2 Brilliant Articles, 2 Surreal Monologues

We have just witnessed the most bruising political struggle in modern times. So brutal, in fact, that it prompted journalist Owen Duffy to call it:

The biggest upset in US electoral history…the most outlandish and acrimonious presidential campaign in living memory. – Owen Duffy

Gallons of digital ink have been virtually spilled in analysing this political event, an event beyond historical comparison. On my seemingly never-ending search (desire?) to find meaning, I continuously read articles and listen to various experts and opinion makers, all with their unique take on what happened, why it happened, and what next.

Recently I came across two rather brilliant articles and two very surreal monologues, which go some way in explaining the overwhelming sense of bewilderment many of us still feel (assuming it ain’t just me).

With regards to the articles, first up you have Graydon Carter, editor of Vanity Fair magazine, with his article Only In America. The article begins with the line:

Only in America could a man whose staff took away his Twitter account be given the nuclear codes. – Graydon Carter

From there on in it only gets better. Carter gives reason after reason as to why the election of Trump shows how America truly is the land of opportunity because (and this is just one reason among many):

Only in America could a man who kept a volume of Hitler’s speeches by his bedside rule over the second-largest Jewish population in the world. – Graydon Carter

Shaykh Hamza Yusuf

The second article is written by my favourite Muslim scholar Shaykh Hamza Yusuf. We Shall Overcome is an analysis of why voters perhaps chose to vote the way they did, and what we Muslims should do now that we all find ourselves dragged into this post-Trump era. The article begins with a quote from the Bible, and ends with the following positive and strong statement:

Reject the race-baiting, celebrate the progress, and work to bring people together under a banner of brotherhood and sisterhood, united in a struggle that goes on. – Shaykh Hamza Yusuf

With regards to the monologues, I recently came across two very surreal speeches from two of Britain’s finest comedians. Yes, these running commentaries are very surreal (you have been warned), but I feel that the surreal nature of both of these orations reflect the surreal shenanigans of the 18 month election campaign, and of the presidency so far.

First up we have Frankie Boyle’s American Autopsy, a BBC comedy discussion show hosted by the always controversial Boyle, which ends with the following eerie monologue from Boyle:

The second monologue is from the popular podcast The Bugle, hosted as always by Andy Zaltzman. Zaltzman tries, in his own bizarre way, to reassure listeners that everything will be just fine:


As usual transcripts are presented below…

Before I go I want to leave your with this. You’ve got to look on the bright side. As I dropped my child off at school today I said “Be positive. If everything kicks off, that’s your blood type.” David Bowie was great at predicting future trends, wasn’t he? He always seemed to know what was going to be fashionable next. He had an unfailing sense for what the future would be like. And that is why this year he chose to die. David Bowie willed himself to die like a dolphin. Our civilization is coming to an end. Not at some theoretical point in the future but soon. [Removes the American flag from a box to reveal a bomb-like countdown clock] We have just under four months left. The death throes of humanity will be a carnival of indescribable horror, which I will know describe. We will see limbless men raping people with greased heads. Members of ISIS beheading themselves. James Corden continuing to perform an endless monologue, caked in the flung excrement of the 54th Southern Highlanders. At the zoo wild animals will form a dignified queue as they wait for the elephants to stamp them to death. Watching lions and tigers being trod on like grapes, humans will attempt to join them and the elephants will use their trunks to pull their heads off like champagne corks, to the ecstatic applause of the sea lions. The only currency will be the Vienna Boys Choir. 10,000 traumatized infants in makeshift lingerie will flee the Vatican like rats from a factory fire. For the people of Swansea life will go on as normal. The bloody pelt of Tom Hanks will be flown as a flag of humanities surrender to the inevitable. Alien spacecraft, seconds from earth, will turn around. God will avert His gaze in disgust, then send down His self-righteous son to be murdered again because He hates him. So please don’t waste time on petty rivalries and hatreds. That neighbour who annoys you, invite him round for a BBQ. Get drunk with him. Kill him. It doesn’t matter, he’s dead already. Life on earth is over and we can mope about it or we can enjoy the relief of knowing that nothing matters anymore. I don’t know about you but I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. After this I’m off to the National Gallery to fuck a Rueben’s. And don’t feel sad. You’re the lucky ones, you made it to the end of the game. The movie is over and we’re living in the blooper reel. I’ve buried a time capsule for the people of the future, and you know what’s in it? A pressure-sensitive land mine. Good luck rebuilding society with no legs. The very last chapter of human history will involve Richard Branson trying to flee the earth on a spacecraft, but as he blasts off he’ll feel my shotgun at the base of his skull, and my erection at the base of his spine. I will be the alien to his Sigourney Weaver. Anyway, I’m sorry that I won’t be with you for the coming struggle. In these final moments of existence I’m afraid I have better things to do than try to amuse strangers. Goodbye. – Frankie Boyle, from his BBC show Frankie Boyle’s American Autopsy, Nov 2016

Remember…it will all be fine. Don’t worry, it will all be fine. Possibly. Depending on who and where you are, and what your definition of fine is. And whether by all you mean not all. It’s just been a storm in a tea cup, admittedly a storm that has seen the democratic process and the concept of human dignity capsized and buffeted to within an inch of their lives. And in a tea cup that is the world’s most powerful nation. That is a big tea cup. A big, big tea cup. And we are all now going to be forced to drink that bitter, bitter tea for 4 years. That potentially poisonous tea. It is still just a storm in a tea cup. And look, the economic markets have been quite stable for the last few hours. That proves that everything is going to be okay economically and socially on a national and global for the next 4, sorry, 8 years. And yes that shattering sound you can hear, that is not the sound the glass ceiling being smashed to pieces. It was the sound of Vladimir Putin high-fiving himself in his own mirror. There is no point crying over spilled milk, even if that milk is spiked with arsenic and it’s been spilled directly into your mouth before someone forcibly holds your lips together and shouts “It’s democracy in action. If you don’t like it why don’t you fuck off to North Korea.” It will all be fine. – Andy Zaltzman, from The Bugle Podcast, Number 4004, Nov 2016



You’ve got President El Trumpo thinking about his Muslim register due to his irrational fear of Islam (even a billboard can apparently scare him). You’ve got ISIS still rampaging around the Middle East. You’ve got murderous chaos still reigning supreme in Syria. You’ve got increasing Islamophobia everywhere.

All of this adds to a sadder sorrier state of affairs for us Muslims. It’s become so bad in fact that a recent headline from the Independent read Texas Men Train To Shoot Muslims And Dip Bullets In Pig Blood So Victims ‘Go Straight To Hell’. Good luck with that.

One would hope it does not get any worse than this, but I’m not exactly holding my breath. In order to counteract this growing wave of Islamophobia, please find below 9 positive news stories about Muslims that I have been collating for a few months now. Yes. Positive stories. About Muslims. They are out there if you look hard enough.

It was originally going to be a list of 10, as I was going to include a story about Zakia Belkhiri, a cheeky young Muslim woman who confidently took some selfies directly in front of far right anti-Muslim protesters in Belgium, thereby gaining notoriety as a bit of a renegade Muslim:


However, it was later revealed that she was an anti-Semite. After some anti-Semitic Twittering from Zakia, such as “Hitler didn’t kill all the Jews, he left some. So we [would] know why he was killing them #fuckrs”, someone poignantly came up with this:


And that’s why we are down to 9. Anyways, positively enjoy!

During Ramadan Muslims were very generously giving £38 a second to charity…

It is estimated by the Muslim Charities Forum that British Muslims gave approximately £100 million to charitable causes during the month of Ramadan this year. To give some context, that equates to approximately £38 a second…So say the Charity Commission.

Celtic fans raise more than £130,000 for Palestinian charities after flag protest…

Glasgow Celtic football club recently had a home match with Israeli team Hapoel Be’er Sheva, in a Champions League qualifier. During the match hundreds of Celtic fans showed solidarity with Palestinians by proudly displaying the flag of Palestine. Surprise surprise, UEFA did not take too kindly to this and fined Celtic for the display of such flags.

To continue with their support for Palestine, Celtic fans then went on to raise over £130,000 for Palestinian charities in an attempt to match the impending UEFA fine. Come on the bhoys!…More details from the Guardian.


In our post-Trump era Muslim actor Mahershala Ali still has hope…

Stephen: You are an African American Muslim. How does that feel to be an African American Muslim today as opposed to how it felt a week ago [before the Trump election]?

