2016’s Sharpest, Funniest Trump Jokes

Let’s face it, 2016 was a complete horror movie, so much so that if it were an actual horror movie the trailer would look like this:

Now that the Dante-inspired-circle-of-hell that was 2016 is over, I can finally present my list of funniest Trump related quotes of the year. Over the last 12 tumultuous months I have been diligently watching talk shows, news channels, documentaries, and YouTube clips. I have been carefully reading newspapers, magazines, online articles, and blogs. I have been attentively listening to podcasts, radio programs, pundits, and stand-up comedians. I have been meticulously monitoring Facebook posts, Tweets, memes, and viral videos. I have been doing all this in order to collate the funniest quotes about Trump and the American presidential election.

The fruits of my labour are presented below. Yes, these quotes are somewhat funnier if you’ve been obsessively keeping up-to-date with all things Trumpian like what I have. But don’t worry if you haven’t, as there are plenty of quotes for your enjoyment due to them being pure comedy gold in their own right.

“Why do this?” I hear you not ask. I guess the reason for gathering such witticisms is to try and humiliate the ultimate humiliator, with the words below hopefully acting as some kind of seditious act, something to quieten this noisy paper tiger, something that sticks it to da orange man, a man who sees no moral limit in whom he insults openly in public, a man who shows “a cold personal indifference, a separation of man from man” (to quote DJR Bruckner writing in 1972).

Really Donald? Really?

My very small act of mutiny is summed up by Anne Karpf:

The world’s natural resources may be at risk of depletion, but there’s one that’s still plentiful and has never been more vital: humour. Not the laughter that provides a temporary escape from the nastiness of the present, welcome though that is. No, the kind I’m talking about is humour that skewers the lies, boasts and taunts of those who claim to have “won”…In times of bigotry and prejudice, we need humour not just for escapism, but also to poke fun at the powerful…Laughing at powerful elites makes them seem less omnipotent. It punctures their self-importance and makes us feel less alone…[These jokes] won’t make Trump disappear, but they can still be an essential weapon against bigotry and prejudice. And all such weapons seem essential now. – Anne Karpf

Perhaps the best explanation of why I am doing what I do comes from George Orwell, who at the time of writing in 1940 was referring to the rather funny and rebellious Charles Dickens:

A joke worth laughing at always has an idea behind it, and usually a subversive idea. Dickens is able to go on being funny because he is in revolt against authority, and authority is always there to be laughed at. There is always room for one more custard pie. – George Orwell

Since Trump is the highest political authority in the free world, each subversive quote below can be seen as the proverbial “one more custard pie.”

However, there is a problem in trying to laugh at someone like Trump: because it is just so darn easy to poke fun at him, doing it in a smart way becomes increasingly difficult. Another more obvious problem is explained by Morten Morland:

You almost can’t ridicule him any more than he unwittingly manages to ridicule himself. – Morten Morland

Despite the fact that he is his own clown, I still feel somewhat compelled to try as best I can to bring this man down a notch or two, even if it is solely for my own egotistical satisfaction. Anyways, please enjoy the following well-chosen selection of Orwell inspired custard pies!

PS Because I am such a generous guy, the very last quote is actually a fresh one from 2017.

A Klan-backed misogynist internet troll is going to be delivering the next State of the Union address. And that is not normal. It is fucked up. – John Oliver

A swastika has been spray painted over Donald Trump’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Police say it’s impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump’s opponents or supporters. – from r/Jokes SuperCub

A Trump bumper sticker is the modern equivalent to the Confederate Flag. – Hari Kondabolu

According to Trump any place in America where black people live is the inner city. – Roy Wood Jr

After you leave office have you thought of just whispering in Donald Trump’s ear “You were right, I wasn’t born here” just to mess with him? – Samantha Bee, speaking to then President Obama, Oct 2016

All week long I’ve been seeing on TV white men weeping, like they just won some long hard fought civil rights battle. “Move over women and gays and minorities. It’s our turn now.” – Bill Maher

All week pundits and politicians have been asking themselves “How did we get here?” What is the moral GPS that led us to this cliff? How did trump win? Was this the revenge of the white, working class voters? Was Hillary Clinton complacent on the campaign trail? Did we anger the volcano gods? I knew we should have thrown Taylor Swift in there. – Stephen Colbert, 23 Nov 2016

Alt-right is the name they picked for themselves…Calling Nazis and white supremacists the alt-right is like calling OJ Simpson a cutlery enthusiast. – Seth Meyers

America has elected a dumb-ass. – Trevor Noah

America has elected an internet troll as our president. – Dave Chappelle

America has had bad presidents. You can impeach a bad president. You can vote out a bad president. You’ve never had a Donald Trump. Nobody has had a Donald Trump. No one even knows what that thing is. People go “He’s an outsider…he’s not part of the establishment.” He’s not part of the human race establishment. We don’t know what that is. – Trevor Noah

America is the most divided I have experienced in my lifetime, and I lived through the traumatic punk versus disco wars of the 1970’s. – Bill Maher

America rejected a woman who pushed a button on her emails and deleted her history, and voted for a man who could push a button and delete all history. – Rich Hall

American news is rife with propaganda. They have almost no sense of history. So you see them going “And there was a car bomb in Baghdad today.” And they then analyse it and say why do Iraqis hate cars so much. – Frankie Boyle

