One of my favourite comedians is the always brilliant and always controversial Frankie Boyle. The Scottish-born Boyle, who is a cross between Jon Stewart and Rab C Nesbit, is a multifaceted talent:

He is a stand-up comedian. I highly recommend any and all of Boyle’s stand-up, of which there is plenty available online.

He is a writer of three books, again strongly recommended as I hope to quote from these in a future blog.

He has written several articles for the Guardian, all of which I again highly recommend.

He is a TV personality, probably most famous for his many appearances on the BBC comedy quiz show Mock The Week, as well as his Channel 4 series Tramadol Nights. More recently (April 2016) he was a somewhat more polite guest on The Jonathon Ross Show (it is a good interview, if you can find it on YouTube).

He has quite a big following on Twitter.

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Lastly, he is very controversial. Just one of many examples is from several years ago when Boyle got in trouble with the BBC for making disparaging remarks about Israel.

Anyways, below are some of my favourite Frankie Boyle quotes. Enjoy!

  1. An ISIS caliphate is essentially the Vatican but with less sex.
  2. Apparently the Saudi Arabian Paralympic team is mainly thieves.
  3. BBC’s coverage of Gaza is as shameful as anything it has ever done. Except Mrs Brown’s Boys. Actually, there’s a bunch of stuff. Forget it.
  4. Boyle’s problem, if it is a problem, is that life, or society, is too bland for him. He doesn’t really admire anyone on the mainstream comedy circuit, believing comedy has become a career, “There’s a lot of banality about”, and, despite his need to promote his autobiography, he rages against the fact that everything has become so PR-driven. “Everything is so mediated,” he says, and swings into an amusing story about a contribution he was asked to make to The Culture Show. “They wanted 10 celebrity inserts about ‘what is culture’. And my thing was culture is a war of ideas. People such as stand-ups and artists and alternative thinkers are on one side and you’re fighting with pea shooters against these giant summer blockbusters that are designed to have this numbing ideology. They just looked at me and said, ‘What? We really can’t show that at all.’ So I said what do you want, and they said, ‘We had Patsy Kensit in today and that was good.’ She said, ‘Culture is buying my daughter an ice-cream at the Natural History Museum.’ So that’s what you’re up against. That’s the level of banality that’s desired.” [From an interview with the Independent]
  5. Bye Afghanistan. Seems like we just couldn’t murder enough of you to bring peace, couldn’t drop enough explosives to bring stability. Sorry.
  6. Football is just distraction, distract you from the real world, distract you from the war. They should replace football with just a guy bringing out a big bunch of keys and going “Look at the shiny shiny!”
  7. France be like “I support free speech, free expression. Unless you wear a veil. I CAN’T SEE HER NOSE!! ARREST HER! I CAN’T SEE HER NOSE!!”
  8. Glasgow is a very negative place. If Kanye was born in Glasgow he would have been called No You Cannae.
  9. Glasgow, a place where people think Hepatitis B is a vitamin.
  10. [Referring to the appearance of BNP leader Nick Griffin on Question Time in Oct 2009] I don’t give a shit about the Nick Griffin stuff. I watched it, and I just thought ‘this is boring’. He’s just a stress ball for people who really caused the problem. Jack Straw is sitting there. You’ve got essentially a racist government with a racist immigration policy and you’ve got a scarecrow to point at and say: ‘Here’s the racist, ooooh, you terrible racist.’
  11. I don’t read newspapers anymore. I just lie to myself and cut out the middleman.
  12. I think we’re heading for a two state solution. Israel as a solid, Palestine vaporised into a gas.
  13. I think what Scotland needs to do now is put England on the back foot, do something that the English won’t expect, and the last thing that they expect is for us to become an Islamic caliphate. IS. Independent Scotland. Of course, we’ll need to learn how to treat women slightly better, but we can change.
  14. I’m just horrified by Donald Trump. He’s sort of like a pumpkin having a nervous breakdown. He’s like a sort of corrupt tele-evangelist that Columbo would have as a baddie or something. But he’s really dangerous, I mean he’s like proto-fascist, almost. And Hillary Clinton isn’t much better. I mean, she’s like the establishment candidate. But if you’re in one of the countries that America is destroying around the world, that election must look like, you know, someone is driving a combine harvester towards you and there’s a chance that the wheel might be grabbed by a chimpanzee. There’s not really a good option in there.
  15. I’m very old now and I’ve got a body like a dropped lasagne. Women now look at my naked body in the same fearful way that pensioners look at snow.
  16. If you get offended by any jokes tonight, by the way, feel free to Tweet your outrage on a mobile phone made by a ten year old in China.