Mahershala: I was just feeling in the clear from 9/11. So, you know, it took a long time to get comfortable, you know. It was a very difficult time because, look, I converted to Islam in like 1999 or 2000 and then, you know, 9/11 happened. So it was a really difficult time. And then now, you know, with someone who is kind of trying to reinforce this division, it’s challenging. Because, look, being an African American first, and then being a Muslim, like, those are two groups of people who feel misunderstood. And they feel like people who have been trying to fight to be accurately represented in and seen as full human beings and as equal and as people with something to offer as well. And so, it’s a very challenging time. But, you know, I believe and I have hope and there’s a lot of people out there doing a lot of good work. And yeah. So…fingers crossed moving forward. – Stephen Colbert, speaking to actor Mahershala Ali, a week after the Trump election

A British soldier stands up against Islamophobia…

A British soldier who lost his leg in Iraq has posted a powerful message to people “expecting racism” from him just because he “got blown up”…

More details on ITV.

A beautiful mosque has been rebuilt in Bosnia…

In the town of Banja Luka, Bosnia, the historic 16th century Ferhadija Mosque was torn down in 1993 by Serb forces in the then ongoing sectarian violence in the region. Recently, however, the mosque has been rebuilt and had it’s reopening ceremony, where several thousand people attended. Amongst many things happening that day, there was a message from the Prince of Wales that was conveyed to the mufti of Banja Luka, Dr Osman Koszlic.

A royally awesome school elects a Muslim prom queen in San Bernardino…

In December 2015 in San Bernardino, California, there was a horrific mass shooting where two Muslims killed 14 people and injured at least another 17. Fast forward four months to April 2016 and in the same county you have 18-year old Zarifeh Shalabi being elected as prom queen at Summit High School, just miles from the shooting…More details from the Huffington Post.


The brilliant Samantha Bee speaks out against Islamophobia…

Amazon has just released this heart-warming advert about a vicar and an imam…

Finally, Sadiq Khan has been mayor of London for over 6 months now…

For several years the most high ranking Muslim official in Britain was the Birmingham based community leader Citizen Khan (a fictional person from a mediocre BBC sitcom). Well, not anymore, for now that title goes to the Muslim mayor of London Sadiq Khan.

Much has been written about Khan becoming mayor, below are just a few of the more interesting things I’ve come across…

He’s been standing up to Trump since day one…

Here is in in May, on the cover of New Statesman, being touted as the ‘anti-Trump’:


He has also ruffled a few other right-wing feathers in the States, with the Drudge Report calling Khan the ‘first mayor of Londonistan’, whilst Breitbart had an editorial advocating how people should leave London now.

William Shatner sent him a great tweet (which only makes sense if you’ve seen Star Trek II The Wrath Of Khan)…

As did Hillary Clinton…

Homa Khaleeli sees this appointment as a massive step forward in the fight against Islamophobia…

What a relief. For the past few months it’s been hard to get my head out of my hands long enough to watch the news. And it’s not just the celebrity deaths that have depressed me: 2016 has not been kind to British Muslims. Channel 4 painted us as polygamous, sexist homophobes in its documentary What British Muslims Really Think. Donald Trump told us we would be banned from the US – and went on to clean up in the primaries. And through it all there was the steady drip of poison from Zac Goldsmith’s London mayoral campaign. So the news that Sadiq Khan has become London’s first Muslim and first ethnic minority mayor couldn’t come at a better time…A Muslim mayor of London might not end the Islamophobia in British politics – any more than Obama’s win cured racism in the US – but it offers a moment, at least, of hope. – Homa Khaleeli

People are sharing this poignant anecdote about Sadiq Khan and a Qur’an…

Khan gave an interview to the Evening Standard in May 2015. In it he spoke about becoming a member of the Queen’s Privy Council in 2009. The swearing in ceremony involved a bible:

The next day Buckingham Palace rang about his appointment to the Privy Council: “You’re going to be sworn in before the Queen, what sort of bible would you like?’ I said: ‘I swear on the Koran, I’m a Muslim’. They said: ‘We haven’t got a Koran, can you bring your own?’ So I went to Buckingham Palace with my Koran and afterwards they returned it and I said: ‘No, can I leave it here for the next person.’” – from the Evening Standard, May 2015

Some funny comments from Adil Ray and Frankie Boyle on Have I Got News For You…

Frankie: This is the election of Sadiq Khan as London mayor…Did you follow the London mayor debate?

Adil Ray: I did, yes, followed it with great delight. But on behalf of all Muslims, and that’s what I do, as a Muslim we talk on behalf of all of us. And there is 1.6 billion of us and I’ve spoken to them all before we came on tonight. We’re not very happy because he’s not a proper Muslim. No beard. In fact, you’d be a better Muslim than Sadiq Khan, I think…If you’re wondering where my beard is, they wouldn’t let me through security with it…

Frankie Boyle: There was quite a sad moment where Paul Golding, who is the head of Britain First, he turned his back on Sadiq Khan during his acceptance speech. I thought it’d be good if he’d accidentally turned to face Mecca…

Adil Ray: We wait now as Muslims to see what Sadiq Khan’s got in store. He’s been in a week and we’ve not seen any evidence of King’s Cross changing to King’s Abdullah’s Cross, or Buckingham Palace losing the ‘ham’ bit…Bucking Palace I think would work…

Julia Hartley-Brewer: I interviewed Sadiq Khan…and I said to him, “Would a victory for Sadiq Khan for the London Mayor be a victory for Jeremy Corbyn’s leadership of the Labour Party?” And Sadiq Khan said, “Is that the time?”

Adil Ray: What, was it prayer time, was it? Get used to that, get used to that. Sadiq Khan can walk out of any interview, any time. “I’ve got to go, sorry, it’s prayer time.” Good on you, Sadiq.

Comedian Raz says ‘thanks’…

With Khan now as mayor of London, Asian comedian Raz has pointed out a somewhat negative side effect for all the other Asians in the UK:

6 Videos That Explain Hair Force One

He has only been El Presidente for a few days and yet he has, surprise surprise, backtracked (or rowed back or ditched) many of his flagship bizarro promises. It seems that moving from campaign rhetoric to implementable working policies is not that easy. Who knew?

For example, he has rowed back scrapping Obama-care (probably after meeting Obama and being told some harsh truths). He seems to have changed his plans on jailing the Crooked One (even though his BFF Rudy Giuliani is still hinting it may happen).

He has also backtracked on banning Muslims, building a wall (some of it may now be more fence than wall), taxing China at 45%, ripping up the Iran nuclear deal, bringing back waterboarding (the Attorney General’s office has told him this is actually illegal), and many others.


My personal favourite was his constant cry to bring back law and order: the recent mass demonstrations across America, with many arrested and one person shot, clearly show Trump may also have problems in this area.

Anyways, like many of you I too have been trying to make sense of this all. 2016 has seen many changes. We have lost Prince, David Bowie, Leonard Cohen, Muhammad Ali, and now we have lost the ideals of western democracy. Brexit and Trump are clear indications of the rise of nationalism and…you know what, why don’t I just let others more qualified to analyse this President Trump phenomenon…

Also well worth perusing is film maker Ethan Coen’s list of people he “thanks” for Trump winning. Yes, he is being sarcastic, bitterly so. Anyways, on to the videos, enjoy (as much as one can)…

A bit of context…Stephen Colbert explains what really motivated humiliated Trump to run…

After the election…Seth Meyers emotional remarks on President Trump…

Jonathon Pie brutally takes the liberal left apart for their role in all this…

Samantha Bee gives her angry yet measured next day reaction to Trump winning…

Dave Chappelle gives his unique take on life in the post-Trump era we all now live in…

Finally…Russell Brand on what we should do now…


In honour of the New York Times printing 282 Twitter insults written by the 70 year old racist Donald Trump, and in honour of GQ magazine listing 176 Reasons Donald Trump Shouldn’t Be President, I feel somewhat compelled to write a similar list myself.

With that in mind, please find below 460 descriptions of Trump from a variety of sources. This bigly list of descriptions is so yuge that it covers all angles: some are funny, others are rude, insulting, surreal, bizarre, disgusting, nonsensical, political, emotional, vitriolic, and many are provocative. One thing they all have in common is they are all oh so true. A lot of people are saying that.

I have avoided one word descriptions, many of which can be found at Describe Donald Trump In One Word. If you are into that sort of thing then further word analysis is presented in the Atlantic, listing common words frequently used when covering Trump, and the rather awesome Devil’s Glossary, both well worth a look.

And before I tell you to enjoy, no I have not read all of those 282 Twitter comments. Anyways, a lot of time and effort has gone into comprising this list, so I do hope you enjoy!

PS If there are descriptions you know of that are not on the list, then please feel free to send me your suggestions. Thanks in advance.