American politics: The two most unpopular people in the country get to stand for president and the one with the least votes wins. – James Doleman

Americans like Trump because he’s got loads of money, which is sort of their version of being clever. And he’s built all these giant buildings and written his name on them so no one else can steal them. – Charlie Brooker, from his show Charlie Brooker’s 2015 Wipe

Among Trump’s supporters there are people for whom this was 80% about race and the other 20% was about race. – Thomas L Friedman

And so, as I chitchatted over cocktails at a Washington office Christmas party in December, and saw, looming above our heads, the pulsating, angry televised face of Donald Trump on Fox News, I couldn’t help but feel a little nausea permeate my stomach. – Andrew Sullivan

At his rallies Trump takes great pride in not using a teleprompter. He doesn’t want to alienate his base by reading. When I see that hat ‘make America great again’ I always think for his crowd it’s a little wordy. Are they really getting through all of that? “‘Make America…’ Ah, I’ll read it tomorrow.” Next time he runs it’s just going to say “Fuck!” – Bill Maher

At one point, Hillary even brought up how Trump said the Emmys were rigged because Celebrity Apprentice never won one, which means the Emmy Award is the only woman who Trump hasn’t grabbed. – James Corden, referring to the third presidential debate

At this Trump rally we are witnessing history here folks, specifically Germany 1934. – Triumph The Insult Comic Dog

Beyond the circus of the election itself the American media has a lot to answer for. The partisan news coverage and the all-powerful movie industry mean that America is in fact the world’s largest producer of dangerous and harmful propaganda…The US media and entertainment sector accounts for a third of the world’s media production. The US military has been known to intervene in the making of Hollywood films. A spokesman from the US Department of Defence has said “Our desire is that the military are portrayed as good people trying to do the right thing in the right way.” Which is helpful as I can never remember which is the right way to bomb an Afghan hospital. – Frankie Boyle

Break up Mein Kampf into tiny parts and it reads like a Trump rant on Twitter. – from Funny Or Die

Congratulations on voting in the most unsuitable orange bobble-headed loose cannon. You reap what you sow. – Annette Falinski

Critics of Breitbart News say it is a hotbed of racist, sexist, and anti-Semitic views, while supporters say exactly the same thing. – Stephen Colbert

Debating Trump supporters is like trying to untangle headphones in a tornado. – Seth Meyers

Democrats feelings range from despondent to scared shitless, depending on skin tone. For the millions who voted against him the concept of president elect Trump has been hard to wrap their heads around, especially when wrapping your head might soon get you arrested. – Samantha Bee, subtly referring to women who wear hijab

Did Obama make being president look so easy that Trump thinks he can do it too? Or did he do such a bad job that it makes Trump think he can do better? – Lenard McKelvey, aka Charlamagne Tha God

Did you know Ivanka Trump is Jewish? She married an Orthodox Jew and she converted. In fact, Ivanka Trump makes love through a hole in the very same sheet her father wears at his rallies. – David Feldman

Do the Republicans know that women can vote now? – Bill Maher

Do you remember when you thought that George Bush was the bottom? That’s as low as it’s gonna get, a guy so stupid that he can’t really speak. It turns out there’s a whole thing underneath that, it goes all the way down to a guy who looks like a melted action figure of He-Man. He doesn’t even really have policies, they are more the sort of things that a drunk would say on a bus when he gets shaken awake by a pot hole. – Frankie Boyle

Donald is learning a little too late that it’s practically impossible to win a general election when you can fit all your policies on the front of a baseball cap. – Rich Hall

Donald really is as healthy as a horse. You know, like the one that Vladimir Putin rides around on. – Hillary Clinton

Donald says he wants to run for president and move on to the White House. Why not? It wouldn’t be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home. – Snoop Dogg

Donald Trump got elected president…I really hope that that is not the deal with the devil that Chicago Cubs fans made to win the World Series. – Wyatt Cenac

Donald Trump is like Jesus for Christians who’ve rejected the teachings of Jesus. – John Fugelsang

Donald Trump is what happens when parents never say “no.” – John Fugelsang

Donald, you know where Russian hackers might find Hillary’s missing 30,000 emails? Where ever you’re hiding your tax returns. – Stephen Colbert

Eat our delicious Arabian food before Trump kicks us out. – restaurant sign in the States

Even though it looks like Hillary Clinton will take the popular vote, we have to accept that the winner of this election was a Washington outsider who no one thought had a shot at running this country. Vladimir Putin. Because while Donald Trump’s position on a lot of issues is unclear, he has a firm position on Putin. and I’m going to guess missionary. – Stephen Colbert

Every time I saw Trump walk across the stage with the family, I thought: my God, they look like the Kardashian Camelot. Beautiful girls married to good-looking guys; the big patriarch with the private plane. I mean, it’s Dyyy-nasty. That is a show people want to watch. Do they want to watch a show with the Clintons earnestly discussing healthcare? No, they don’t. They want a show about making it. – Tina Brown

Everything the media says about Trump is bullshit, and I know bullshit because I have a degree from Trump University. – Triumph The Insult Comic Dog

For America, and indeed the rest of the world, Clinton versus Trump will be like being on a bus being driven at high speed towards a cliff by a psychopath, where there’s a chance that a chimpanzee might grab control of the steering wheel. It’s not a question of whether this will make things better or worse, it’s more that the whole idea of “better” may be gradually ceasing to exist. – Frankie Boyle

