13 STAND-UP COMEDIANS ON THE DEMISE OF OSAMA

Shortly after Osama Bin Laden was killed in the dead of night by a US Navy SEAL team in Abbattobad, Pakistan, I made a joke at work that fell on deaf ears and worried faces. Thinking myself rather funny I said, quite openly in the office, “I can’t believe they killed my uncle…only kidding, he was my dad…” Queue nervous laughter from all those listening in.

Admittedly this was not as funny as the following tweet from Dana Arikane:

They should have captured Bin Laden alive and made him continually go through airport security for the rest of his life. – Dana Arikane

Good one, Dana. It’s now been over 5 years since the death of Bin Laden and, in order to understand more about this incident, I’ve started reading the book ‘Manhunt: From 9/11 To Abbottabad – The Ten-Year Search For Osama Bin Laden’ by the brilliant investigative journalist Peter Bergen. I thought the book would be a good way to make sure I don’t make the same mistakes Bin Laden did when he got caught (queue more nervous laughter). This book is a very serious and detailed look at the search for and death of the former world’s most wanted man.

This blog post, however, is not as serious. It is instead a look at what various stand-up comedians have said about his demise. While some may say this is in bad taste, it should be noted that many of the views expressed are rather interesting and informative, differing from the official narrative, which is what really good stand-up does (it changes your perspective by making you think as well as laugh).

So below I have gathered a collection of various clips, pics, and one article, from different stand-ups presenting their unique take on the death of a man who once had a price tag of $50 million on his head. I have provided transcripts which are presented further below so as not to disrupt the humorous flow of proceedings. Anyways, on with the satire…

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Omid Djalili reminiscing…


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Paul Chowdhry on conspiracy theories…


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Daniel Tosh on the positive contributions of Obama…


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Dylan Moran on Americans not being mature…

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Dylan Moran again, this time getting a little mixed up…

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Russell Howard anagrams Osama’s name…


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Lewis Black on Osama’s final dastardly plot…


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Frank Skinner sings a cheeky song…


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Stewart Lee on American reactions to the death of Osama…


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Stewart Lee again, this time on the ‘extraordinary circumstances’ of Osama’s sea burial…


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Aamer Rahman on the Mafia-style burial of Osama…


Maz Jobrani on Osama Bin Lamp…


Bill Maher on Christian contradictions regarding the death of Osama…


Doug Stanhope on Osama Bin Bigfoot…


Richard Herring on Osama and consumerism…

Did Cola seal Osama’s fate?

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…On our last day [in Warsaw, Indiana] we visited an amazing candy and soda shop with shelf after shelf of chocolate bars, sweets and fizzy pop. Amongst the Hershy’s Bars and Babe Ruths I found something amazing: a single bottle of undescribed, brown drink, featuring a cartoon of a wide-eyed Osama Bin Laden, which was called “Seal Ya Later”.

It was good to see an historical event celebrated through the medium of a fizzy syrupy beverage. They should have politically-incorrect colas for all assassinations and atrocities.

Even better, there was a joke on the bottle:

“Knock Knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“America!”

I am not sure whether that exchange is a verbatim account of what happened that fateful night, but I hope so. I like to think the Navy Seals turned up with the joke all planned out. It did rely on OBL saying “Who’s there?” but who could really resist that?

The problem with the Seals’ joke, though, is that Osama Bin Laden might not say “Who’s there?” and then they are just left downstairs knocking again and again, whilst he makes good his escape. Navy Seals are like vampires. They can only come in if invited. You have to respond to their knock knock joke or they’re screwed.

More importantly, what if Bin Laden did say “Who’s there?” Then they deliver their brilliant (if pre-planned) gag, “America”. Surely then Osama Bin Laden would say, “America who?”

And the Seals are not prepared. They thought “America” would get a big enough laugh. But the Al Qaeda front man has called their bluff. Now they must think up a topper on the spot. It looks like it should be easy, but not in the heat of the moment. “A merry car is fun to drive”? Tumbleweed. Not funny enough for this historical moment. “A mere Icarus”?

I think Osama Bin Laden would counter, “There’s nothing mere about Icarus. He could fly. And anyway it’s still scarcely a joke. Come back when you have a proper punch line.”

I am going to perpetuate the rumour that “Seal Ya Later” is the only soft drink available in the US and that it is compulsory to drink it at all times and anyone who doesn’t drink it is locked up in Guantanamo Bay for being un-American. It’s not true. But I think we’ve all had enough of facts.