A 70-year-old man who cannot change and has no intention of doing so. – David Smith

A bag of flour. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A bag of toxic sludge. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A bargain bin full of yellowing Jean-Claude Van Damme movies. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A batshit crazy bigoted racist jingoist asshole. – Mr Fish

A bewildered, golden-helmeted astronaut who’s just landed on this planet from a distant galaxy. – Anna Merlan

A big silver back gorilla. – Nigel Farage

A bigoted, sexist, divisive, vainglorious fan of political violence. – Ron Fournier

A bird-brained, predatory beast. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A blackening scab artfully hiding in your Raisin Bran. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A bloated billionaire scion. – Matt Taibbi

A blowhard with a 7th-grade vocabulary who became a celebrity billionaire with a supermodel wife. – Seth Meyers

A brain-damaged baboon. – Samantha Bee

A bright orange man in a bright red hat. – Seth Meyers

A brightly burning trash fire. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A burlap sack full of rancid Peeps. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A bursting landfill of municipal solid waste. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A candied yam riddled with moldy spider carcasses. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A carnivorous plant watered with irradiated bat urine. – Anna Merlan

A cartoon representation of Irritable Bowel Syndrome in a pharmaceutical ad. – Anna Merlan

A Cheeto-dusted bloviator. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A chewed up piece of carrot cake. – Trevor Noah

A child king. – Steve Almond

A clownish peddler of racial and religious stereotypes who makes everything up as he goes along. – E J Dionne Jr

A con man. – Bruce Springsteen

A cruel, crude, vulgar bombast. – Jeremy Paxman

A cry baby jack-o’-lantern. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A cryogenically frozen bog man. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A damaged human being…a person to be shunned. – David Letterman

A damaged sociopathic narcissist. – John Oliver

A dangerous demagogue completely unsuited to the responsibilities of a United States president. – Bruce Kovner

A Day-Glo roadside billboard about jock itch. – Anna Merlan

A decomposing ear of corn. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A decomposing pumpkin pie inhabited by vicious albino squirrels. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A deeply stupid person: a crude, nasty, bloviating man. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A deflated football. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A degloved zoo penis. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A demagogue who intentionally seeks to exploit the “poorly educated” by appealing to them with simplistic messages that in truth carry no substance. – Cody Cain

A demagogue who seems to appeal to the lowest common denominator. – Prof Stephen Hawking

A demented orange murder clown. – The Daily Mash

A demonic messiah in Oompa Loompa’s clothing. – Keith Olbermann

A deranged sex case. – Frankie Boyle

A dick waving Berlusconi knock-off. – Samantha Bee

A disappointment. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A disgraced Pope impersonator. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A disgusting, reprehensible egomaniac who sees only himself and denies the humanity of others. – from The Onion

A dishrag that on closer inspection is alive with maggots. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A Disney villain. – Linda Tirado

A disturbingly old Dennis the Menace impersonator. – Anna Merlan

A dumb person’s idea of what a smart person sounds like. – Christian Lorentzen

A dumpster fire. – Samantha Bee

A dusty barrel of fermented peepee. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A failed gambling czar, corporate welfare king, and supreme hypocrite to his own accusations about others. – Ralph Nader

A fake clown who is making a mockery of the real clowns who have been running American government for years. – Rich Hall

A fake-bake-ing chicken hawk whose knowledge of the Middle East could be trumped (sorry) by your average Georgetown sophomore. – Andy Kroll

A false prophet who will guide the great nation of the United States to the bottom of the ocean, all the way through the shores of ignorance, racism, hunger and despair. – Vicente Fox

A fart telling an endless joke about itself. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A fart-infused lump of raw meat. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A fascist golem made of flypaper. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A fascist…a self-serving, arrogant, stupid lunatic…a very clear reality to the old adage: Arrogance is ignorance matured. – Martin Sheen

A figurative rubber, and also literal rubber. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A flatulent leather couch. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A flopped-over traffic cone. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A football hooligan going lower and lower. – Annalisa Piras

A fossilized meatball. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A foul mouthed thrice married pussy grabber. – Bill Maher

A foul-mouthed tit judge. – Samantha Bee

A fucking fat faced maniac. – Lee Camp

A fucking wigged prick. – Adam Hills

A full of himself spoiled rich brat…a crude obnoxious megalomaniacal mutt…an embarrassment to the country…he needs to get on his horse & giddyap back to his gilded bird cage in Dump Tower. – Victoria Gotti

A full-grown Monopoly dog carefully balancing a spongecake atop his head. – Anna Merlan

A fuzzy meat wad. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A gangrenous gaping wound. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A garbage fire. – from Funny Or Die

A general disaster area. – Adam Hills

A giant novelty dildo. – Trevor Noah

A giant orange Twitter egg. – J K Rowling

A glistening, shouting gristle mass with a history of saying terrible and stupid things. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A golden goose so loved by God he was transformed into a human man, only the Lord got tired midway through and paused for rest, never to resume. – Anna Merlan

A hair plug swollen with rancid egg whites. – Anna Merlan

A hair that you pluck, causing a cluster of hairs to sprout in its place. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A hairpiece come to life. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A heartless, dangerous, malignant individual. – from The Onion

A heaving carcass. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A hollow, vicious man who never met any inferior he couldn’t bully. – Todd Gitlin

A horking mole-creature suffering from radioactive spray-tan. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A horsehair mattress stuffed with molding copies of Hustler. – Anna Merlan

A hot pork balloon. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A huge lobster, 90% of which is just a big orange husk, and the claws are really tiny. – Rich Hall

A human embodiment of a YouTube comments section. – Erin Gloria Ryan

A human horror show who has never once given a moment of thought to the hopes, dreams, struggles, or circumstances of anyone else in existence. – from The Onion

A human Kinder Egg whose inner surprise is a tiny pebble of rat shit. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A human ocarina. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A human/Komodo dragon hybrid. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A human-shaped wad of Gak. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A human-sized infectious microbe. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A hunk of beef jerky that rolls under the couch and is left there to harden, becoming covered in dust and cat hair until a cockroach takes it back to its lair and makes it his wife. – Anna Merlan

A KKK rally port-a-potty holding tank. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A lamprey eel spray-painted gold. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A lead paint factory explosion. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A lecherous, chauvinistic serial abuser. – from The Onion

A little bit charming, a little more patronising and totally unpredictable…the epitome of volatile. – Emily Wright

A loathsome demon. – from The Onion

A Loony-toon. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A loudmouth carny racist egomaniacal money-fellating jack-booted misogynistic thug. – Mr Fish

A low rent villain in a Disney movie trying to build a hotel on a kids’ skate park. – Frankie Boyle

A ludicrous figure…at least he’s worked out how to cover 90 per cent of his skull with 30 per cent of his hair. – Christopher Hitchens

A lying infantile scumbag. – Bill Maher

A lying, handsy, narcissistic sociopath. – John Oliver

A malfunctioning wind turbine. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A malignant corn chip. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A malignant narcissist…too stupid to be a sociopath…reminds me of Jerry Springer, if Jerry Springer ran for President. A tacky TV guy. – Elizabeth Sobieski

A man that angry and that hateful has to suffer from an erectile dysfunction. There’s no other excuse for it. – Lenard McKelvey, aka Charlamagne Tha God

A man who could one day become the first hobgoblin to enter the White House. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A man who is a child and whose face is birth control. – from a Saturday Night Live sketch

A man whose progressive attitude towards women’s rights makes Genghis Khan look like Polly Toynbee. – Miles Jupp

A man with the hair of a radioactive skunk. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A man-baby, a failed businessman who lurches from tantrum to tweet storm and back again, who shows no impulse control, who won’t take responsibility for his actions, and who whines–a lot–when things don’t go his way. – Susan Campbell

A man-baby…has the physical countenance of a man and a baby’s temperament and hands. – Jon Stewart

A manipulative, grandiose narcissist with no self-control. – Heather Digby Parton

A man-shaped asbestos insulation board. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A man-sized sebaceous cyst. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A mass of whoopie cushions and mashed potatoes inhabited by a chaos demon. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A master of disaster. – Jo Klein

A masterpiece of American melancholy. – Bruno Kavanagh

A megalomaniac reality TV star incapable of understanding facts. – from The Daily Mash

A melting pig carcass. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A monument to human hubris crafted out of rotting Spam. – Anna Merlan

A mountain of rotting whale blubber. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A nacho cheese golem. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A narcissistic bowl of rotten gazpacho. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A neo-fascist real estate golem. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A neon-tinted hellion. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A new superfood made of finely-ground clown wigs. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A pair of chapped lips superglued to a hairball. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A parental pile of burnt organic material. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A perpetual embarrassment. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A pervert who tries to conceal the size of his tiny hands inside of vaginas. – Trevor Noah

A pestilent clownfister. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A Play-Doh factory explosion. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A plentiful field of dung piled into the shape of a presidential candidate. – Anna Merlan

A poorly-drawn fascist. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A poorly-trained circus orangutan. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A prurient, sexist predator—one who doesn’t let anything get between him and the satisfaction of his immediate desires. – from The Onion

