18 Funny-ish Quotes

After a few serious blog posts I thought it best to try and lighten the mood. So please find below 18 hopefully funny-ish quotes from the likes of Doug Stanhope, Nazeem Hussain (pictured below), Jeff Mirza, and Shazia Mirza (no relation, I presume). Anyways, enjoy!

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A guy’s driving down an old country road and he sees a farmer in his orchard feeding his pigs, but what he’s doing is he’s taking one pig at a time, holding him up, letting him eat an apple out of the tree, and then setting him down before picking up another pig and letting him eat an apple. So the guy pulls over and walks up to the farmer and he says, “Wouldn’t it save time to just knock all the apples on the ground and let the pigs eat them all at once?” And the farmer, confused, looks at him and says, “What’s time to a pig?” – Doug Stanhope

A long and wicked life followed by five minutes of perfect grace gets you into Heaven. An equally long life of decent living and good works followed by one outburst of taking the name of the Lord in vain, then have a heart attack at that moment and be damned for eternity. Is that the system? – Robert A Heinlein

A string and his friends walk into a bar, and the string goes up to get a drink and the bartender says, “We don’t serve strings here.” So the string ties himself in a loop and does up the top of his head and then goes up to the bar, and the bartender goes, “Uh…are you a string?” And the string goes, “No, I’m a frayed knot.” – Kumail Nanjiani

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.” – Anon

A thoughtful gift for Mother’s Day would be to stop asking her for money and get your career going. – Jake Weisman

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have for something they don’t need. – Will Rogers

Always remember that the crowd that applauds your coronation is the same crowd that will applaud your beheading. People like a show. – Anon

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it! – Anon

Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be a good person every day? Also no. – Anon

Brother, how come you’re not married? Have you not met the right cousin yet? – Jeff Mirza

Clowns divorce: custardy battle. – Simon Munnery

Earlier this year I saw The Theory Of Everything, loved it. Should’ve been called Look Who’s Hawking, that’s my only criticism. – James Acaster

I know that there’s racism and all this, because people are angry. But I take comfort in knowing that racists are not that bright…I’m in London, I was walking down the street and this man shouted out. He went: “Oi, you Paki…go back to India.” – Shazia Mirza

I never lie on my CV, because it creases it. – Jenny Collier

I had to shave off my massive beard recently because I found out that when girls say they find men with beards sexy, what they really mean is that they find sexy men with beards sexy. – Adam Hess

You can throw rice at a wedding, but you can’t throw naan bread. – Joe Wilkinson

Listen, if I can just be serious for a minute, and I think it is important. As you know, I grew up with loads of Muslims, and the overwhelming majority of them, 98%, 99%, 99.5%…are fucking terrorists, yeah. They’re gonna fucking kill you, yeah. We know this to be true from our own experience. – Hardeep Singh Kohli

What do you guys want to talk about? Go on, yell something out. What was that? ISIS? Oh really? Do you guys want to…? Do you know this guy said to me recently, “Hey Nazeem, mate, I mean, you’re a Muslim so does that mean you support ISIS?” I said, “Are you serious? Just because I’m Muslim doesn’t mean I support ISIS, you idiot! Some of us like Al Qaeda, there’s the Taliban, Jamaat Islamia. Don’t bunch us all together like that.” – Nazeem Hussain

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