For anyone who has ever asked why the US needs to address the issue of reparations for its history of slavery, Donald Trump is why. He is the living embodiment of America’s unresolved issues. “How on earth can America consider expelling people of a different faith?!” an appalled England asks of a country created by the people they expelled for having a different faith. – Frankie Boyle

For the first time in our history our president is a steak salesman. – Seth Meyers

For the next four years, the President of the United States, the same office held by Washington and Jefferson, Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt, F.D.R., J.F.K. and Barack Obama, will be held by a man-boy who’ll spend his hours exacting Twitter vengeance against all who criticize him (and those numbers will be legion). We’ve embarrassed ourselves in front of our children and the world. – Aaron Sorkin

Fox News is incredible because I have never seen so many people with spray tans hate people of colour. – Hasan Minhaj

Have you read Trumps new book? Mein Kampf Is Bigger Than Your Kampf? – Jeff Ross

He can’t even comment on inanimate objects without making it sound like he wants to have sex with them. – Seth Meyers

He has clearly said countless awful things throughout this campaign. Any of which would disqualify any other candidate. Just this week, he declined yet again to release his tax returns, lied about getting a letter from the NFL agreeing with him that the debates shouldn’t clash with football games, called Angela Merkel a moron, implied that Brazil brought the Zika Virus on themselves, and encouraged a foreign powers hack of his political rival. Now, two of those didn’t happen. But you’re not sure which two. And that’s kind of the point, isn’t it? Because Trump hasn’t said one crazy thing. He’s said thousands of crazy things, each of which blunts the effect of the others. It’s the bed of nails principle. If you step on one nail, it hurts you. If you step on a thousand nails, no single one stands out, and you’re fine. That is how Donald Trump has managed to say pretty much anything in this campaign, seemingly without consequences. – John Oliver

He has that manoeuvre with his hand when he is speaking, as if he has spent his entire life from the age of 4 pulling the legs off spiders. – Andy Zaltzman

He is satire proof. You can’t keep up with him. Usually a politician does one stupid thing and then us comedians eat out on that for a year. Every day there’s a new type of stupid. It turns out he gropes women, so you go away and write jokes about that. Next morning you wake up, he’s kicked a midget. – Andrew Maxwell

He lies more than anybody we’ve ever seen. He just says whatever comes into his head. I think it’s the media’s job to point that out. I know he’s going to stammer and yell, and he does. I saw it at the last debate. He is like a five-year-old. He kept saying to the moderator “She got more time!” This is what my sister and I used to do when we were literally toddlers. “She can do anything she wants and I can’t watch any of my shows!” The idea that this is somebody who they were seriously considering electing. Even if he loses, that is a depressing thought. – Bill Maher

He owns the worst thesaurus in the world. – Seth MacFarlane

He said that all Muslims should be banned, but he announced it in the third person, which is a sure sign of a lunatic. – Ian Hislop

He says all these things that aren’t true. But loads of his followers don’t trust the media, so they believe whatever he says, so he can basically create his own mental reality and have thousands of people blindly agree with him. Actually, saying it out loud makes him sound sort of terrifying, but luckily he’s also got silly hair you can laugh at. I mean, there’s no way Hitler would have risen to power if he had some weird physical thing that made him look silly, you know like a stupid haircut or a little mousta…Oh, fucking hell! – Charlie Brooker, from his show Charlie Brooker’s 2015 Wipe

He’s such an unprecedented person to have in a position of such power. There’s no way to know what he’s going to do. But who knows? Maybe beneath the external lunatic there’s a more moderate, even-minded lunatic that we just haven’t seen yet. – Andy Zaltzman

Hillary as president would send a very powerful message to the rest of the world that the most powerful man on the planet can be a woman. – Annalisa Piras

Hillary Clinton is everything Donald Trump hates…a woman his own age. – Miles Jupp

Hillary Clinton was a very particular type of feminist. She didn’t believe in female genital mutilation, unless it was performed by an American drone. – Frankie Boyle

Hillary didn’t have an issue. She ran on nothing. But meanwhile Donald Trump had a clear message: “I have a hat. Won’t you join me and my hat? It’s a red hat. For God’s sake, it’s a red hat!” – Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

His New York penthouse is like being deep in King Midas’s rectum. – Trevor Noah

How can a man control a country when he can’t even control his hair? – Rich Hall

How Giuliani isn’t Trump’s running mate, no one will ever understand. Theirs is the most passionate television love story since Beavis and Butthead. Every time Trump says something nuts, Giuliani either co-signs it or outdoes him. They will probably spend the years after the election doing prostate-medicine commercials together. – Matt Taibbi

How long is it going to take to build that wall? How much is it going to cost? How many times are you going to go to Home Depot? How big is this thing going to be? Look how long it took to build the Freedom Tower, and we wanted that. That took 15 years. By the time they build that thing we’re gonna be the ones going over it. – Bill Burr

I am not surprised Donald Trump is happening to America because I watch movies, I do. And every time there’s a black president, something always comes to destroy the earth. Always. It’s true. – Larry Wilmore

I can’t understand why everybody treats Trump with kid gloves, and then I realised they’re the only gloves that would fit his stupid little baby hands. – Larry Wilmore