A pumpkin-flavored arsenic marshmallow. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A punk ass chump. – from strangecargo.com

A rabid coyote with bad hair. – Stephen King

A race baiting demagogue. – Samantha Bee

A racist Cheeto. – Hasan Minhaj

A racist soft serve machine that only dispenses diarrhea. – Trevor Noah

A racist sunset. – Trevor Noah

A racist teratoma. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A racist voodoo doll made of discarded cat hair. – John Oliver

A racist, a liar, a tax cheat, a draft-dodger, a deadbeat, a Russian agent, and a rapist…How can we see this and other people can’t? That’s what’s so sad about what’s going on in this country. – Bill Maher

A racist, sexist block of aged Cheddar. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A Ralph Steadman illustration come to life. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A rapey can of Fanta. – Trevor Noah

A Republican frontrunner and 250-pound accumulation of rancid beef. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A repugnant, repulsive cancer of a person who makes our world a crueler, more hateful place by his very existence. – from The Onion

A resilient slug covered in salt wounds. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A revolting slug completely unfit for public office. – Jeremy Buckingham

A rich idiot…willing to allow garbage to fall out of his mouth without batting a single golden lash. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A roiling Cheez Whiz mass. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A Rorschach test of America’s fears. – Linda Tirado

A rude, crude, fatuous, vacuous, panting, ranting, shallow, bellowing maniac. – Twitter comment from mwwesqcpa

A Rumpelstiltskin inflated with a bike pump and filled with bacteria. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A screaming giant cheese wedge. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A seagull dipped in tikka masala. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A seeping fleabag. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A self-celebrating sexual predator whose rhetoric threatens the democratic process. – Kim Campbell

A self-financed jack-o’-lantern. – Trevor Noah

A self-tanning enthusiast. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A sentient circus peanut. – John Oliver

A sentient hate-balloon. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A sentient septic tank. – from Funny Or Die

A sentient waste disposal plant. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A serial hypocrite. – Ron Fournier

A sexually ravenous shambling orange baby man. – Stephen Colbert

A shallow, mendacious, boorish and extremely dangerous man. – George Monbiot

A shaved St Bernard dog in a suit. – Chris Addison

A shrieking pumpkin. – Frankie Boyle

A shrivelled pinto bean you had to pluck out of your Chipotle burrito basket. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A shrivelled tangerine covered in golden retriever hair filled with bile that I would not leave alone with the woman I love. – Stephen Colbert

A simplistic, self-involved gasbag of a candidate. – Tom Hanks

A sloshing styrofoam takeout container filled with three-day-old mac and cheese. – Anna Merlan

A small, insecure, money grubber, who cares about no one and nothing but himself…a pathetic cheapskate…a selfish little sleaze ball…a two bit con man. – Elizabeth Warren

A small, snivelling wretch of a man who doesn’t even deserve the validation of a grubby reality TV show, never mind the position of the most powerful political leader on the planet. – Collette Browne

A sociopath drunk on himself. His religion is hatred. His god is Donald Trump. He is also addicted to empty adjectives. He is not a man of his word or of words as markers of truth. – Enrique Krauze

A spray-tanned failed businessman who lies constantly. – Seb Reilly

A sputum-filled Orange Julius. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A stately hot dog casing. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A sticky, grabby, Cheeto-hued toddler with no sense of adult deportment. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A sun-dried tomato. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A sunken, corroding soufflé. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A sun-kissed ass plug. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A superfood made of finely-ground clown wigs. – Anna Merlan

A swollen earthworm gizzard. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A Taco truck. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A talking comb-over. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A talking tube of bronzer. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A tattered Craigslist sofa. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A temperamental gelatinous sponge. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A terrible man who has done terrible things and has a terrible plan for the country. – Trevor Noah

A thin-skinned, upside-down traffic cone filled with bile and overcooked steak, a transparent con artist whose only answer for America is, “What would happen if Gordon Gekko fucked Snooki and they had a micro-fingered reality TV baby?” A man whose face is so red and swollen it looks like his skin is allergic to facts, you tangerine-tinted sack of shit. – Desi Lydic

A three year old trapped inside a Cheeto Puff. – Chelsea Handler

A Tic-Tac sucking pussy monster. – Trevor Noah

A total walking cliche, devoid of any originality or inspiration, a shallow copycat of empty male stereotypes, marionette rather than human, a sad lost soul in a mire of platitudes. – Ian Flintoff

A two bit used hate salesman. – Samantha Bee

A two-bit bullshit artist conning America to help himself. – John Oliver (Oliver then said if Trump pulls out of the race claiming it was all a joke to test America, then he can become “a three-bit bullshit artist conning America to help America”)

A vicious, racist, dangerously unstable sociopath. – from The Onion

A vile nincompoop. – Bill Maher

A vile, crotch-grabbing man-toad…a volcano of raw internet sewage. – Jen Sorensen

A waddling sack of shit with a comb over from a cashier at a $5 motel. – Bill Maher

A walking irradiated tumor. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A walking pile of reanimated roadkill. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A wanton baby. – Russell Brand

A wax museum figure on a very hot day. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A whiny little bitch. – Bill Maher

A wolf in wolf’s clothing. – Mike Littwin

A wrinkly skin balloon filled with farts. – from theslot.jezebel.com

A yellowing hunk of masticated gristle. – from theslot.jezebel.com

Aggressively stupid. – from theslot.jezebel.com

America is considering putting a 5 year old in the White House. A five year old. Someone who says “You’re the puppet!” – Bill Maher

America’s wealthiest haemorrhoid. – John Oliver

America’s Joker. – Trevor Noah

America’s scariest clown. – Trevor Noah

An abandoned roadside ham hock. – from theslot.jezebel.com

An adult blobfish. – from theslot.jezebel.com

An aggravated giant duckling. – from theslot.jezebel.com

An ambitious corn dog that escaped from the concession stand at a rural Alabama fairground, stole an unattended wig, hopped a freight train to Atlantic City and never looked back. – from theslot.jezebel.com

An arrogant asshole with an ego the size of Texas. – Cher

An assault on American democracy. – Keith Olbermann

An authoritarian political outsider stoking xenophobia in a nation where the poor felt marginalized, and blaming complex problems on scapegoating minorities. – from Funny Or Die

An egomaniacal ringmaster who has dominated this prolonged election circus. – from Variety magazine

An egomaniacal, attention-thirsty, psychopathic, power-hungry, delusional waste of skin and bones…a troll. – Mac Miller

An empty popcorn bag rotting in the sun. – from theslot.jezebel.com

An enlarged pee-spattered Sno-Cone. – from theslot.jezebel.com

An enraged Gak spill. – from theslot.jezebel.com

An enraged, bewigged fetus blown up to nightmarish size. – from theslot.jezebel.com

An idiot dog that ate a whole tub of orange frosting and shat out the oiliest, hottest, most vile and rank semi-firm orange turd the world had ever seen. The turd fell into a pile of pubes recently shaved off the ballsack of a racist necromancer, and their lingering scrotal enchantments brought the turd to life and imbued it with the power of speech and a primal hatred of anyone who is not a wealthy orange sociopath. And the turd called itself “Donald.” And then it just fucking talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and FUCKING TALKED. And not a brow on earth would crease for even one instant if some plucky adventurer were to find and destroy all seven of the turd’s devilish horcruxes, causing it to finally crumble into stanky fecal dust, scatter to all the darkest corners of the earth, and plague us no more with its poisonous talking. – from theslot.jezebel.com

An ill-fitting suit full of chickens coming home to roost. – John Oliver

An individual who mocked a disabled reporter, who attributed a reporter’s questions to her menstrual cycle, who mocked a brilliant rival who happened to be a woman due to her appearance, who bragged about his marital affairs, and who laces his public speeches with vulgarity…he admires Vladimir Putin, at the same time he has called George W Bush a liar. That is a twisted example of evil trumping good. – Mitt Romney

An insult comic writ large. – John Oliver

An orange juggernaut. – Nicky Woolf

An orange talking STD. – Rachel Bloom

An orange, sexual-assaulting, fake-college-starting monster. – Amy Schumer

An oversized wasp exoskeleton stuffed with old mustard. – from theslot.jezebel.com

An unambiguously racist scarecrow stuffed with scrunched-up copies of Jugs magazine. – John Oliver

An unconscious fascist, less like Hitler the careful schemer, more like Adolf’s mentor Mussolini, who cobbled together a little bit from the socialist left and a lot from the nationalist right, winged it as he noted which lines got the most applause, and repeated those. – Ted Rall

An uncooked chicken breast. – from theslot.jezebel.com

An undead tangerine. – from theslot.jezebel.com

An unexamined pulsating mass of conspiracy-laden megalomania. – Linda Tirado

An unhinged tangerine-coloured candidate with cotton candy hair who lies about being a billionaire. – from The Daily Mash