  17. [Referring to the 2007 Glasgow International Airport terrorist attack] I’m from Glasgow. If I had to explain Glasgow to you, I’d say that if I had to pick a city in the world where I could depend on a member of the public to punch a man who was on fire. To punch a flaming man to the ground! We should get a photo of that blown up and use it as the welcome sign at Scottish airports. And underneath we should have the words “Scotland welcomes careful drivers.” I mean the naivety of Al Qaida trying to bring religious war to Glasgow. We’re four hundred years ahead of you guys. You’ve not even got a football team. There’s a fallacy, isn’t there, that that baggage handler prevented hundreds of people from being horribly burnt. These were Scottish people flying to Spain!
  18. In Scotland we have mixed feeling about global warming, because we will get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown.
  19. Israel say civilians are being killed because they’re living near terrorists and, to be fair, they are living stupidly close to Israel.
  20. It’s worth remembering that in the press, ‘public opinion’ is often used interchangeably with ‘media opinion’, as if the public was somehow much the same as a group of radically rightwing billionaire sociopaths.
  21. It’s important for Britain to defend itself by bombing IS, in the same way you defend yourself from a wasps’ nest by hitting it with a stick.
  22. It’s not politically correct to talk about women who wear veils. I don’t care if they wear a veil or not. It’s when you see them in London, taking photos of each other as tourists. What’s the point? “Could you take that one again? I blinked.”
  23. I’ve been studying Israeli army martial arts. I now know 16 ways to kick a Palestinian woman in the back. People think that the Middle East is very complex but I have an analogy that sums it up quite well. If you imagine that Palestine is a big cake, well…that cake is being punched to pieces by a very angry Jew.
  24. Labour say vote SNP get Tories, Tories say vote Labour get SNP. AT LEAST PRETEND THAT THE BULLSHIT SYSTEM YOU WANT US TO ENGAGE WITH WORKS.
  25. Maybe it’s time to ask whether Prince Andrew is a man with sufficient moral integrity to travel the globe promoting UK weaponry to tyrants.
  26. Maybe there was a time when the United States gave the rest of the world a safe word and we’ve simply forgotten it.
  27. Money is a belief system, it only works so long as we have confidence in it. Which is why everybody who works for a bank is on cocaine.
  28. On balance, I think the only reason our political elite haven’t slaughtered us in camps is they need us to produce children for them to fuck.
  29. One day religions will forget about their differences and focus on the things that unite them, like their hatred of women and homosexuals.
  30. Our new rulers will be corporations. Looking down at Britain from business class, all the party conferences – and the protests marching up and down outside them – will look like little cargo cults. We will be allowed to keep our political rituals because they have an entertainment value, and because somebody needs to give speeches and answer questions. That’s not something our new rulers will be doing. They will be glimpsed only occasionally, stepping briskly into waiting cars. Our elected officials will soon fill a function much like the one the media fills now, as mere agents of a greater power. With no other role to play, our politicians will continue doing what they know: waving to the cameras, forcing a smile, hoping to keep us paying attention to their strange, dull ceremonies.
  31. [Football commentary] Overpaid…overpaid knocks it on to overrated…overrated…on to possible rapist…possible rapist knocks it forward to closet gay…closet gay…GOAL!
  32. People say that Steve Jobs died too soon but I think it was a fitting metaphor for his companies attitude to battery life.
  33. Some attack benefits & immigration but I think it’s worth remembering IT WAS THE BANKS. THEY TOOK ALL THE MONEY. IT WAS ON THE FUCKING NEWS.
  34. The US attacking Islam is like a serial killer being annoyed when the people locked in his basement start praying.
  35. Watched American Sniper. Sort of Star Wars from the point of view of the Stormtroopers.
  36. We are starting to spend more time online and less being alive. Our faces feel odd when we take our masks off. We live in a culture built on debt, so we are encouraged to have no self control. Consumer culture needs us to be impulsive, while our political culture fears that we will ever develop discipline.
  37. We want Paris to be remembered in 1,000 years and we don’t remember the names of the victims 10 minutes after reading them – we don’t remember Amine Ibnolmobarak, a Moroccan émigré who was designing an architectural solution to the 2,000 deaths at Mecca; we don’t remember Elsa Delplace and her mother Patricia San Martin, who died shielding Delplace’s young son from bullets. We remember that the female terrorist was blond and one had no pants on. We remember that the terrorists came in with refugees even though they don’t seem to have done, especially since they were all French or Belgian. We expect our descendants to remember Daft Punk and we don’t even remember that invading Iraq caused the birth and rise of Isis. And we won’t remember any of this once the new series of Britain’s Got Talent starts.
  38. We’ve got Barack Obama as president. Incredible when you consider he has the worst name you could have in American politics. Obama…halfway between “Osama” and “a bomber”. He might as well be called Muslim O’Gun–Bomb.
  39. Why do paedophiles always have beards and glasses? What is it about that look that children find so sexy?


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