 – Richard Herring, metro.co.uk, 14 Sep 2016


But is he really dead…?


TRANSCRIPTS…

Omid Djalili reminiscing…

Last year was the year they killed Osama Bin Laden. We all remember where we were when Bin Laden was killed. I remember where I was. I was in a compound in Abbottabad, pretending to be a woman. We spent ten years looking for Bin Laden. We scoured 27 countries, looking for Bin Laden. We spent 2 billion dollars, looking for Bin Laden. Where do we find him? In his house! – Omid Djalili

Paul Chowdhry on conspiracy theories…

People believe in all that now, the Illuminati. People think the government are controlled by other forces. “Illuminati, innit blood!”

[Talking to an audience member] Do you believe in that, man? Do you believe in, like, 911 conspiracies? I got mates like you. My mate goes “King Kong did that, innit. Where was King Kong during 911, blood?”

He goes “Blood, yeah, don’t phone me on my mobile, innit. Call me on my land line.”

How come?

“CIA, innit.”

You live in England, you idiot.

“You don’t know, innit. CIA, MFI, M&S…Illuminati, blood, yeah!”

He goes “Yeah blood, Bin Laden, yeah, he’s not even dead, innit.”

What are you talking about?

He goes “If he had died he would have got a Muslim burial.”

No he wouldn’t. Bin laden didn’t even deserve to get thrown into the sea. We should have just chucked him into a wheelie bin, like we did with that cat last year. And then we could have called him Osama Wheelie Bin Laden.

He goes “Blood, it’s the illuminati, yeah.”

I mean, what’s the illuminati anyway?

“People that glow in the dark, innit.”

 – Paul Chowdhry

Daniel Tosh on the positive contributions of Obama…

By the way, has enough time passed in this country that we can openly and honestly talk about the great things Osama Bin Laden did for us? And don’t act like he didn’t do anything good. How about the fact that we immediately know September is nine? That’s not nothing…Do you remember what we used to do?

[Counting with his fingers] “January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August…nine! Honey, it’s nine!”

I use it for August. 911 minus one…eight!

How about the fact that every time you take your wife or your girlfriend to the airport, you no longer have to walk her all the way to the gate? Yeah, maybe next time you do a drop-off, you give him a quick, [Looks up] “Thanks, Osama. Hope you’re enjoying that good young tight stuff they hand out up there.”

Some of you are too young to remember pre-911 airport drop-offs, but they were the worst. Your girlfriend’s like, “Can you give me a ride to the airport?”

And you’re like, “Yeah, I’d love to. Because there’s never been a service invented that would take you to the airport. What time’s your flight?”

“4.15a.m.”

“Perfect! No, I was gonna get up at 2 anyway, so that works out. No, you know me, 2 o’clock rolls around and my body’s like ‘Start your day, it’s 2!'”

Then you’re driving to the airport, she’s like, “You gonna come inside?”

“Yeah! Why wouldn’t I? Parking there’s so convenient. Besides, I like to start every day with a two-mile stress-filled sprint walk. Oh, your flight’s delayed an hour and a half? Perfect, I’ll get a Cinnabon, get diabetes before you take off.”

Do you remember? Some guys wouldn’t even leave after they boarded. They would just stand at a window waving at a machine backing up because they were so happy to finally be alone. Now what do you get to do thanks to Osama? Barely slow down and kick them to the curb. Yeah, I don’t know about you, but I say that’s worth a tower. [Audience groans] Not two! Not two! Not two. Whoa. That was close. No, no, no, rightfully so.

“I [Bleep] thought he meant both of them. He didn’t. He only meant one. He cleared it up.”

“Which one?”

“Does it matter?”

“To my uncle.”

[Audience groans] There you go, now everyone’s offended.

 – Daniel Tosh

Dylan Moran on Americans not being mature…

I’ve never really understood when…America’s reaction to Osama Bin Laden’s assassination was not very politically mature, I thought, because they sort of, what they really as a country did, was go [rapping mockingly and childishly] “Oh yeah, he dead. Look at him with bullets in his head. He’s so dead. He’s dead forever”. And that suggested a people who hadn’t really considered the idea of being bombed again. – Dylan Moran

Dylan Moran again, this time getting a little mixed up…

Erm…So…I don’t know. I don’t. There’s too much…Isn’t there?…And not enough at the same time. And it just carries on. I can’t…I can’t cope any more with…er…days. There’s too many days. Days are a stupid length, you know. They’re just long enough to get regret and then you have to go to sleep. It’s that feeling of “Ah, I should have…” and then you go “Argh” [goes to sleep].