An unkempt troll doll found floating face down in a tub of rancid Beluga caviar. – Anna Merlan

An unmentionable uncle carted off on a kiddie-porn rap just before Thanksgiving dinner. – Matt Taibbi

As much as Trump says he loves America, he really just loves dictatorships. He loves threatening to imprison his opponents. He wants to limit free speech. And yes, he has threatened libel against people that speak out against him. – Hasan Minhaj

Cinnamon Hitler. – Trevor Noah

Clinton is the ultimate symbol of the banks, businessmen and politicians who have overseen the decline in living standards of millions of Americans. But Trump is a sociopath. – Mark Steel

Dangerous and thin skinned and unhinged and clinically insane and an ego maniac. A compulsive liar, a charlatan with the impulse control of grease fire. – Bill Maher

Dead clown walking. – from a Daily News headline

Disgusting Don. – from the Huffington Post

Donald The Trump. – Ward Sutton

Donald Trump is a bigot. Donald Trump is a demagogue. Donald Trump is a sexist, misogynist, chauvinist pig. Donald Trump is a bully. Donald Trump is a cheat. Donald Trump is a pathological liar. Donald Trump is a nativist…Donald Trump is America’s existential threat. – Charles M Blow

Donald Trumpkin. – Jonathon Ross

Even by his own campaigns account Trump is an unruly child who has to be manipulated to listen to his aides. – Seth Meyers

Extravagantly coiffed. – Clive James

F*ckface von Clownstick. – Jon Stewart

Greedy, grasping, piggish, thuggish, out for No. 1, whore for publicity…He’s the whole package. – Michael D’Antonio

Groper-in-chief. – Stephen Colbert

Has a total lack of impulse control, conscientiousness, and tact. – from The Onion

Has brash, vitriolic responses to even the smallest and most inconsequential provocations. – from The Onion

He ascended from tabloid celebrity to apprentice celebrity to full-blown pseudo-reality. – Todd Gitlin

He came on the scene to get famous. He said these African-American boys in Central Park were sexual assaulters. Then he said the Mexicans coming into the country were rapists and sexual assaulters. It turns out that it was the white dude who was a sexual assaulter the whole time. It was projection. – Van Jones

He can’t speak in real sentences with a beginning, a middle, and an end because he’s just too outraged about too many things too much of the time to form thoughts like that. – Olivia Nuzzi

He has an egocentric worldview. – from The Onion

He has streamlined these narratives [of racism and xenophobia] into a virulent demagoguery. – George Monbiot

He is a lizard brained, lizard skinned, beady-eyed half-wit, a racist birther frothing at the mouth, the first fully realised Madame Tussauds candidate…a modern day snake oil salesman…an illness, the carcinogiser bunny powered by hypocrisy. – Lee Camp

He is an egomaniacal grand wizard who, let’s be honest, isn’t even that grand. He’s more like a mediocre wizard who can magically turn unemployment into racism. Ta-da! – Lee Camp

He is misogynistic, lying, pathologically self-centered…impulsive, short-tempered, cruel, arrogant, bigoted, thin-skinned, manipulative, hateful, defensive, intolerant, deluded, vindictive, greedy, perverted, narcissistic, dishonest, threatening, megalomaniacal, and psychopathic…irredeemably horrible, self-obsessed. – from The Onion

He is the worst brand of simplistic infantile animalistic two-faced idiocy…every week he tries to Trump himself…he has a personality styled after Pol Pot…he is a Far Side cartoon with face burn…he has managed to make Sarah Palin seem accomplished…he has made Chris Christie seem humble and Mike Huckabee seem rational…Donald Trump, you are everything that is wrong with the US political system and nothing that is right. The only reason Trump is running number one in the polls of the Republican voters is because herpes isn’t on the list. – Lee Camp

He lies more than anybody we’ve ever seen. He just says whatever comes into his head. – Bill Maher

He looks like someone reading out of a magazine that’s had a ransom note cut out of it. This man could write lyrics for REM. – Nick Doody

He paints himself as this hero when in reality he is the biggest antagonist in the entire line up of presidential candidates. – Marwa Balker

He sees the entire universe in terms of how it affects him. He simply doesn’t have the temperament to be president of the United States. He figured out what the country had been mad about; he was the wrong messenger for the right message. – Rich Galen

He steps to the lectern and does his Mussolini routine, which he’s perfected over the past months. It’s a nodding wave, a grin, a half-sneer, and a little U.S. Open-style applause back in the direction of the audience, his face the whole time a mask of pure self-satisfaction. – Matt Taibbi

He was built in a fully automated factory whose android engineers had studied no human being except a bilious infant in a cot. – Clive James

He was unable to stop being a reality star. Trump from the start had been playing a part, but his acting got worse and worse as time went on, until finally he couldn’t keep track. – Matt Taibbi

He’s just a fool, incredibly shallow and a liar. He’s not even that successful, not even that rich. There’s nothing predictable about him. When you have the outsized power of the president, that unpredictability is unacceptable. – P J O’Rourke

He’s just an opportunist. Now he’s a fascist; a xenophobic fascist. – George Clooney

He’s like King Kong, in that they both broke free of their shackles and they like grabbing white women without asking. – Trevor Noah, referring to the Trump Tweet saying “the shackles have been taken off me”

He’s the man in the mirror…the distillation of all that we have been induced to desire and admire…so repulsive not because he offends our civilisation’s most basic values, but because he embodies them…He is our system, stripped of its pretences. – George Monbiot

He’s unspeakable, and yet he will continue to speak. Really an astounding character. – Hugh Laurie

Heil Trumpler. – from a t-shirt

He’s an SNL character. – Bill Maher

He’s like an insult comic made by the Jim Henson studios. – John Mulaney

His attitude towards women is very much his attitude to the rest of humanity…He is a dickhead. – Paul Merton

His biggest enemies are knowledge, integrity, and basic human decency. – Samantha Bee

His campaign is the political equivalent of a bigoted clowns blazing funeral pyre. – John Oliver

His candidacy has been defined by a loose grasp of facts, jingoistic posturing, populist rhetoric, his amazing hair and his treatment of women. – Graham Readfearn

His hands are too small to actually justify the term groping. – Rich Hall

His mind is free and nimble. It’s not saying much, but it’s nimble. – Keegan-Michael Key

His narcissist’s rage admits no dignity. – Armando Iannucci

His own best parody. – from theslot.jezebel.com

His own Deep Throat…Creep Throat. – Seth Meyers

His reptilian brain is on overdrive…he thinks with his penis…his consciousness is stuck in his genitals. – Deepak Chopra

His volcanic temper and thin skin instead suggest that underneath his brash, orange exterior he is riven with self-doubt and crippled with anxiety. – Collette Browne

Hitler without the warmth. – Gilbert Gottfried

Human syphilis. – from Funny Or Die

Humpty Trumpty. – Anon

I don’t want to say Donald Trump lies all the time, but he lies all the time. – Jessie Jolles

I have a degree in psychology, and I understand that underneath the bullying tactics, there’s usually a lot of emptiness, and a strong need to feed the ego. – Sheena Monnin

I mean, he is so blatantly stupid. He’s a punk. He’s a dog. He’s a pig. He’s a con. A bullshit artist. A mutt who doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Doesn’t do his homework. Doesn’t care. Thinks he’s gaming society. Doesn’t pay his taxes. He’s an idiot. Colin Powell said it best. He’s a national disaster. He’s an embarrassment to this country. It makes me so angry that this country has gotten to this point that this fool, this bozo, has wound up where he has. He talks how he wants to punch people in the face. Well, I’d like to punch him in the face. This is somebody that we want for president? I don’t think so. What I care about is the direction of this country, and what I’m very, very worried about is that it might go in the wrong direction with someone like Donald Trump. If you care about your future, vote for it. – Robert De Niro

I wouldn’t want Trump as a president, but I’d love him as a pet. – Russell Brand

I, the best ever Donald Trump…– Alec Baldwin’s Trump, referring to himself on Saturday Night Live

I’m just horrified by Donald Trump…he’s really dangerous…he’s like proto-fascist, almost. – Frankie Boyle

If a heart attack was a person, it would look like Donald Trump. – Angela Barnes

If Donald Trump is president of the United States, it will be the end of the world. – Jennifer Lawrence

If he becomes president he will spend every day going “Where’s my sceptre? I haven’t gotten my sceptre yet. I was promised a sceptre. It should be gold. The throne, it looks like a regular chair. Where’s my real throne?” – Keegan-Michael Key

If we don’t work to prevent this, it’s four years of The Apprentice. – from Funny Or Die

If you listen to Trump long enough — and you think what he is saying makes sense — you will soon suffer from a crippled brain that has come to accept faulty logic as common sense. – Sophia A McClennen