I do have some empathy for Trump, and I know it is a little unfair to have empathy for a person for whom that’s literally the one trait they lack. – David Cross

I don’t mean to trivialise the issue, but isn’t it great, don’t you think it’s just wonderful that the US finally has a despotic tyrant in charge. You know, of the type it’s been propping up in the middle east and south America for decades. What goes around comes around, my trans-Atlantic cousins. – Tez Ilyas

I feel sorry for Hillary Clinton…we have to watch her try to prove herself against the executive producer of Celebrity Apprentice. Watching her debate Donald Trump is like watching LeBron James trying to prove to America that he’s a great basketball player by playing one-on-one against Peter Griffin from Family Guy. It’s not even remotely a fair match up, but for whatever reason America has made it that and I don’t understand why. – Lenard McKelvey, aka Charlamagne Tha God

I have always felt a huge amount of kinship with Trump. We have a lot in common. We both have big hair, we have both been on television, and neither of us should, under any circumstances, become president of the United States. – Nish Kumar

I have my sister living in the United States. So she’s a Saudi woman who moved to America for opportunity. Now, in Saudi Arabia she can’t drive or whatever, but in America she can potentially be the first Muslim woman assigned to an internment camp. And that’s just inspiring. – Hisham Fageeh, comedian and Saudi citizen

I have never seen an election quite like this. On one side a hysterical woman and on the other side Hillary Clinton. – Bill Maher

I have pulled stuff out of my shower drain that would be a better president than Trump, and would look better. – Ed Burns

I have seen this guy change his position from the beginning to the end of a sentence, with no punctuation. – Bill Maher

I like imagining what certain Trump supporters would say if Hillary Clinton accepted the Dem nomination with her 5 kids by 3 different men. – John Fugelsang

I love the Chinese. I love chopsticks, I really really do. You have a lot to admire about the Chinese. Where do you think we got the idea for the wall? Some people say that the wall won’t work. Let me ask them this question. China’s got a wall. Do you see any illegal Mexicans in China? – Trump, as impersonated by Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

I really think Donald Trump never wanted to be president in the first place. Nobody’s judging a swimsuit contest with Dennis Rodman while also wanting to bring back jobs to Pennsylvania. I think he just wanted to win the election because everybody said he couldn’t. It’s like dating, chasing someone that is hard to get is always more fun than the actual relationship. He just liked the chase. He just enjoyed wooing America for 18 months. He loved making crazy promises. Even when the media was saying he was crazy, he was like “Baby, stop listening to your dumb fat friends. They’re just jealous.” And it worked somehow. America said yes. But now the chase is over and the relationship starts, and it’s not fun anymore. He’s getting texts from Dennis Rodman in the middle of the night, “Bro, let’s go hit up a beauty pageant.” He’s like “I can’t man, she’s making me put together a cabinet. I promised her a wall. I gotta have dinner with China. I don’t like this.” Clearly he’s not ready for this commitment. That’s why every time America brings up moving to DC he’s like “Yeah, babe, I’m gonna keep my place in New York.” Donald Trump is considering splitting his time between the White House and his Manhattan residence which would cost taxpayers tens of millions of dollars, but it’s all worth it to help a billionaire go night night in his big boy bed. – Michael Che

I wish I could tell you how many women are making accusations against Trump, but I haven’t refreshed my server in 10 minutes. – Bill Maher

I’ll give him credit for making some very good points about the economy during the first few minutes of the debate, but he couldn’t hang on for long. As the heat was turned up, he dissolved into a pool of his own inadequacy. – Susan Wright, referring to the second presidential debate

I’m just horrified by Donald Trump. He’s sort of like a pumpkin having a nervous breakdown. He’s like a sort of corrupt tele-evangelist that Columbo would have as a baddie or something. But he’s really dangerous, I mean he’s like proto-fascist, almost. And Hillary Clinton isn’t much better. I mean, she’s like the establishment candidate. But if you’re in one of the countries that America is destroying around the world, that election must look like, you know, someone is driving a combine harvester towards you and there’s a chance that the wheel might be grabbed by a chimpanzee. There’s not really a good option in there. – Frankie Boyle

I’d like to apologise for Mr Trump…that’s what I say when I’ve just farted in bed. – Andy Parsons

If making Trump president was the answer, I don’t think I’ll ever understand exactly what the question was. – Andy Zaltzman

If the USA was another country and they elected a man like Donald Trump, people would be calling for foreign military intervention. They would be discussing what is the best way to invade America. And it’s the northern border. It’s definitely the northern border. – Hari Kondabolu

If this is the problem then Trump is a fucking weird solution. It’s basically voting for the very embodiment of the thing people are protesting about. To be honest, I’m not sure there is any problem to which making Donald Trump president is the solution. – Andy Zaltzman

If you need me, I’ll be taking a shower for the next 4 years. – Ben Schwartz

If you re-arrange the letters in the name ‘Donald Trump’ you get ‘tan dump lord’. – Stephen Colbert

I’m not saying this is the end, but it might be a good idea to start gathering two of every animal. – Nick Doody

I’m puzzled by the people who hate Hillary, hate her SO much. I feel as if I have missed the first reel of the film where she burned down the orphanage or something, and the whole audience are very angry. And I just don’t know. But she seems fine to me. So it’s obviously a thing I’m not getting. – Hugh Laurie

