridges and not walls. It’s not good when the Pope starts cyber bullying you. The Pope is someone who forgives people when they try to shoot him. How did you manage to get on his bad side? – Rich Hall

In the Chinese calendar 2018 is the year of the shithole. – Bill Maher

It says a lot about where we’re at as a country that in the last few days it was reported that a porn star was paid to stay quiet about an alleged affair with Trump, and for 38 minutes people in Hawaii thought they were about to get hit with an incoming missile, and neither of those is the biggest story in the news right now. They have of course been overshadowed by the fact that Trump referred to Haiti, El Salvador, and African nations as “shitholes.”– Seth Meyers

Trump Hush

Melania is my favourite member of the Trump family, mainly because she hates Trump. She just married a guy she thought was going to die. – Jena Friedman

Michael Wolff, author of the controversial book Fire And Fury, has done the impossible: he has made America read again. – Bill Maher

People say Trump is dangerous, but it’s a tough call. A lot of people have compared Trump to Hitler but if anything Trump is more like Bin Laden, just in the sense that they both used their daddy’s money to ruin the New York skyline. – Jena Friedman

Sometimes Trump is so stupid that it’s not even funny…Either Trump is lying about the visa lottery or he’s a dumbass who doesn’t know how it works and I really don’t know which one it is. – Trevor Noah

The argument can be made that America is kind of breezing along better than you would expect, and it is. But the ship’s captain doesn’t get to take credit for the weather. – Rich Hall

The fact of the matter is that Trump is just such a dick. When he has finished being president, whenever that is, America is going to say “Me too.” – Larry Wilmore

The only reason we have heard of the book Fire And Fury by Michael Wolff is because of Trump constantly denouncing it on Twitter. It is quite common for people to sell a book by calling it “The book Taylor Swift doesn’t want you to read.” But Taylor Swift doesn’t then tweet to her 86 million followers “This is the book I don’t want you to read!” All you need to do now is insult Trump and you get the sort of publicity that money can’t buy. – Nick Doody

The Republican Mitch McConnell said early on Trump will sign anything we put in front of him. So Trump just becomes for everyone in some way a useful fool. Now the problem with that is he is the useful fool but then he goes wacko and says something which destroys everybody’s plans to use him. – Michael Wolff

The porn star said Trump would only use a condom if Mexico paid for it. She also said that if you have to have sex with a guy like Trump you just shut your eyes and pretend it’s Harvey Weinstein. – Bill Maher

The problem with Trump is that you right a joke at two o’clock and by three o’clock he has negated it by doing something even stupider than what you wrote at two o’clock. – Rich Hall

This is all about personality. It is a cult of personality. His voters like the stuff he is doing. They don’t care when Sarah Huckabee Colonel Sanders comes out and lies to everybody. Trump will say something like “The earth is flat” and she then comes out and says “Nah! That’s the liberal media twisting his words. He said the earth is flat right here. You heard what he said.” – Larry Wilmore

Trump began Martin Luther king Jr day at his golf club in Florida. And what better way to celebrate Martin Luther King than with the whitest thing you can do: golf at a private club that’s named after you. – Seth Meyers

Trump has lived up to one of the promises in his inaugural speech: “I am looking forward to contaminating your every single thought and action. Every waking and sleeping moment of your existence, I will be there. I’m going to be like a weevil, crawling out of an infested egg sack, gnawing away at the pit of your basest fears about the future of America and the world. Trust me folks, it’s going to be tremendous.” – Rich Hall

Trump has praised himself for selling F52 fighter jets to Norway, even though the F52 only exists in the video game Call Of Duty. – Nick Doody

Trump is a narcissistic sociopath who is only interested in feeding his ego. – Larry Wilmore

Trump is now a part of my life, he is like a character in my life, a character who might kill me, but a character nonetheless. – Trevor Noah

Trump is the only human being who can make American Jews want to move back to Germany. – Judy Gold

Trump is the only man ever to pay a porn start to keep her mouth shut. – Bill Maher

Trump said to one journalist that he is “the least racist person you have ever interviewed.” The least racist person you have ever interviewed? Trump having cleverly chosen there an interviewer who had been cryogenically frozen since conducting a last interview in Germany in 1943…We are at the point where this man couldn’t be more racist if his Amazon recommended products were bedsheets, crosses, and fire. – from the BBC TV show The Mash Report, 18 Jan 2018

Trump was in Puerto Rico throwing out rolls of paper towels to people and yelling “There’s a lot of love in this room,” which I believe was a re-enactment of that Moscow hotel room tape that is floating around. – Rich Hall

Trump’s ‘cognitive ability’ normal, he’s just a prick, says White House doctor…Trump has no obvious mental health issues, he is just a dreadful bastard, the White House doctor has confirmed…Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “We have a tendency these days to assume people that we don’t like are somehow mentally impaired, when actually the simplest answer is that they are just turds.” – from, 17 Jan 2018

Trump’s lack of self-awareness is almost adorable. He lies all the time. It’s like listening to OJ Simpson complain about the loopholes in the justice system. – Michael Che

What Trump lacks in eloquence he makes up for by just making up nick names. Like Crooked Hillary, Rocket Man Kim, Sloppy Steve Bannon, Sleepy Eyes Chuck Schumer. The guy has invented more characters than your average Bruce Springsteen lyric. – Rich Hall

When Trump does a speech we never know what he is going to say. No one knows what he is going to do, including himself, which I like. I feel like then we are all in the same place. Trump will be like “Nobody knows. Not even me.” Democrats, Republicans, I don’t care who you are, everyone clenches their butt cheeks when he speaks. Because it could be anything, he could start a war or he could make peace. You don’t know. – Trevor Noah

With any other president having an affair with a porn star would be the end, but with Trump we are all like “Wow! Trump in a consensual affair! I think he’s pivoting.” – Trevor Noah

You want immigration to be merit-based? Your job isn’t even merit-based. Your whole life has been the opposite of merit-based. You’re a celebrity billionaire despite the fact that you’ve declared bankruptcy six times and you’re president despite being wildly unqualified. If you want a merit-based immigration system, fine, but then you should have to go back to whatever bog your family crawled out of and get in the back of the line. – Seth Meyers


  1. I have known Mike Che since High School and I have to Admit he was always Bullied by Everyone cause he didn’t take Baths or showers often so he honestly did smell like old CHINESE food ..True Story


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