In a way that feels unprecedented in modern politics, Trump has burrowed deep into our psyches, stimulating anxiety that isn’t confined to the borders of the US, or to those who are the direct targets of his bigotry…anxiety that will remain even if he loses. – Oliver Burkeman

In my lifetime, there has never been a presidential candidate more unfit to lead this nation. – George R R Martin

In terms of our liberal democracy and constitutional order, Trump is an extinction-level event. – Andrew Sullivan

In Trump’s case, the facade is easy to see through, and what you see is a bundle of anxiety, fragility and insecurity. It’s the thinnest possible mask of masculinity. And it wouldn’t fool anybody from the Greatest Generation. It’s such a thin costume that for me it doesn’t hold for a moment. But there have been quite a few people he has attracted along the way, so I suppose the bluster works to a certain degree. He’s really quite an embarrassment if you’re from the USA. It’s simply the most rigid and thinnest veil of masculinity over a mess. – Bruce Springsteen

It spirals on, this massively entertaining, hugely terrifying collision between worlds, the real one and the parallel universe of Trump’s creation, masquerading as a presidential election. – Matthew Norman

It’s actually hard to find a clip of Trump’s campaign that doesn’t look like a RoboCop insert. – Frankie Boyle

It’s not even that the man lies, it’s more like he rejects the very idea that the point of language is to describe reality. – Desi Lydic

Looks and talks like Beaker from the Muppets. – Trevor Noah

Looks like an amateur taxidermist’s first attempt at an orangutan…and they used the hands from a smaller monkey. – Zoe Lyons

Make America great again? I think you want to make America white again…You’re lowering the bar for our nation’s intelligence. Your only goal is to stay in the spotlight, no matter how much it fuels the fire of hate groups that you apparently know nothing about, like the KKK and neo-Nazis. You have people at your rallies who openly assault black teenage girls because, hey, that’s American! – Mac Miller

Medically incapable of accepting that he is a loser. – John Oliver

Mein Drumpf. – from The Guardian

No commitment to progress or democracy or representative government, no commitment to anything except his own out-of-control mind and the bottomless pit of his ego. – Keith Olbermann

No interest in introspection…no desire to change anything…wants to double down on xenophobia, racism and sexism and crudely reject anyone who isn’t exactly like him…romanticizes violence and keep scores against his enemies…promises to take America back to its overwhelmingly white, male-dominated past. – paraphrased from an article by Heather Digby Parton

Nuanced debate can’t stand up to a guy who’s calling women pigs and retweeting white supremacists. – Hasan Minhaj

Obama Care is killing us. China is killing us. Political correctness is killing us. Trump always frames things in the most hysterical way possible. God forbid President Trump ever has to deal with a slight dip in GDP. He’d probably tweet ‘It’s a depression. Every man for himself. Eat your neighbours.’ – Seth Meyers

Obviously fraudulent. – David Frum

Okay, how about this as a red flag? He doesn’t know anything. No? This used to be a thing, knowing things. He doesn’t know anything. He’s always saying “We gotta find out what’s going on.” WE know what’s going on, YOU have no idea what’s going on. – Bill Maher

Orange Hitler. – Bill Maher

Pathologically unable to acknowledge any flaw or fault. – John Oliver

President Pussy Grabber. – Bill Maher

President The Donald. – from The Daily Show

Regularly incites political violence and is a serial liar, rampant xenophobe, racist, misogynist and birther who has repeatedly pledged to ban all Muslims — 1.6 billion members of an entire religion — from entering the U.S. – editor’s note added to each Trump related article in the Huffington Post

Represents the kind of Big Ugly American that we take pleasure in despising. – Bruno Kavanagh

Republicans are trying to elect a sexually assaulting psychopath who is, if not a Russian agent, unwittingly working as one. And people in America are saying “Well it’s better than Hillary!” No it’s fucking not! We have to get a grip on reality! Reality! Remember reality?!…This is what Lenin used to call ‘a useful idiot’ and that’s what Trump is to the Russians, a useful idiot. – Bill Maher

Routinely projects the fear and hatred inside of him onto others. – from The Onion

So noxious, so unhinged, so extremist in his rejection of democratic norms and political convention and basic manners that he has untethered the New Right politics he embodies from the descendants of William F Buckley Jr. – Matthew Continetti

Someone who embodies the very ideas of toxic masculinity and male entitlement. – Seth Meyers

Struts up and down the stage like Mick Jagger in a business suit. – Ed Pilkington

Sun burned tumble weed. – Trevor Noah

Supremely content with himself and what he has achieved…has a beaming his child-like enthusiasm for his own brand. – Bruno Kavanagh

Tangerine Mussolini. – Molly Crabapple

That speech tonight, he sounded like some two-bit dictator of some country that you couldn’t find on a map…he sounded like a dictator of a small country rather than a man who is running for the highest office of the strongest democracy on the face of this earth. – Elizabeth Warren, referring to Trump’s acceptance speech

The American Hitler. – Matt Taibbi

The angry Republican id. – Gary Legum

The Apprentice Führer. – Ben Judah

The character Biff in the movie Back To The Future II is based on Donald Trump. This is real. In 1989 Robert Zemeckis wrote the character Biff based on Donald Trump. Watch the movie. Orange skin. Casino. He’s trying to kill Michael J Fox. This is real. And if that is true then we’re in the wrong alternate timeline right now, you guys…where is the Sports Almanac? No wonder this guy has gotten so far. – Hasan Minhaj

The class clown that everyone wishes would be quiet and let the class learn. – from theslot.jezebel.com

The demolition derby known as “Donald Trump”…a co-production between nihilistic capitalism and unscrupulous entertainment. – Todd Gitlin

The fetishisation of wealth, power and image in a nation where extrinsic values are championed throughout public discourse. – George Monbiot

The Great Grabsy. – from The Guardian

The Great Gropesby…Who would have thought? The guy who says he forces himself on women, ACTUALLY forces himself on women. I guess he really does tell it like it is. – Trevor Noah

The Great White Grope. – Bill Maher

The Gropes of Wrath. – from The Guardian

The grown-up version of every pain-in-the-ass kid who ever sat behind you on a plane kicking the back of your seat while the parents did nothing. – Bill Maher

The guy is a complete moron. – Trevor Noah

The guy is Hitler. And by that I mean that we are being Germany in the 30s. Do you think they saw the shit coming? Hitler was just some hilarious and refreshing dude with a weird comb over who would say anything at all…He’s an insane bigot. He is dangerous…If you are a true conservative, don’t vote for Trump. He is not one of you. He is one of him. Everything you have heard him say that you liked, if you look hard enough you will see that he one day said the exact opposite. He is playing you. – Louis C K

The human embodiment of every backwards, condescending, Mad Men-esque Boys Club attitude that has ever existed, rolled into one giant salivating dick-size-referencing, pussy-grabbing warthog in a red power tie. – John Oliver

The imploding star that is Donald Trump, the owner of what you might describe as ‘resting rich face.’. – John Oliver

The living embodiment of America’s unresolved issues. – Frankie Boyle

The Lord of the Rigs. – from The Daily Show

The man is a pig, has always been a pig and is doomed to be a pig in perpetuity. – Collette Browne

The man who cried rigged. – Jonathan Freedland

The modern incarnation of Narcissus, a terrible-to-behold mirror image of America’s worst public face. – Thomas Singer

The most dangerous individual ever nominated by a major party for the highest office in this country. – Keith Olbermann

The most ostentatiously unqualified major-party candidate in the 227-year history of the American presidency. – from The Atlantic Monthly magazine

The mother of all pop-culture villains, a globally despised cross of Dominique Strauss-Kahn, Charlie Sheen and Satan. – Matt Taibbi

The NASCAR candidate: the press and voters seem riveted by his campaign because there’s no telling when there might be a dramatic crash. – David A Graham

The only thing Trump loves almost as much as himself is attention. – Ali Gharib

The oompa loompa of doom. – Chris Riddell

The Orange One Who Must Not Be Named. – Carla Herreria

The pervert on the bus. – Seth Meyers

The pinnacle of American stupidity. – Conor Lynch

The poster boy for volatility. – Bill Maher

The Prisoner of Assgrabin. – from The Guardian

The recipient of vast inherited wealth who markets himself as solely responsible for his good fortune. – George Monbiot

The Republican Party has actually nominated for president an irresponsible, unrealistic, naive, petulant, childish, vindictive, prejudiced, bigoted, racist, Islamophobic, anti-Semitic, misogynistic, fascistic, authoritarian, insensitive, erratic, disturbed, irrational, inhuman individual named Donald John Trump. This…is madness. – Keith Olbermann

The sculpture your three-year-old made out of soggy ground-up goldfish snacks. – from theslot.jezebel.com