There’s too much of everything. There’s too much world. There’s too many people. There’s too much news. There’s far too much news, and it all happens too close together. How are you expected to keep up? With what the changes…I wanted to talk about what’s going on but I’ve said enough…fuck it…just settle it. It won’t. It keeps becoming something else. And you know, even when the…I mean, you must find it hard to keep up with what’s going on. There was the…because it is too close together.

There was the royal wedding, for instance, which is kind of silly news, you know, celebrity news. And then a couple of days later, Osama Bin Laden got killed. This is too close together. In real time, it’s hard enough to keep track. Imagine what it’s going to be like in 30 years’ time when you have lost your mind completely. The name Osama Bin Laden will come up and you’ll go “Yes…he was…he was a very wicked man…he was…but he did look stunning in that dress…of course, his brother was the one everybody was talking about, you know. What an arse”. So, it’s an incredible period of change.

 – Dylan Moran

Russell Howard anagrams Osama’s name…

The other major international news was this.

NEWS READER: Fox News is just reporting that Bin Laden, Osama Bin Laden, is dead.

Did you see how the papers covered it? The Times went with “Justice is done.” The Express had “Coward to the end.”

And what did The Sun go with? “Bin Bagged!” [Laughter and applause]

The American reaction to Bin Laden’s death was fairly muted.

VARIOUS AMERICANS: You kill innocent American people, you’re going to pay the price…USA! USA! USA!…Osama Bin Laden is dead. Happy days!

[Laughter] Did you see how they got rid of Bin Laden’s body?

NEWS READER: We can now confirm that about an hour and a half ago, John, Osama Bin Laden was buried at sea.

I love that description. “Buried.” I think the verb they’re searching for is “flung!” “We found you, now you find Nemo!” [Laughter] The bizarrest thing about this story, do you know the anagram you can make out of Osama Bin Laden? Look at this. Osama Bin Laden…Lob Da Man In Sea! How weird is that? [Laughter and applause]

 – Russell Howard

Lewis Black on Osama’s final dastardly plot…

TREVOR NOAH: When a new story falls through the cracks, Lewis Black catches it in a segment we call “Back in Black.” [Applause and cheering. Lewis Black continues]

Osama Bin Laden! We all know he was the scum of the earth and deserves to rot in hell. But did you also know how much he loved the written word?

VARIOUS NEWS READERS: The CIA releases new documents uncovered in the raid on Osama Bin Laden…A second release now to the public…providing some interesting insights into the terrorist’s mind…And they shed new light on what he was thinking, reading and writing in his final days.

That’s right. Bin Laden was reading and thinking. While we were spending all that money trying to find him, he was trying to find himself. When SEAL Team Six kicked in the door, he was nestled next to the fire with a glass of wine and a copy of Eat, Pray, Love. Yes, it turns out the guy trying to blow up the world had his own concerns about what would happen once he was gone.

NEWS READER: You see an Osama Bin Laden who was obsessed, you might say, with his own death. He had a last will and testament in there.

That’s right. Bin Laden had a last will and testament. The first line read, “Stop sharing!…And to my loved ones, I leave you this.”

NEWS READER: He says he has $29 million stashed in the African country of Sudan. Let me quote from this: ‘I hope for my brothers, sisters, and maternal aunts, to obey my will, and to spend all the money that I have left in Sudan on jihad for the sake of Allah.’

Sorry, Bin Laden, you may have been a feared terrorist, but no grandkid spends their inheritance money how you want them to. They’ll just buy one of those flammable hoverboards and a bunch of bitcoin. Although I do respect a man who asks his grandkids to kill themselves, I don’t know you could do that in a will. I need to call my lawyer. “Listen, schmuck, have the following people kill themselves, starting with you!”

But don’t be surprised that Osama was tough on his family. Last year we found out how he treated potential employees.

NEWS READER: One of the more stunning documents, a job application for those seeking to join Al Qaeda, asking about hobbies, special skills, and instructions to write legibly.

You’re telling me you get a guy who’s willing to blow himself up but you’re gonna turn him down because you can’t read his handwriting?! That’s like turning an organ donor down because he chews with his mouth open.

NEWS READER: And then this…[reading from the application form] ‘Do you wish to execute a suicide operation?…Who should we contact in case you become a martyr?’

Emergency martyr contact?! That’s the stupidest [bleep] thing I’ve ever heard of! Does every job involve bureaucratic nonsense? The one perk of being a suicide bomber should be no paperwork! You just say, “Yes, I’m all in!”