Insiders say the meeting between Trump and Obama was “the most awkward we’ve seen since the last time Donald met a black person.” – Tweet from HaveIGotNewsForYou

Is it possible that we’ve all been groped by Trump but just didn’t feel it because of his tiny baby hands? – Stephen Colbert

It sounds like Trump’s voters are actually very progressive. They’ve elected the first openly crazy man to the most powerful office in the world, which is a step forward as they’ve broken the rubber padded ceiling. – from Have I Got News For You

It turns out only Donald Trump was in touch with the American people, though most of them against their will. – Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

It’s funny, comedians tell a joke and they get in trouble; Donald Trump says a terrible thing and means it, and he gets elected. I get it, though, Trump hit a vein. He hit the peak of political correctness, and he’s an antidote to all that. People are tired of being told they can’t say things, so he’s suddenly this poster boy for saying what’s on your mind, however terrible it is. And it’s going to go the other way. Trump’s going to get in, and suddenly there’s going to be 32 Jon Stewarts. It’s cyclical; people build their different armies. It was only recently that I realized that Trump actually could become president. I should have realized sooner. Think about it: We live a world where there are warnings on bottles of bleach — we have to tell people not to drink bleach. In that world, Trump can be president. And in a sense, you get what you deserve. That’s democracy, baby! It’s just a really odd thing to have this man who’s meant to be the most powerful man in the world act like a Twitter troll. – Ricky Gervais

It’s pronounced ‘huge’ not ‘uge.’ And here’s another one, it’s pronounced ‘I am fucking delusional’ not ‘I am running for president.’ – Seth MacFarlane

It’s very shrewd of Hillary to get a disease that Trump supporters can’t spell. – Angela Barnes, referring to when Hillary got pneumonia

It’s not gone unnoticed by various commentators in Remembrance week that all three leading powers that won the second world war are now controlled by right wing nationalists, while the nation that lost is now the beacon of liberal democracy. – Steve Punt

It’s not just that he’s the worst person for the job, he might be the worst mammal. – Frankie Boyle

It’s pretty clear who ruined America: white people. I guess ruining Brooklyn was just a dry run. The caucasian nation showed up in droves to vote for Trump, so I don’t want to hear a God-damn word about black voter turnout. How many times do we expect black people to build our country for us, white people? This is the worst thing we’ve ever…no, I’m sorry, that’s a very high bar. But holy shit! And don’t try to distance yourself from the bad apples and say “It’s not my fault, I didn’t vote for him! Hashtag not all white people…” Shush! Shush! SHUSH! If Muslims have to take responsibility for every member of THEIR community, so do we. – Samantha Bee

It’s so interesting to me how faux mystified everybody is at Donald Trump’s rise, his ascension, and it’s no mystery to me. There’s no mystery at all. At least twenty-five percent of this country has always been ignorant, racist, xenophobes, who are easily appealed to on an emotional level. That’s it. That’s always been the case. They didn’t just pop up once Obama was elected. All this bullshit American exceptionalism. It just didn’t turn sour…It’s great to watch, entertaining to, to watch the Republican Party and the right wing media try to retro actively undo what they themselves have been creating for the last 35 years. But it’s too late, it’s too late, that’s America’s id, it is out of the bottle, they are desperately trying to tap it back in, like “Get that thing back in…” But it’s out there and it’s fucking rampaging all over America. And you can’t spend every single day for seven and a half fucking years telling these people that you’re president is a communist Muslim from Kenya who hates America and wants to destroy it, and not expect this to be the result. What the fuck? Of course, of course people are pissed off. – David Cross

Keeping up with Trump revelations is exhausting. By late October, he’ll be caught whacking it outside a nunnery. There are not many places left for this thing to go that don’t involve kids or cannibalism. We wait, miserably, for the dong shot. – Matt Taibbi

Let me just say Mr President the Office has taken its toll on you. You look terrible Mr President. No, you do man. I mean, look at you. Your hair is so white it tried to punch me at a Trump rally. – Larry Wilmore, speaking to President Obama at a dinner event

Like everyone else I am horrified that people believed these bumper sticker slogans filled with hate he spewed…You say lock her up and you know something about the word email but what was in the emails? You have no clue. Well I’ll tell you if you were able to read this far through the holes in your sheet. They said nothing incriminating. Nothing…I cry for you people who fell for shiny hats and reality catch phrases. – Amy Schumer

Maybe Trump saw the start of ‘Gone With The Wind’ (1939) and pined for the good old days. Heck, maybe even ‘Birth Of A Nation’ (1915). Ahh, the good old days. – Mr Fish

Meanwhile, establishment figures get away with not paying taxes, and who caused that? Muslims did, by calling out tax avoidance schemes from mosques. We think they’re singing “Come to prayers and praise Allah” but they’re actually wailing “Form a subsidiary company and place its assets in Belize where there’s only a tax rate of two cents” in Arabic. – Mark Steel

Mike Pence is uniting the Republicans. Now Republicans who are afraid of Mexicans can unite with Republicans who are afraid of gay people. – Triumph The Insult Comic Dog, at the RNC Convention, Aug 2016

Most people see being president as the end goal. Trump is like, “Now that I am president, I can finally be a successful business man.” – Trevor Noah

Never take business advice from a man who cannot sell vodka or steaks. – Stephen Colbert