The Tangerine Snatch Grabber. – Jordan Klepper

The third party candidate Americans have been waiting for. He’s an outsider to everything: decency, paying taxes, reality. He is totally his own thing. And there’s nobody like him. He’s completely unique. He’s like a snowflake. But a snowflake that somehow got peed on before it hit your tongue. – Trevor Noah

The Trump. – the way Trump referred to himself in one of his own tweets

The ultimate clown. – Eleanor Margolis

The ultimate self-actualising individual. – Adam Curtis

The Vulgar Orange Cat. – Anon

The Whining…Heeeeeere’s Donnie! – from Real Time With Bill Maher

The worst candidate ever recorded in electoral history. In any country. At any time. In any contest. Ever. And I am including Vlad the Impaler’s run. – Ian Hislop

This guy talks reckless. How can you call a lady ‘the devil’ on national TV and think that we want you to be our commander in chief. I just can’t go with that. – Jeezy

This is the first election where it’s been a candidate against a contestant. – Andrew Maxwell

This man just can’t be president. They’ve got this button, you know, in the briefcase. He’s going to find it. – P J O’Rourke

This person, and I say that loosely, you know…– Bill Maher

To say he is like a child is an insult to children. – Brian Schatz

Treats the entire world like the inside of a locker room. – Seth Meyers

Trump [in office] would make Cheney’s embrace of the dark side and untrammelled executive power look unambitious. – Andrew Sullivan

Trump and the GOP base are a closed universe of small-minded self-deception. – Heather Digby Parton

Trump commands language by sticking a short finger in its ribs and walking forwards until it walks backwards. – Clive James

Trump didn’t cause the chaos. The chaos caused Trump. What we are seeing is not a temporary spasm of chaos but a chaos syndrome. – Jonathan Rauch

Trump doesn’t really have solutions, and his supporters don’t really have problems. The only thing poor about them is their judgement. – Bill Maher

Trump doesn’t want to evaluate his mistakes…he truly is the living embodiment of the base of the Republican Party. – Heather Digby Parton

Trump has all of Hillary Clinton’s defects – but on a magnified scale, and with none of her competence. – Steven Strauss

Trump has done his best to bravely expose the way billionaires avoid paying tax by being a billionaire who avoided paying tax. – Mark Steel

Trump has no record of public service and no qualifications for public office. His affect is that of an infomercial huckster; he traffics in conspiracy theories and racist invective; he is appallingly sexist; he is erratic, secretive, and xenophobic; he expresses admiration for authoritarian rulers, and evinces authoritarian tendencies himself. He is easily goaded, a poor quality for someone seeking control of America’s nuclear arsenal. He is an enemy of fact-based discourse; he is ignorant of, and indifferent to, the Constitution; he appears not to read. – from The Atlantic Monthly magazine

Trump has put up more useless hotels than an autistic kid playing Monopoly. – Lisa Lampanelli

Trump has somehow managed to convince people that he is somehow not part of the elite and that he is not just a super privileged guy and that he somehow stands for working people when he has not done that in his life. It’s worrying to see people being conned. – Daniel Radcliffe

Trump is a dangerous, destructive choice for the country. He misinforms the electorate, degrades trust in public institutions with conspiracy theories, and promotes willful delusion over engagement with reality. If elected, he poses a unique danger to the functioning of democratic and economic institutions, and to the prosperity of the country. For these reasons, we strongly recommend that you do not vote for Donald Trump. – from an open letter signed by nearly 400 economists

Trump is a guy who knows less about the world now than Hillary did when she was 10. – Bill Maher

Trump is a joke but the punchline is a worse world for everyone. – Russell Brand

Trump is a rabid dog sent into a frothing incoherent rage by his own reflection in a mirror. He doesn’t know he’s attacking himself. – Laurie Pennywise


Trump is a racist, xenophobic, misogynistic narcissist. He’s the chosen candidate of neo-Nazis, white supremacists, and fringe conspiracy theorists–all of whom he frequently retweets! He’s a grifter and a fraud, with a long, documented history of cheating people and breaking promises. He’s a sociopath who’s immune to shame and lies pretty much every time he opens his mouth. He has the impulse control of a hyperactive seven year old, and the foreign policy sophistication to match. It would be an act of collective insanity to put him in charge of the American nuclear arsenal. It’s a foregone conclusion that he’d treat constitutional limits on presidential authority like irritating suggestions from a low-level flunky. The man is an extinction-level event for democracy, and it’s terrifying that this election is even remotely close. – Tom Tomorrow

Trump is a Sacha Baron Cohen character, and a very unbelievable one. The only person who would ban Muslims is someone with a brain like a female chicken. He is clearly a parody of a rich American racist. He do not even look real. Cohens have spent all the money on orange paint for face and leave no money for wig. Now I know what happen to Pamela Anderson pubis. – Borat, a Sacha Baron Cohen character

Trump is an amazing professional wrestler. – Hasan Minhaj

Trump is an insult to America’s intelligence. – Lenard McKelvey, aka Charlamagne Tha God

Trump is as mercurial and as unpredictable and as emotional as the daily Twitter stream. And we are contemplating giving him access to the nuclear codes. – Andrew Sullivan

Trump is in many ways just saying what the other candidates would say on cocaine. – Frankie Boyle

Trump is many things, some of them dark and dangerous, but at his core, he is a bull shit artist…Trump has piled such vast quantities of his trademark product into the political arena that the stench is now overwhelming and unbearable. – Fareed Zakaria

Trump is not only a flawed politician, he’s an indecent human being. – Thomas L Friedman

Trump is rich and of course if you’re rich anything you say is brilliant! – Bill Maher

Trump is running his campaign like his businesses — with a no holds bar determination that has only one goal in mind: the winning of Donald Trump. In politics, he doesn’t have to be bound by the legal or ethical standards that most organizations utilize when dealing with people. He has taken his own advice to extremist levels — of garnering media attention by being outrageous and shocking. Everyone thought it was funny at first and now, it is anything but. Somewhere down the line, he forgot (or never knew) that serving in public office means you are a servant to the people. He speaks in classic narcissistic language, bragging about the magazine covers he is on and how his ratings are soaring. It’s a Me! Me! Me! show with Trump as the agitator, generator and facilitator of attention-harvesting, and seemingly getting high from the incessant buzz on social media. He’s basking in it. Many are arguing that the attention by the major news outlets has not been fair, providing Trump with a center ring platform of a three ring circus. He seems more concerned about Trump than any American citizen – and a portion of the U.S. population is eating it up. Some of his supporters are looking for a savior — as if that exists in politics. What sort of mindset feeds off the drum beat of a narcissist? – Yasmina Blackburn

Trump is such a narcissist, such a liar, I don’t even know that he’s conscious of every lie he tells. He’s really a sick puppy…a carnival barker. – Larry Flynt

Trump is the alcoholic abusive dad that is sleeping with everybody’s mother in the neighbourhood. The press is a weak needy mom who thinks any attention is good attention, an enabler who keeps coming back for more no matter how many times Trump has pushed her down the stairs. – Chelsea Handler

Trump is the second worst tragedy ever to hit New York City. – Seth MacFarlane

Trump is the world’s least Godly man. Jesus saw the good in whores and lepers but if he met Donald Trump he’d say “Sorry man, that’s a pre-existing condition”…Trump has nothing in common with Jesus, who was from the Middle East. Trump wouldn’t even let him in the country. Jesus healed the blind Trump mocks the handicapped. Jesus turned the other cheek. Trump grabs your pussy. Jesus turned water into wine. Trump just whines. The Bible says thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife. Trump says fine what about my daughter? He’s the devil. What part of ‘pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name’ don’t you understand? – Bill Maher

Trump kept on walking forwards, like the robot Gort in The Day the Earth Stood Still. – Clive James

Trump lives the jokes we are trying to create. – Trevor Noah

Trump looks like the cover of a children’s book called My First Heart Attack. – Nick Doody

Trump looks like the rich dad in every episode of Law And Order where the frat kid accidentally strangles a hooker. – Larry Wilmore

Trump may have a point about the election being rigged. He was given a multi-million dollar loan from his dad. He made millions off his casinos despite bankrupting them. He hasn’t paid taxes in up to twenty years. I mean, when is this guy going to catch a break? – James Corden

Trump picked exactly the wrong time to launch his mirror-gazing rampage to nowhere. – Matt Taibbi

Trump probably has a picture of himself standing proudly next to the body of civic discourse. – Lee Camp

Trump seems no longer bothered about the election, whether he wins or loses. He no longer cares about his perceived humiliation at the hands of CNN. Perhaps all he cares about is the adoration he is feeling right here, right now, in the Trumpworld bubble, surrounded by his adoring devotees. – Ed Pilkington