But there’s a lot about Bin Laden in these new documents that you wouldn’t expect.

VARIOUS NEWS READERS: Osama Bin Laden was an environmentalist. In letters discovered in his compound in Pakistan, Bin Laden worried about the dangers of quote “catastrophic climate change”…President Obama had an unlikely ally in the fight to slow climate change, Osama Bin Laden…Who knew that President Obama had such an infamous ally?…He jumped on that bandwagon, didn’t he? [Laughs] Yes, he did…So to speak.

Oh, of course. Obama and Bin Laden were friends. That’s why Obama hunted him down, shot him in the face, then threw his corpse into the ocean. You know, friend stuff. Listen…listen, you numbnuts, just because Obama and Bin Laden both wanted to stop climate change, that doesn’t make them buddies. Guess what. I’m a [bleep] painter. But that doesn’t make me friends with Hitler!

You know, this whole climate change issue makes one thing very clear, Bin Laden wasn’t just any old douche bag terrorist. He was a douche bag terrorist mastermind. He knew if he stood up for fixing climate change, then Americans would be anti-climate change, and then climate change would destroy America. It’s his final plot against us! Nice try, Bin Laden. You think we’re that stupid? So listen to me, climate change deniers, either get on board with fixing this, or the terrorists win!

 – Lewis Black

Frank Skinner sings a cheeky song…

What happened to that nasty man so pally with the Taliban?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, Osama Bin Laden

[Speaking to the audience] I believe you promised to buy this

He had one big hit, then he went away, like a terrorism Macy Gray

Oh, oh, oh, oh, Osama Bin Laden

He occasionally sends out a video tape

To say he’s doing great and he’s full of hate

Well if he’s doing so great then please tell me, why a video tape, not a DVD

Oh, oh, oh, oh, Osama Bin Laden

You might think that he’s wicked and depraved

But think of him stuck in that f***ing cave

He takes girls back there now and then, but the clerics just throw stones at them

Oh, oh, oh, oh, Osama Bin Laden

All music’s banned by the Taliban, so he always misses the ice cream van

Oh, oh, oh, oh, Osama Bin Laden

Taliban TV ain’t got a lot of laughs in

Their biggest show is called “Strictly No Dancing”

No one comes to his parties anymore, It’s like being Michael Barrymore

Oh, oh, oh, oh, Osama Bin Laden

Oh, oh, oh, oh, Osama Bin Laden

Thank you very much, good night!

 – Frank Skinner

Stewart Lee on American reactions to the death of Osama…

I was driving on the M4, it was the day Bin Laden was shot by the Americans and there were all different Americans coming on the radio talking about what they thought about it and it made me think: what we like, collective groups of people, here in society. Here’s four real quotes by real Americans on May the second, the day Bin Laden was shot. This first guy, he’s called Thomas Cox, he’s a construction worker, talking in Times Square on Radio 4, and he said, “I made Photoshop pictures of the Statue of Liberty holding Osama’s bloody severed head and handed them out to the crowd. It’s payback.”

It’s not, is it? The payback for Osama surely was being shot in the face at point blank range. Thomas Cox’s offensive collage…It merely adds insult to injury. Bin Laden was buried at sea, you’ll remember. This Thomas Cox goes on, he says, “We should have mounted his head on a spike. I am hoping that the fish and the crabs are having a good meal on his eyeballs.”

Now, it’s a very apposite quote that because as you all know, under Sharia law, if a Muslim man is buried at sea, it is required that their body be protected from the attentions of fish, and I think it was that that this Thomas Cox was alluding to there. If you’ve not seen me before, I don’t think that, I think the opposite of that. Okay? That’s one of the things I do, I make a very bold statement about something, but the implication is actually the opposite of…

Now, this next quote from an American called Steven Reginella, again on Radio 4 in Times Square, and he said, “They should have brought Bin Laden’s body here and hung it from the lamppost. In fact, they should have roasted him here like a chicken, so he would have seen what it felt like.”

It’s all over the place that, innit? “They should have brought Bin Laden‘s body here…”

Alive, presumably.

“…and hung it from the lamppost.”

What lamppost is that? The New York City designated corpse-roasting lamppost. Who should have done that?

“They should.”

Who are they? The New York City designated corpse-roasting team. They don’t do a lot of corpse roasting. Their duties mainly entail maintenance of the corpse-roasting lamppost.

“…roast him like a chicken, so he would have seen what it felt like.”