Never tell Americans “You can’t be that stupid” because Americans will say “Don’t tell me how stupid I can be.” – Bill Maher

Normally a candidate is finished if he’s caught avoiding a parking fine, but Trump could be filmed trafficking children and he’d say, “That’s smart business. Hey, we’re teaching these kids the value of honest work.” Then he’d go up two points in the polls. He could admit his favourite way to relax was spending all Sunday walloping dwarves with a shovel, and be recorded heating up heroin on a naked Vladimir Putin’s arse, and his rallies would be even bigger, with crowds holding placards saying: “We all back the man who takes smack from a Russian crack”. The opinion of tens of millions of Americans appears to be: “He may be a sociopathic misogynist who would delight in destroying the planet, but he sends his emails from the right account so that’s the main thing.” – Mark Steel

On Aleppo he sounds like a fifth grader giving a book report on a book he never read. – Harlan Coben, referring to Trump’s response during one of the debates

On hearing about Trump being President, I’m being told that the Grand Canyon has committed suicide. It jumped into itself. – Stephen Colbert

One small step for a megalomaniac tycoon, one giant lurch to the right for mankind. – Andy Zaltzman

People are blaming the election on voters being stupid, which I think is very unfair to the racists. – Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

People look at the Statue of Liberty and see a proud symbol of our history as a nation of immigrants, a beacon of hope for people around the world. Donald looks at the Statue of Liberty and sees a 4, maybe a 5 if she loses the torch and tablet and changes her hair. – Hillary Clinton

People say “Hillary has a cough. Let’s elect a racist instead.” – Ed Burns, referring to Hillary getting pneumonia

People who voted from Trump said they wanted someone who would run America like a business. More and more though, it seems like voters got someone who is running America for his business. – Trevor Noah

Roger Ailes: will sexually harass for food. – Triumph The Insult Comic Dog (Ailes was former head of Fox News)

Should we be giving Trump the nuclear code? Or should we just lie to him and tell him it’s 1234? – Rich Hall

Some people will vote for Trump because then they won’t have to worry about voting ever again. – Trevor Noah

That image [of Trump hugging an American flag] pretty much sums up the state of the Trump campaign. Clumsy, fake patriotism, and unwanted physical contact. – Seth Meyers

That’s a problem for a lot of Americans: They just don’t love the two choices. I mean, do you pick someone who’s under federal investigation for using a private email server? Or do you pick someone who called Mexicans rapists, claimed the president was born in Kenya, proposed banning an entire religion from entering the US, mocked a disabled reporter, said John McCain wasn’t a war hero because he was captured, attacked the parents of a fallen soldier, bragged about committing sexual assault, was accused by 12 women of committing sexual assault, said some of those women weren’t attractive for him to sexually assault, said more countries should get nukes, said that he would force the military to commit war crimes, said a judge was biased because his parents were Mexicans, said women should be punished for having abortions, incited violence at his rallies, called global warming a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese, called for his opponent to be jailed, declared bankruptcy six times, bragged about not paying income taxes, stiffed his contractors and employees, lost a billion dollars in one year, scammed customers at his fake university, bought a six-foot-tall painting of himself with money from his fake foundation, has a trial for fraud coming up in November, insulted an opponent’s looks, insulted an opponent’s wife’s looks, and bragged about grabbing women by the pussy? How do you choose? It’s so even. It’s so even. – Seth Meyers

The Christmas holidays are right around the corner and because Donald Trump is going to be president Santa can’t come to America anymore because he is a flying immigrant with a beard. – Trevor Noah

The Donald and I have a lot in common: We both live in New York, we both play golf, we both fantasize about his daughter. – Jeff Ross

The old sense of “presidential” meant magnanimous, patient and generous. The modern sense of presidential means being a corrupt, pussy-grabbing racist. – Stewart Lee

The only thing Donald Trump has done to liberate women is divorce them. – Hari Kondabolu

The person I feel sorry for in the last year is Silvio Berlusconi. Silvio Berlusconi must look at Donald Trump with the same amount of awe and raw envy that Ray Charles felt when Stevie Wonder came along. “He’s doing the same as me, only slightly better.” – Andrew Maxwell

The world has gone weird. It’s really difficult to know what to believe at the moment. The actual news reads like a spoof, while the spoof news is taken as real. It’s got to the point where people will believe stories from sources that are clearly absurd parodies of proper news, like the Onion, Click Hole, or the Daily Express…The real news is so surreally crazy that it’s hard to tell the difference any more. We have a reality show host as US president elect. Politics and entertainment finally seem to have combined into one terrifying mutant form. – from BBC Radio 4’s The Now Show

There have been Trump board games and phone contracts, credit cards, mattresses, deodorants, chocolate bars that look like gold bars, cologne sold only by Macy’s (‘Success by Trump’). He made $200 million over 14 seasons by being the star of The Apprentice, playing ‘Donald Trump’, the richest, tycooniest man in the world. Between 2005 and 2010, Trump made more than $40 million from thousands of students who enrolled in entrepreneurship classes at ‘Trump University’. Some say it was a scam. – Deborah Friedell

There’s a lot of things people don’t like about Hillary Clinton, but when she rubs you the wrong way, it’s just an expression. – Bill Maher