Trump seems to be treating the election as a reality TV show, and he is the ultimate villain…he is playing the role perfectly…Trump has successfully crowned himself king of the villains. – Seb Reilly

Trump seems to have the emotional range of a Power Rangers villain and the social skills of a teenage Minotaur. He looks like a pumpkin having a nervous breakdown, talks like the words are being fired out of his mouth by a tennis ball launcher and has the general manner of an arrogant televangelist suspected of murder by Columbo. His approach to public speaking? “If in doubt, switch to your internal monologue.” His core demographic? Possibly men whose holiday destinations would significantly overlap with a list of missing women. Trump is bringing out people who’ve never voted, people who felt they had no one to speak for them until now, people who throw microwaved beans at the television and people who go shopping in their pyjamas. And who knows, if Trump’s supporters are using their eight-fingered fists to make banners and red hats rather than drunkenly beating their kid into a coma that they won’t let a black doctor treat, maybe that’s a good thing. Trump knows that he appeals to people who are suspicious not just of political elites but everything those elites believe in, including rationality, and when confronted with anything empirical instinctively retreats into unverifiable anecdotes. – Frankie Boyle

Trump thinks all women are puppets, that’s why he’s always trying to stick his hand up them. – Trevor Noah

Trump wears deception as a foreskin. – from The Guardian

Trump’s charity was basically a slush fund which benefited only one orphan: Donald Trump. – Bill Maher

Trump’s entire campaign is just one more late-night Trump infomercial. Hand over your money, your jobs, your children’s future, and The Great Trump Hot Air Machine will reveal all the answers. And, for one low, low price, he’ll even throw in a goofy hat. – Elizabeth Warren

Trump’s narcissism, insecurities and viciousness are intrinsic components of who he is, and they’ve already damaged the world’s wellbeing. – Oliver Burkeman

Trump’s presidential campaign has shifted from amusing diversion to cold political reality, the narrative favored by America’s political and media elite has been one of chickens coming home to roost. – Michael Bourne

Trump’s psychological make-up is — no surprise here — stunningly weird…he has absolutely no self-awareness. – Heather Digby Parton

Try as I might, I cannot make my brain work like a Trump voter. Maybe it’s my mother not drinking when she was pregnant. I just don’t get how Trump has been able to convince so many people. – Bill Maher

Ultimately, Trump represents the most perilous qualities one can imagine in a potential leader: sloth, grandiosity, ignorance, and a towering arrogance that allows him to indulge in childish cruelties. Trump will not learn on the job, or grow into it. He will remain a blustering adolescent, incapable of moral reasoning, of discerning between his feelings and the facts. – Steve Almond

We’re about to enter a dark period in the history of the American experiment. The Founding Fathers never imagined an electorate raised on Toddlers and Tiaras and Temptation Island. Remember, just a few decades ago, shows like Married With Children and Roseanne were satirical parodies. Now the audience can’t even handle that much irony. A lot of American culture is just dumb slobs cheering on other dumb slobs. It was inevitable, once we broke the seal with Bush, that our politics would become the same thing. Madison and Jefferson never foresaw this situation. They knew there was danger of demagoguery, but they never imagined presidential candidates exchanging “mine’s bigger than yours” jokes or doing “let’s laugh at the disabled” routines. There’s no map in the Constitution to tell us how to get out of where we’re going. All we can do now is hold on. – Matt Taibbi

What is happening? Is the whole world insane? Donald Trump has single handedly ruined so much of what we as Americans hold dear. Kindness, decency, Tic-Tacs, Skittles, taco bowls, father-daughter dances, buses, bright red hats, the word “great,” the colour orange. Men. But, look, if you want to elect him president on Tuesday, okay. go ahead. But then in four years once you all realize you have been tricked you’re going to come running back to me, begging me to run again and guess what, idiots? I’ll do it. – Hillary Clinton, as portrayed by Kate McKinnon on Saturday Night Live

When are you going to realise it wasn’t a good idea to put your name on every shitty product you’ve ever been a part of?…If you ever robbed a bank your getaway car would be a van with the words ‘Trump Robberies’ on the side. – Seth Meyers

When he speaks, it sounds like he’s a WWF wrestler plugging his next big match. – Ron Howard

With Trump, please don’t play the Hitler card, he’s more like Evita. – P J O’Rourke

You can actually make your own Trump policies by going through the incinerator at the Daily Mail and picking through the dust for anything they thought might get them prosecuted. His position on climate change is “How can there be global warming when it’s still so cold in my soul?” – Frankie Boyle

You have the most qualified woman in the history of the world versus the least qualified human being to do anything at all. – Van Jones

You know what I love? A famous guy that will just take me furniture shopping and just straight up grab my p***y. – Amy Schumer

You know, this is a really sad night. I’m just going to say it. This is a very sad night for the country. You can’t polish this turd. – Van Jones, reacting to Trump in the third debate saying he may not respect the election result

You would never accept Donald Trump as a work of original fiction…it would be panned as way too implausible. I have no idea where political satire goes after this. – Charlie Brooker

The Best Quote From TrumpLand

Michael Moore is an Academy Award winning author and documentary film maker. I highly recommend any and all of his documentaries, books, articles, and interviews.

In case you are not familiar with Moore and his work, just to give you a quick taste of what he is all about, shortly after Trump announced his ban on all things Muslim Moore wrote a brilliant response called We Are All Muslim, and he also stood outside Trump Tower holding up the following sign:


His latest documentary is Michael Moore In TrumpLand, a very emotional and often hilarious one man performance by Moore himself in front of die hard Trump supporters, where he makes the case for them to vote for Hillary. If you can spare an hour and ten minutes then this is well worth watching as it shows American politics, especially the recent election, in ways you may not know about.

Below is my favourite quote from the whole show, in which Moore explains better than anyone possibly can as to why tens of millions will vote for Trump, and ultimately why Trump will then win the election. As expected certain Trump fans have taken part of the quote to further their own cause, even to the point where many on the right say Moore is now an avid Trump supporter.

However, when you consider the quote below in full it is clear that that is perhaps not the case. Anyways, as always, enjoy!


Whether Trump means it or not, is kind of irrelevant because he’s saying the things to people who are hurting, and that’s why every beaten-down, nameless, forgotten working stiff who used to be part of what was called the middle class loves Trump. He is the human Molotov cocktail that they’ve been waiting for; the human hand grenade that they can legally throw into the system that stole their lives from them. And on November 8, election day, although they lost their jobs, although they’ve been foreclosed on by the bank, next came the divorce and now the wife and kids are gone, the car’s been repoed, they haven’t had a real vacation in years, they’re stuck with the shitty Obamacare bronze plan where you can’t even get a fucking Percocet. They’ve essentially lost everything they had except one thing – the one thing that doesn’t cost them a cent and is guaranteed to them by the American constitution: the right to vote.

They might be penniless, they might be homeless, they might be fucked over and fucked up, it doesn’t matter, because it’s equalized on that day. A millionaire has the same number of votes as the person without a job. One. And there’s more of the former middle class than there are in the millionaire class. So on November 8 the dispossessed will walk into the voting booth, be handed a ballot, close the curtain, and take that lever or felt pen or touchscreen, and put a big fucking X in the box by the name of the man who has threatened to upend and overturn the very system that has ruined their lives: Donald J Trump.

They see that the elites who ruined their lives hate Trump. Corporate America hates Trump. Wall Street hates Trump. The career politicians hate Trump. The media hates Trump, after they loved him and created him, and now hate him. Thank you media. The enemy of my enemy is who I’m voting for on November 8.

Yes, on November 8, you Joe Blow, Steve Blow, Bob Blow, Billy Blow, Billy Bob Blow, all the Blows get to go and blow up the whole goddamn system because it’s your right. Trump’s election is going to be the biggest ‘fuck you’ ever recorded in human history and it will feel good.

For a day. Maybe a week. Possibly a month. And then, like the Brits who wanted to send a message, so they voted to leave Europe only to find out that if you vote to leave Europe you actually have to leave Europe.

And now they regret it. All the Ohioans, Pennsylvanians, Michiganders and Wisconsinites of Middle England, right, they all voted to leave and now they regret it.

And over 4 million of them have signed a petition to have a do-over, they want another election. It ain’t gonna happen because you used the ballot as an anger management tool. And now you’re fucked. And the rest of Europe, the rest of Europe, they’re like, “Bye Felicia!”

So when the rightfully angry people of Ohio and Michigan and Pennsylvania and Wisconsin, find out after a few months in office that President Trump wasn’t going to do a damn thing for them, it will be too late to do anything about it.

But I get it. You wanted to send a message. You had righteous anger. And justifiable anger. Well, message sent.

Goodnight America. You’ve just elected the last president of the United States.

 – Michael Moore, from his one man show Michael Moore In TrumpLand