“There you are, Bin Laden, on the lamppost, roasting, yeah. Can you see what that feels like?

“I can f…I can f…I can feel what it feels like”

“That wasn‘t the question. What…What if we hold this mirror up, a full-length mirror? Can you see what it feels like now?”

“I can see what it looks like?”

“This is exactly the kind of unhelpful behaviour we would expect…”

Roasted like a chicken. Why? We’ve all roasted a chicken at some point in our lives, haven’t we? No need for this kind of frontier justice, is there? He didn’t have any issues with chickens, did he? Bin Laden? It was the West that he hated wasn’t it? And our values, not chicken. Imagine if he had hated chickens, Bin Laden. And he deployed the same level of firepower over a 10-year period to the eradication of poultry that he had to Western democratic systems. I’m not an expert but I think we’d be looking at a very different global geopolitical setup.

…This next quote from an American was on the YouTube. You’ve seen that, where the people film themselves talking. This is an American lady talking to the camera. She said, “I so happy Osama be dead, I climb stoplight and show my two titties at the crowd. Everyone be cheering. Everyone be whistling. I so happy Osama be dead. My titties be pretty big titties, too. Osama one holy motherf***er, but he a man, and I-a say-a he’d-a got a kick out-a these hot titties. Word.”

This last one, this was on the YouTube as well. A chap running around in one of the big towns there waving a flag, and he said, “They should get Max Hardcore out of jail…”

Now, I didn’t know who Max Hardcore was when I heard this quote. He’s a bloke. He’s in violent American pornography. And I didn’t know who he was, so I looked him up on the Internet. Now I’m on the sex offenders registry. Max Hardcore. I thought he was just a very efficient builder. This is what he…”They should get Max Hardcore out of jail to reverse cowgirl Osama‘s body on the White House lawn. Max would tear that Muslim faggot‘s dead body a new hole. Know what I’m saying? They should get Max to reverse cowgirl him on the White House lawn and FedEx the tapes to his family saying, ‘Look at this, you gay c*nts. F**k with America, you’re fucking with God. Prepare to have your assholes ripped open.'”

I know, it’s amazing. Amazing quote. Now, I don’t think it’s fair to make hard-and-fast generalisations about a whole society based on just four random quotes. But if I was gonna do that…I’d say what have we learned about America from these four quotes? It’s a country…It’s obsessed with its own blind patriotism, with its own religious fundamentalism, with sexualised violence, and there’s a weird homophobic undercurrent going through some of those quotes, as well. Interesting thing about those four quotes.

The second interesting thing about those four quotes, I think, is that of those four quotes, only two of them were made up by me. Such is the depth of your blind anti-American prejudice, you’ve got no idea which ones they are. You go, “No, they could all be true, Stew! And if they’re not they should be because that’s what they’re like!”

 – Stewart Lee

Stewart Lee again, this time on the ‘extraordinary circumstances’ of Osama’s sea burial…

Anyway, that’s enough making fun of America and the West. It’s time now to mock Islam and to ridicule individual Muslims. People are very keen on that now in comedy. There was a big piece in the Daily Mail in December by Jan Moir saying there’s not enough anti-Islamic stand-up in Britain at the moment. Of course, they’re very keen on balance at the Daily Mail. It’s been a watch-word of the paper going way back to the 1930s.

[Mild laughter] I know, it’s a good joke. No one gets it.

So…it’s an occupational hazard of stand-up now if you do a joke about anything and you don’t immediately follow it up with a joke about Islam. People are like “What’s wrong with you?”

These are the kind of e-mails you get. This sort of thing.

“Dear BBC, I enjoyed Stewart Lee’s making fun of Chris Moyles on TV last night and I look forward to him mocking the Prophet Mohammed in the same way next week. Yours, Norris McWhirter. Nuremberg.”

Another one here. “Dear BBC, I enjoyed watching Stewart Lee making jokes about crisps last night, but I doubt we will be seeing him having a go at any Muslim snacks in the near future. On the politically correct BBC, it appears there’s one law for crisps and quite another for those mini poppadom things that they sell in Marks & Spencer’s. Yours, Norris McWhirter, Argentina.”

Yeah. Well, it’s a later postmark. So, erm…I know, they don’t get it…it’s time…So time to ridicule a Muslim now, in accordance with the Daily Mail’s demands, and the Muslim we’re gonna be ridiculing tonight is called Mohammed al-Qubaisi. He’s from Dubai, he’s one of the top Muslim guys out there.