There’s two strands to propaganda…there’s this side of it that’s the ideology, that’s “We’re Americans, we’re exceptional.” I think the particular type of American exceptionalism is “We’re allowed to use force.” That’s the message you see in a lot of their entertainment. But there’s also distraction. So what you’re saying is there’s all this distraction so it’s okay. Michael Jackson had a lot of brilliant fun fair rides and petting zoos and stuff in the grounds of Neverland. That was the distraction. But there was something else more sinister going on. And with America we have the same thing, we have this “Yeah you can look over here, there’s some great movies from Pixar.” But at the same time, when it comes down to it, when we depict the military, or even just in our news, we are presenting an ideology that says “We’re exceptional and we’re allowed to do what we like.” – Frankie Boyle

They say ‘once you go black you never go back’. But they also say ‘orange is the new black’. If we go orange only time will tell if there is any going back, or anything to go back to. – Anon

This has been the biggest decision of maybe the last 50 years, maybe since the Second World War. I don’t know about you but anytime I hear that there is a big decision to be taken, I often think to myself I hope no Americans are involved in taking that decision. I hope no one from a country that made seven Fast And The Furious movies has any say in this. – Frankie Boyle

This is about the preservation of white supremacy. That’s what this is about. This is about white supremacy, that’s what got Donald Trump elected. And when I say white supremacy, I’m not talking about the KKK, because that’s not white supremacy, that’s white supremacy cos-play. Those are the comic book nerds of white supremacy…I’m talking about the white supremacy this country was founded on, because that’s what this country was built on. White supremacy and America go hand in hand. – Wyatt Cenac

This is the world we live in folks. We live in a world where a guy named Anthony Weiner can take a picture of his fundament and undermine democracy. It’s that simple to do. – Rich Hall

This is yet another attack from the liberal media on Donald Trump. How can he be a sexual predator? For a start, he’s not even Mexican…This is locker room stuff, guys. You know when you’ve been at the gym, and you’ve done a really hard work out, right…I mean, you don’t get a body like Donald Trump’s without working out. – Sarah Kendall

This must be bad. I’m a rich, white, straight, Anglo-Saxon male. And even I don’t feel safe. – Stephen Merchant

To be fair, Donald Trump doesn’t hate all women. It’s just the fat ones, the Mexican ones, the ones with unplanned pregnancies, the ones who don’t stick to the rules of beauty competitions, the ones who accuse him of sexual assault, and the ones who were married to Bill Clinton. – Frankie Boyle

Tonight we honor a self-made millionaire. He started with nothing, worked hard, and made a fortune…That man is Fred Trump, Donald’s dad. That’s right, for all his self-starter bullshit, he’s basically Jaden Smith with a comb-over. – Seth MacFarlane, from The Roast Of Donald Trump

Trump and Putin are such close friends that they finish each other’s elections. – Stephen Colbert

TRUMP BORED NOW…Donald Trump is bored of politics and wants to do something else now. The 70-year-old president-elect spent almost 20 minutes pretending to listen to a security briefing from the CIA, before telling the US Army to build a golf course on the moon. He said: “I get it, I’m the boss. Sure, Congress, whatever. But when do I get an eagle to perch on my arm? Anyway, I want to create the most beautiful golf course the moon has ever seen. Beautiful, just beautiful. You won’t believe it.” Drumming his fingers on his desk, he added: “Okay, what else? Can I pass a law today? Maybe annex some territory? Hey, imagine how impressed Putin would be if I defeated Isis this afternoon. Let’s do that. Yeah, we’re going to do that. We are going to do that.” – from The Daily Mash, 09 Nov 2016

Trump claims the elections are rigged. Yeah, I imagine a guy who runs beauty contests would know a thing or two about rigging elections. How come the winner of the Miss Universe contest is always from earth? – Rich Hall

Trump doesn’t make sense as a presidential candidate. He doesn’t even make sense as a human being. That’s because Donald Trump is not a person. Donald Trump is a feeling. It’s a thing that you feel. You just feel Trump. It just hits you. Like sometimes you’re mad and you’re upset and you want to curse somebody out. But sometimes you’re Trump and you’re just like “Fuck China”…He’s not a man. He’s a mood. – Ramy Youssef

Trump has launched an investigation into Bruce Springsteen’s background. He wants Springsteen to show proof that he was born in the USA. – Rich Hall

Trump has probably read the Bible only once but he’s had to swear on it about 40 times. – Triumph The Insult Comic Dog

Trump is a smart business man. When kids rang his bell and yelled “trick or treat” Trump yelled “trick” and before they could grab any candy he declared bankruptcy. – Jay Leno

Trump is a very successful author. He’s written 15 books. They all start on chapter 11. – Triumph The Insult Comic Dog

Trump is no intellectual. He’s not bringing Middlemarch to the toilet. If he had to jail with Stephen Hawking for a year, he wouldn’t learn a thing about physics. Hawking would come out on Day 365 talking about models and football. – Matt Taibbi

Trump is outraged that women have come forward making accusations. “How dare you claim I did the things I claim I do!” – Bill Maher

Trump is president. If you need me I’ll be on the moon, watching the world destroy itself. – Alex Adam

Trump represents so much of what we in Britain find worthy of satire about American culture: excessive wealth, deluded self-importance, bizarre cosmetic taste and the ability to talk for extended periods without actually saying anything at all. – Bob Moran

