9 FUNNY QUOTES FROM STAND-UP COMEDIANS

Below are 9 hopefully funny quotes from stand-ups, including one about ‘Uncle Eid’. Enjoy!


You can throw rice at a wedding, but you can’t throw naan bread. – Joe Wilkinson

Whatever happened to Gandhi? Because he only made one good film, didn’t he? – Anil Desai

Of course, nobody hates other Indians abroad more than other Indians abroad. – Aditi Mittal

This is a jinn story from Pakistan: somebody in Pakistan weed on a tree, and the next day someone knocked on his door and said “Why did you wee on my family?” That’s a jinn story for you. – Abdullah Afzal (Amjad, or Bhudhoo, from Citizen Khan)

Amjad

My mum is very charitable. She is a very, very good woman. She takes charity very seriously actually. So seriously that she does Movember all year round. She’s committed. – Mawaan Rizwan

You can either choose to be a vegan, or you can choose to enjoy life. – Romesh Ranganathan

Mum, how can you ask me to get an arranged marriage, when you’re the one who’s been telling me growing up not to speak to strangers? How is that going to work? It’s not going to work, is it? – Tez Ilyas

I love Christmas but being Pakistani Muslim, I don’t really celebrate Christmas…what I really love about Christmas is Santa Claus…but I was thinking, in Islam we don’t have a Santa Clause. Where’s our Uncle Eid? Where’s that guy? Where’s Chacha Christmas? Where is this guy? And then I gave it too much thought, and I figured out why we don’t have one in Islam. Because, right, if you took a fat Asian or Arabic looking guy, with a beard and some robes…imagine there he is…it’s just a Muslim guy, isn’t it? Any Muslim guy. And if you take this Muslim guy and you put him in a flying sled, with a sack full of toys, yeah, led by seven flying animals…camels one imagines…and he sets off, right, he’s gone to deliver his Eid presents, right, how long do you think he’s going to last in European or American air space?…“And Tahir that is why we don’t have Father Christmas in Islam”…Thanks mum, great story. – Tez Ilyas

I don’t like talking to strangers in the street. You know when somebody comes up to you and tries to make friends with you by saying something obvious and putting “Isn’t it?” at the end. “It’s cold today, isn’t it?” “Yeah…now go away. I don’t want to talk to you, you time burglar. I’m trying to avoid friends I’ve already got, not make new ones. Moron.” This happened to me, I was at the post office and there was this elderly lady in front of me with a cat. I mean, if you want to sort this country out, sort that out, people taking cats to the post office. Anyway the lady turns round to me and says “It’s taking a long time, isn’t it?” Obviously what she wants me to say is “Yeah, yeah it is.” She doesn’t want to have a genuine conversation. She doesn’t want me to say, for example, “No, I don’t think it is taking that long a time, but I can understand why your perception of time is different to mine, being you have so little of it left”. She doesn’t want to hear that. – Romesh Ranganathan

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