Yeah, people down there [pointing at one section of the audience] are laughing at that, as well they should because, of course, in Islam, there is no pyramid power structure. So succession of Imams, er, Imams, all with equal power, so the idea of a top Muslim is…haha.

Now, anyway this is what he said. Mohammed al-Qubaisi about Bin Laden being buried at sea. He said, “They can say they buried him at sea, but they cannot say they did it according to Islam. Sea burials are permissible for Muslims in extraordinary circumstances only, and this is not one of them.”

Let’s have a quick recap on those circumstances. Osama Bin Laden was shot in the face at point blank range in front of his family after a possibly illegal American incursion into Pakistani airspace following a 10-year campaign to bring him to justice for flying two hijacked, fully-laden passenger aircraft into the World Trade Center killing literally thousands and thousands of people. What has made this Mohammed al-Qubaisi so jaded that this does not fit his definition of extraordinary circumstances? What a jaded, jaded man, Sheffield. Not the sort of man you’d wanna have to organise a surprise birthday party for.

So that’s a Muslim ridiculed. Time now for some anti-Islamic stand-up. Jan Moir in the Daily Mail says there’s not enough stand-up about Islam. There’s loads, actually, if you think about it. There’s Roy “Chubby” Brown, your spiritual king in this region. He goes round and round doing loads. And Tim Minchin’s done stuff about Islam to stadiums full of people. Of course there’s dozens of British comics of an Islamic background talking about it all the time, night after night. So I think really there’s so much stand-up about Islam, I don’t really know what to bring to the table, so what I’ve been trying to do on this tour is something that has not been done before, I’ve been trying to do observational comedy. Yeah. That’s kind of BBC One, ITV One, sort of “Oh, look at that,” kind of stuff.

I’ve been trying to do observational comedy of a specifically anti-Islamic bent. Yeah. Anti-Islamic observational comedy. I’ve had some good reviews for that. You know, people going, “Brilliant! Like an Islamophobic Michael McIntyre!” That was good. “Superb! The John Bishop of cultural relativism.”

So, here we are now, Sheffield, with some anti-Islamic observational comedy. Anti-Islamic observational comedy. Observational comedy.

[Runs around on stage in a style mocking Michael McIntyre. moves the microphone stand from place to place. runs around some more. does this in silence for a few minutes, occasionally sighing. audience laughter throughout]

Have you seen these Muslims they have now?

[Laughter, applause] That’s the end of that bit. People up there [pointing to another section of the audience] are going, “Ooh, now it’s picking up.”

I’ve got three, erm, anti-Islamic one-liners now that I’m hoping to sell on to Roy “Chubby” Brown. Here they are.

[Imitating Brown] “Hey, you know, one in two kids born in Britain today is called Mohammad. And that’s just the girls. [Trailing off] I’ve not got the exact figures…Did you know one in two Islamic hate preachers in Britain today has got a hook for his hands and a bad…[Trailing off] I’ve done no research.”

Do you know one in two people claiming to be a spokesperson for the entire British-Muslim community is, in fact, the unelected leader of a non-democratic special-interest fringe group given ideas above its station by a misguided New Labour community bridge-building initiative?

Some laughs. A lot of people going, “What was that? What was that supposed to be?”

I’ll tell you what that was, my come-in-error friends, that was the best joke about Islam in Britain anyone has ever done. That’s what that was. It was even-handed. It was informed. It’s what you say you want, isn’t it? You go, “Do stuff about Islam!”

I just did.

“Not like that, Stew…Not where you have to know anything…When we said do stuff about Islam, we meant make fun of their hats.”

 – Stewart Lee

Aamer Rahman on the Mafia-style burial of Osama…

A lot of people thought the war on terror was going to end and after they found Bin Laden, right? And, you know what, I never knew how to feel about Osama Bin Laden. Like I never knew whether he was actually real or he was just sipping tequila somewhere on an island with Elvis and Tupac, paid for by the CIA. My friends get upset, “Don’t be ridiculous Aamer. Of course Osama Bin Laden is real. Of course he’s real. You’ve seen the videos.”

It’s like, yeah, yes I’ve seen the videos. But I also Life of Pi. I thought that tiger was real for two and a half hours. There’s a lot of stuff you can do with a green screen nowadays.

And I’ll never forget, the White House came out and said “We’ve located Osama Bin Laden.”

Everyone was like “Wow, you’ve found Bin Laden. Where is he?”

And like, “Uh, well actually we killed him, we killed him.”

And everyone was like, “You killed him? Okay, well show us some photos.”

The White House is like “We didn’t take any photos.”

