23 QUOTES TO DROWN OUT THE DRUM BEAT OF WAR

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Look around you. There are literally dozens of reasons why you could so easily be down in the Trumps right now. Now watch the news. CNN is rather good. And there you have dozens more reasons to really be worried about the fate of humanity. Out of all of these here are two reasons as to why I am, like many others, feeling a wee bit pessimistic about current events.

Firstly, I came across this quote from Russell Razzaque that to me perfectly describes the actions of Team Trump:

The most dangerous people are those who cannot locate their demons within themselves and instead see them everywhere they look. – Russell Razzaque

While this sentence is rather disturbing in its own right, the sentence that immediately follows is even scarier:

The frenetic activity we are experiencing from the Trump administration is already feeling to many like a prelude to something altogether more grave. What we are witnessing is a drum beat. – Russell Razzaque

This drum beat is something that the brilliant Frankie Boyle also alludes to in a recent Guardian article:

Trump cares about the same things a member of noughties rap outfit G Unit cares about: women, money and vengeance. Yet, random though it seems, his fight with the judiciary could well be tactical. He will blame them for the next act of terrorism that occurs then declare a state of emergency where everybody has to stay indoors while his tweets are read out over a Tannoy. – Frankie Boyle

For those who cannot hear the drum beat or say there isn’t one, I give you the following succinct point from Ted Rall:

If you’re not scared, you’re not paying attention. – Ted Rall

And this video may help others visualise how I have been feeling ever since the recent presidential election:

Just when I thought I could not negatively overthink things any further, along comes this horrific story. Earlier this month in Rotherham six Muslim men were found guilty and sentenced to a total of 81 years in jail. There offences included rape, indecent assault, and false imprisonment, after the systematic grooming of underage girls. The fact that these men are Muslim is bad enough, but what makes this story exceedingly vile is that two of men shouted ‘Allah-hu-akbar’ as they were being sentenced.

Incidents like this make it obvious to me that those who dislike Islam and wish to denigrate it do not need to lift a finger in their attempts, as clearly we Muslims are doing a damn fine job of it ourselves.

So what to do when faced with such magnitudes of depression? Rather than sit here feeling infuriated, I thought what better way to cheer myself up then to lovingly collate 23 hand-chosen funny and/or clever quotes that will hopefully make you laugh and/or think. As always, enjoy…


Trump’s decision to ban immigrants from seven countries is the most flagrant breach of America’s core values I have witnessed in my lifetime. The foundation on which my country was built is being gleefully shredded by an impetuous, whimsical tyrant. It is in times like these that we Americans need to pull our loved ones close, give them a hug, and remind them that – Trump aside – the US is still a place where people of all faiths, colours and personal beliefs are welcome to acquire a handgun and fire willy-nilly at other persons of faith, colour and personal belief. – Rich Hall, Feb 2017

An Inuit hunter asked the local missionary priest: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” “No, not if you did not know” said the priest. The Inuit asked earnestly “Then why did you tell me?” – Annie Dillard

Colin had his neck brace fitted years ago and since then he’s never looked back. – Alfie Moore

Did you know if you count the number of stars in the universe and compare that to the number of grains of sand on a beach, you can ruin a holiday? – Tom Neenan

Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of angry birds. Bad example. – Bridget Christie

Husband: Quick! Call an ambulance, I think I’m having a heart attack…Wife: [takes husbands mobile] Tell me your password…Husband: It’s okay, I’m feeling better now, thanks. – Anon

I asked all of my black and minority ethnic friends if they thought I was racist or not and they both said that I wasn’t. – Bridget Christie

I thought Usain Bolt was amazing. I mean, beating the world record and slowing down at the end. How galling has that got to be for the other athletes? I have never managed to do anything in 9.69 seconds. In fact, it took me 10 seconds just to watch him do that. – Frankie Boyle

I was on tour and I was in Sheffield and I was walking along the main street in Sheffield, Fargate, and I saw two guys holding up big cardboard placards and one of them said, “Would you like to download thousands of films now from Sky?” And the other one said, “Would you like to learn the truth about Islam?” And I thought, “Oh, decisions, decisions.” – Stewart Lee

If the team you’re rooting for fails, it’s all their fault. If they are victorious however, it’s because you screamed loud enough at a TV. – Sam Grittner

If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself. – Ian Smith

In the Bible there is only one reference to man-on-man action, and that’s in the book of Leviticus in the Old Testament. One reference in Leviticus. There are 28 references to not eating shell fish. It does give you some perspective on the whole thing. And which one creates the most moral panic? I would say scallops. – Susan Calman

Irish people love Muslims. They have taken a lot of heat off us. Before we were “the terrorists”, but now we’re “the Riverdance people”. – Andrew Maxwell

Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara. – Olaf Falafel

Last night an insect flew into my kitchen and exploded…it was a jihadi long legs. – Anon

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers. – Richard Pryor

Mariah Carey bombed so hard at her 2016 new year eve’s party that ISIS took credit. – Trevor Noah

My father was a magician. Well, not a magician, he just disappeared a lot when we were younger. – Alex Edelman

My workplace is forcing me to take part in Secret Santa. Jokes on them. Linda from HR is getting a copy of the Quran and a Hijab. – Twitter comment from @Irfan_Aliii

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before. – Steven Wright

Social media is like a baby screaming and throwing tantrums…which is then soothed by a picture of a cat. – Caitlin Moran

The most famous sectarian thing outside Northern Island are the two football teams in Glasgow. There’s Celtic and they are Catholic, and there’s Rangers and they are Protestant, and they hate each other. And this sectarianism is in America now. The Rangers-Celtic thing is huge in America. It’s massive. There’s the Boston Celtics and the New York Rangers, but they rarely play against each other because one of them is a basketball team and the other is an ice hockey team. Some say it’s too slippery, some say it’s too bouncy. That’s religion for you. – Andrew Maxwell


Andy: I’ll tell you what else makes perfect hard-boiled egg scientific sense John and that is curtailing civil liberties.

John: Right, you’re going to have to explain that.

Andy: Right, OK, now the terrorists hate our freedoms, that’s really all that gets them out of bed in the mornings, so our governments have been bravely removing those freedoms, thereby giving the terrorists less to hate.

John: Oh! Its brilliant…[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

Andy: Science!

John: …it’s absolutely brilliant…

Andy: Science!

John: …thus completely defusing terrorism.

Andy: Touchdown! – John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman, from the stand-up comedy show John Oliver: Terrifying Times

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