Trump sandwich…white bread…full of baloney…with Russian dressing and a small pickle and white American cheese…served by a Mexican. – restaurant sign

Trump told Africa to go back to Africa. – Trevor Noah

Trump Tower, also known as Chump Tower, is a tacky shit hole. It looks like something the Real Housewives Of New Jersey would pray towards. – Triumph The Insult Comic Dog

Trump will be the first US president to have never held any elected office or served in any branch of the military. In fact, Donald Trump is so privileged that the first job he ever had to apply for was president of the United States. – Stephen Colbert

Trump: “How’s that Mexican mall going?” / “Mall? We thought you said wall.” / Trump: “No way, that’s harsh. Also how’s that Muslim band looking?” – from r/Jokes chwder21

Trump’s face is so bloated with a hairpiece, I’m surprised he’s not married to Kelly Preston pretending he’s not gay. – Whitney Cummings

Trump’s main business experience is getting idiots to do pointless tasks on a bullshit reality TV show. – from The Daily Mash

Trump’s party looks like America, if you only hang out in gun shops. – Jonathan Chait

Tweets: “Donald Trump couldn’t milk a cockroach.” Trump: “I am one of the greatest cockroach milkers of all time.” – Sarah Churchwell

We are used to candidates saying “the stakes are great” but not like this. – David Axelrod, referring to Trump Steaks

We finally get to see Trump’s plan to destroy ISIS, which I assume is to buy it and run it like one of his casinos. – Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

We need a president who can get high, knows how to relax and chill. The only time Trump gets stoned is in the fantasies of every Muslim. – Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, speaking to Gary Johnson, who wants to legalise smoking weed

Well! How times change. Thirteen years on from ousting Saddam Hussain, now it’s America being run by a man in a gold palace whose ministers are mostly his family. – Steve Punt

What America has essentially done is vote for a Halloween pumpkin. Orange, scary, hollow on the inside. Actually that’s a bit unfair on the pumpkin. Halloween pumpkins do often have at least a flicker of light. – Andy Zaltzman

What did shock me about the US election was the number of people who thought Hillary Clinton wasn’t fit to be president, only because she was a woman. A lot of women even thought this. How ridiculous is that? Such a view point is outdated, it’s offensive, and it’s just plain wrong. Because sisters, correct me if I’m wrong, given a chance, given an opportunity, Hillary Rodham Clinton, she could have bombed brown children just as well as any man president. – Tez Ilyas

What is he doing with that baseball cap on his head? Trump looks less like a candidate and more like he’s going into the world series of poker. What the hell is he doing? You can’t see his face. You know how in movies you can always tell the evil guy because his face is shrouded in a shadow. And every time we watch the movie we’re going “It’s obviously him! It’s obviously him!” And right now aliens are watching us and going “It’s obviously him! It’s obviously him!” – Trevor Noah

What was obvious early on was that Clinton’s plan was to get under Donald Trump’s skin, and I’ve got to say, she brought the orange peeler, because she got in there man. – Stephen Colbert, talking about the first presidential debate

What’s the difference between Trump and Islamic State? It’s a beard. – Frankie Boyle

Who elects Lex Luthor as president? Who thought that was a good idea? Who was watching Superman and thought Superman was the villain? – Hari Kondabolu

Who gets in a fight with a musical? How is it possible that Donald Trump can get along with Putin but not Hamilton? – Jimmy Kimmel

Who knew that going bankrupt in Atlantic City was a stepping stone to the Whitehouse? – Bill Maher

Why do Donald Trump’s suits fit so poorly? He talks about all his clothes are made in China. I don’t understand why they fit like this. They’re made for you and by you. Why would they fit so badly? I wouldn’t be shocked if his suits fit like that because he exaggerates his measurements to his tailors. “No! My arm is this long! It’s this long!” It doesn’t make sense. – Trevor Noah

With regards to Trump and immigration, the irony is that immigrants don’t enter America nearly as often as Trump enters immigrants. – Triumph The Insult Comic Dog

You really want Trump to be president, don’t you? Let me ask you something, when you watched the movie Philadelphia, did you cheer for the aids? – Triumph The Insult Comic Dog, speaking to a Trump supporter

Zombies Delay Apocalypse, View Trump Victory As Proof Americans Don’t Have Brains To Eat. – future headline from Bill Maher

Michael Che: I like Donald Trump. I think he’s a hilarious dude. He doesn’t want to be president. He wanted to win. He ran that campaign like “I’m not gonna let this nerd beat me.” He just…He didn’t want to lose to Nerd Lady. That’s it. That’s it. He doesn’t want to be president. You think he really wants to be president? You think he wants to have dinner with Mitt Romney? Think he wants to sit across from people that he doesn’t even know how to pronounce their country or name? He doesn’t want to do that. That’s why he’s on tour. He goes on tour immediately. As soon as he won, he’s like “Eh, let’s go back on the campaign trail. That stuff was fun. I liked that.”

Trevor Noah: You know what’s funny is that that was like where I was like “This guy’s a stand-up.”

Michael Che: Yeah. The crowd is addictive. He’s loyal to the crowd. When he goes into Washington and he goes in the White House, he’s the dumbest guy in the room. When he goes to Bathwater, Pennsylvania, he’s a genius! They love him. – Michael Che, interviewed by Trevor Noah

3 thoughts on “2016’s Sharpest, Funniest Trump Jokes

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