And everyone is like “Okay, well what did you do with the body?”

And the White House is like “Oh the body? Well don’t worry about the body see, because what we did was, after we shot him in the face in front of his family, we thought we would be really culturally sensitive, so we put the body in a helicopter, we flew it out over the middle of the ocean and then we dumped it in an undisclosed location, because that is an Islamic burial ritual.”

And then every single Muslim on the planet earth said “Um…no, no it’s not actually. We’ve never heard of that IN THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF ISLAM!”

Muslims, they don’t dump bodies in the water. That’s the Mafia. Yeah, someone typed the wrong thing in Wikipedia that day. And what a story, what a story, because they created Bin Laden, right, they created him, they funded him, and then he turned around and he became their greatest enemy, right. And that was a proper, proper Mafia execution, right, shot in the face, dumped in the ocean. I think they should have gotten someone from the Mob to handle that last press conference, right. They would have been asked questions like, “Can you just tell us some more details about the final moments of Osama Bin Laden’s capture and assassination?”

They just could have had a guy from the Mob standing there going [speaking in an exaggerated American Italian accent] “Well, you know, it hurts me to say this because I loved Osama, he’s like a son to me. Back in the eighties, Afghanistan, Russians tried to move in our turf. He really took care of business. We paid him good money. But then, with the 911, he disrespected the family. If there was one thing I used to say to him over and over again, I used to say to him ‘Sammy, in this line of business you don’t bite the hand that feeds ya.’ So he had to get whacked. Now he’s sleep with the fishes. Forget about it.”

 – Aamer Rahman

Maz Jobrani on Osama Bin Lamp…

It went crazy last year, a lot of crazy stuff happened man, like they killed Bin Laden, that was crazy when they killed Bin Laden. First thing I did when they killed Bin Laden I called up my Pakistani friend, I was like “How did you guys miss him?! He’s been in that town for five years. He’s a tall guy. How’d you not see him? Was he walking around with a lamp shade over his head pretending to be a lamp?”

“I’m not Bin Laden, I’m a lamp. Pull my arm, I’m on, I’m off.”

Were people walking up to him, “You know who you look like?”

“I know, I get it all the time. If I had a dinar for every time people say that. I’m not Bin Laden, I’m his cousin Jin Laden. Very different. He’s a terrorist. I’m a magician. [Pulls a quarter from behind the ear] Is that your quarter?”

The craziest part of that story were these Navy SEALs. These guys are so badass, they showed up in the middle of the night, it took 40 minutes, got the job done, got the hell out. And then afterwards they called up Pakistan and told them what they’ve done. “Hey, we just killed Bin Laden.”

And the Pakistani guys is like “What?! Bin Laden? I thought that was a lamp! No wonder he never turned on. He was always turned off.”

But the Navy SEALs ruined it for every guy in here. Those guys set the standards so high we’d never live up to it. My own wife was like “Why can’t you be more like a Navy SEAL?”

I was like “What do you mean? Do you want me to go around killing enemies of the state?”

She said “No, I want you to show up in the middle, take 40 minutes, get the job done, get the hell out.”

Damn! I thought I could show up, take 2 minutes, get the job done, get the hell out. I’ll be an elite force.

I like that joke, because in the first part woman are always like “That’s right, 40 minutes. Hahaha.” Second part, guys are like “That’s better Maz. 2 minutes. You should fix this, fix the expectations…”

 – Maz Jobrani

Bill Maher on Christian contradictions regarding the death of Osama…

New rule. If you’re a Christian who supports killing your enemies and torture, you have to come up with a new name for yourself.

Now, last week, as I was explaining why I didn’t feel at all guilty about Osama’s targeted assassination, I made some jokes about Christian hypocrisy. And since then, strangers have been coming up to me and forcing me to have the same conversation. So, let me explain two things. One, I’m not Matthew McConaughey. He surfs a long board. And, two, “capping thine enemy” is not exactly what Jesus would do. It’s what Suge Knight would do.

Now, for almost 2,000 years, Christians have been lawyering the Bible to try and figure out how “love thy neighbor” can mean “hate thy neighbor,” and how “turn the other cheek” can mean, “screw you, I’m buying space lasers.”

Martin Luther King gets to call himself a Christian because he actually practiced loving his enemies. And Gandhi was so f**king Christian, he was Hindu. But, if you rejoice in revenge, torture and war–hey, that’s why they call it the weekend!–you cannot say you’re a follower of the guy who explicitly said, “Love your enemies and do good to those who hate you.”

