20 FUNNY-ISH QUOTES

With all the craziness out there I thought it wise to pause briefly to enjoy a few funny-ish quotes. Enjoy!


Here’s to you and here’s to me, and if we ever disagree, here’s to me. – from the movie Rachel Rachel (1968)

Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. – Matt Winning

Maybe Hitler wouldn’t have been so grumpy if people hadn’t left him hanging for high-fives all the time. – Rhys James

I was vegan for a while. I lost 6lb, but most of that was personality. – Pippa Evans

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat. – Joe Lycett

When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Then I was born. – Yianni

How many people here are psychic? Raise my hand! – Chris Dugdale

My father grew up in this really racist part of Boston, called Boston. – Alex Edelman

My wife and I can never agree on holidays. I want to fly to exotic places and stay in five-star hotels. And she wants to come with me. – Kelly Kingham

They say children give you something money can’t buy. Yes, poverty. – Jeff Green

My dad’s a real family man. He’s got three of them. – Steve Bugeja

If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself. – Ian Smith

Why are disabled toilets big enough to run around in? – Lost Voice Guy

Went to my allotment and found that there was twice as much soil as there was the week before. The plot thickens. – Darren Walsh

Whenever I’m on a date with a girl I tell her she has an amazing laugh to trick her into thinking she’s been laughing a lot. – Adam Hess

You have to think positively. For example, I don’t have a drink problem. I have a drink opportunity. – Lou Sanders

I wasn’t sure about this beard at first but it’s grown on me. – Tez Ilyas

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My husband never learned to drive. In my opinion. – Jo Brand

Does anyone think that Camilla is what Princess Diana would look like if she survived the crash. – Frankie Boyle

“Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime.” “Was it something I said?” asks the son. “Yes.” – Damien Slash

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