14 Funny-ish Quotes

80% of Americans think Ramadan is those noodles college kids eat. – Bill Maher

A happy house is one in which each spouse grants the possibility that the other may be right, though neither believes it. – Don Fraser

A Muslim husband goes to his local mosque to speak to his Imam. He says “Sometimes at night my eyes open and I see my wife, she has her back to me, and I can see that her face is shining, I can see noor coming from under her blanket.” The Imam replies “Trust me, that’s not noor, she’s just checking your mobile.” – Anon

A student went to see his meditation teacher and said, “My situation is horrible! I feel so distracted most of the time, or my legs ache, or I’m repeatedly falling asleep. It’s terrible.” Said the teacher matter-of-factly, “It will pass.” A week later, the student returned to his teacher. “My meditation is wonderful! I feel so ecstatically joyous and alive!” The teacher told him, “It will pass.” – Anon

Anyone who enjoys their Star Wars Stormtrooper single duvet set is unlikely ever to need a Stormtrooper double duvet set. – David Mitchell

God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts. – Anon

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car. – Anon

Gossip is Shaytan’s radio. Don’t be his DJ. – Mozlamic

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in. – Richard Jeni

I don’t know why my elderly neighbour bothers subscribing to newspapers if he’s just going to let them pile up outside his house. – Glenn Moore

I don’t understand the coppers, do you know what I mean? I think they just make the rules up as they is going along. I mean this one time I beat up this white geezer and they done me for actual bodily harm. Another time I beat up this black geezer and they done me for impersonating a police officer. – Lee Nelson

I grew up in South London where I never had the best sex education. Where I grew up you got sex tips like, “Well, you know what, yeah. If you drink Coke and she drinks Pepsi, she can’t get pregnant, so…” That’s not helpful. Not helpful. – Dane Baptiste

I hold my wife’s hand when we go out. She thinks I’m being romantic but really it’s to stop her running off to do shopping. – Mozlamic

I heard a joke once. Man goes to doctor. Says he’s depressed. Life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says “Treatment is simple, the great clown Pagliacci is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up.” Man bursts into tears. “But doctor,” he says, “I am Pagliacci.” Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains. – from the movie Watchmen (2009)

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