The next line isn’t, “And if that doesn’t work, send a titanium-fanged dog to rip his nuts off.”

Jesus lays on that hippie stuff pretty thick. He has lines like, “Do not repay evil with evil,” and “Do not take revenge on someone who wrongs you.”

Really. It’s in that book you hold up when you scream at gay people. And, not to put too fine a point on it, but non-violence was kind of Jesus’ trademark. Kind of his big thing. To not follow that part of it is like joining Greenpeace and hating whales.

I mean, you know, there’s “interpreting,” and then there’s just ignoring. It’s just ignoring if you’re for torture. As are more evangelical Christians than any other religion. You’re supposed to look at that figure of Christ on the cross and think, “How could a man suffer like that and forgive?” not “Romans are p**sies; he still has his eyes.”

If you go to a baptism and hold the baby under until he starts talking, you’re missing the message. Like, apparently, our president, who says he gets Scripture on his Blackberry first thing every morning, but, who said on “60 Minutes” that anyone who would question that Bin Laden deserved assassination should–quote–“have their head examined.”

Hey, Fox News, you missed a big headline: “Obama thinks Jesus is nuts!” To which I say, Hallelujah, because my favorite new government program is surprising violent, religious zealots in the middle of the night and shooting them in the face. Sorry, Head Start, you’re number two now.

But, you see, I can say that because I’m a non-Christian. Just like most Christians. And, Christians, I know, I’m sorry, I know you hate this and you want to square this circle, but you can’t. I’m not even judging you. I’m just saying, logically, if you ignore every single thing Jesus commanded you to do, you’re not a Christian. You’re just auditing. You’re not Christ’s followers. You’re just fans. And if you believe the earth was given to you to kick a** on while gloating, you’re not really a Christian; you’re a Texan.

 – Bill Maher

Doug Stanhope on Osama Bin Bigfoot…

Osama Bin Laden is really this serious badass that we all have to be worried about. He’s calling on Muslims to attack Americans on all fronts, anywhere they can. Just blow them up, blow them up! That’s what the voiceover says on the tapes. How come not dick has happened since September 11? Not one fucking thing. No one has gotten so much as an Indian rug burn since September 11, but we should all still be very, very worried and follow George Bush very carefully because he’s in control, be very afraid. Nothing’s happened.

Bob on Dudley KLBJ, a B-market, third rated station, they could get on the air tomorrow, with that little power, and they could say you know what I had a bad meal at Schlotzsky’s last night, so I want all my listeners to go out and moon a Schlotzsky’s today. With that little power someone would still get a face full of ass for breakfast. But Osama Bin Bigfoot, the bad ass terrorist, he can’t get one crazy assed Muslim to leave a burning bag of dog shit on an Americans’ door step and ring the bell. That doesn’t add up to me. I’m no Alex Jones conspiracy theorist but once you start spotting some bull shit, then you start spotting it all. And that’s BULL SHIT! Bull blown up. That pipe bomber too. Man.

I think Osama Bin Laden is Tyler Durden. First rule of Al Qaeda, you do not talk about Al Qaeda. And that pipe bomber, trying to make a smiley face across the country, he’s part of Project Mayhem too. He had some great points, he did…he’s a kid, man…it’s just such bull shit. It’s just a big fat bloated celebrity, this country…It is…It’s just retards, and retards, you know.

“They blew up the World Trade Centre because they’re jealous of the way we live.”

No they’re not. They’re not jealous…They want us to stop fucking with them. Why are we over negotiating peace with the Middle East? Who the fuck are we? We have problems in this country…you know, the election, we had a big election dispute…with Gore and Bush. You didn’t see the Emperor of Tunisia coming over here, “I’m gonna help you guys work this out. You sit there, and you sit there, and we’re gonna have to come to a resolution…”

“Who is this f**king guy? Get him outta here. Blow shit up in his country.”

That shit’s the arrogance that gets shit blown up. “No, they’re jealous…”

No, they’re not jealous…that’s like the fat skanky unwashed girl on Ricky Lake, and they boo her, and she goes “You’re just jealous, you’re just jealous and all, you’re jealous of me, you’re jealous of my spandex and my dirty ass.”

Ew! Jealous? Stop f**king with people. But we have to f**k with them because they have all the oil. And that’s the only reason we’re over there. Shit goes on all over the world, and we don’t give a f**k about it. But where there is oil, all of a sudden we have to negotiate peace. Blow me! But everyone’s fat and has cable, so they don’t pay attention.

 – Doug Stanhope

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