What does Islam say about aliens?

Not a lot to be honest with you. Anyways, on to more important matters…

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu spoke before a joint session of Congress in Washington on Tuesday 03 Mar 2015. The whole thing was heavily, heavily criticised in many areas of the press (for example here and here and here and here). However, I did come across the following humorous articles that seem to sum up the craziness of the Middle East and international politics, along with an excellent clip of Jon Stewart doing what he does best. Enjoy!

Netanyahu Assures Critics He Still Has Utmost Respect For U.S. Money

02 Mar 2015 – The Onion

WASHINGTON—In a concerted effort to ease growing tensions between the two nations, Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu assured his critics Monday that he still has the utmost respect for U.S. money. “Relations between our two countries have at times been strained, but I promise you all that the entire Israeli government, myself included, still holds a high opinion of the United States’ cash,” said Netanyahu, emphasizing that his speech to Congress was not intended to show any disrespect for American funding whatsoever. “I appreciate everything U.S. money has done for Israel. Though we come at this issue from different perspectives, I have no doubt that we can overcome this disagreement and maintain positive relations between Israel and U.S. economic aid, as we always have.” Netanyahu added that he also maintained great respect for the U.S. military’s weapons.

A Timeline Of U.S.-Israel Relations

02 Mar 2015 – The Onion

A congressional visit from Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu that has reportedly rankled President Obama is the latest issue in what have often been strained diplomatic ties between the two countries. Here is a timeline of major events in U.S.-Israel foreign relations:

  • August 11, 1901: President William McKinley declares willingness to forge ties with Israel in the event it ever exists
  • May 14, 1948: United States becomes world’s first nation to officially recognize Israel as a dependent
  • November 7, 1956: Anger over Israel’s seizure of the Sinai Peninsula prompts President Dwight D. Eisenhower to start a time-honored presidential joke of threatening to suspend its foreign aid
  • September 13, 1993: President Bill Clinton establishes the important, longstanding precedent of getting-one’s-hopes-up-then-having-one’s-hopes-destroyed regarding Middle East peace when he presides over the first Israeli-Palestinian agreement to share the Holy Land
  • November 4, 1995: The assassination of beloved prime minister Yitzhak Rabin prompts President Clinton to personally send his widow a beautiful arrangement of interceptor missiles
  • June 20, 2004: President George W. Bush condemns new Israeli settlements as aesthetically displeasing in their minimalist design
  • April 8, 2008: A contemplative, emotional President Bush declares that the bond between Israel and the U.S. runs deeper than the footprints of a great lion running lost upon wet sand
  • October 11, 2010: After long talks, Facebook negotiations between local Gaithersburg, MD friends Joe Tulle and Kristen Schempe end in stalemate
  • June 19, 2012: A hot mic at the G20 summit catches President Obama reciting, from memory, the full text of the Elders Of Zion
  • March 20, 2013 Netanyahu smiles for cameras while quietly attempting to crush Obama’s hand during greeting on tarmac in Tel Aviv
  • 1948–Present: U.S. officials say a handful of things here and there that aren’t in clear, fervent support of Israel, creating considerable tension between the two countries

Report: Middle East Quickly Running Out Of Land Area For Violence To Spill Over To

03 Mar 2015 – The Onion

NEW YORK—Confirming that only a few square miles currently remain, a report released Tuesday by the United Nations warned that the Middle East is rapidly running out of available land for violence to spill over to. “As more and more of the region’s land area is consumed by armed struggles such as the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, the war against ISIS, ongoing rebellions in Yemen and Egypt, and widespread strife between Sunni and Shiite Muslims, the available square footage in which these clashes can further spread is becoming increasingly scarce,” said U.N. analyst Philippe Brun, adding that brutal government regimes, religious extremist groups, and sectarian death squads are now spending a considerable amount of their time simply searching for the few remaining placid acres of land in the region in which to expand their violent reach. “If the Middle East’s hostile factions can’t slow down the pace at which their battles are overrunning new territory, we may soon reach a point where the struggle over where to hold future armed conflicts becomes a full-scale war in and of itself.” Brun added that, though the Middle East will soon run out of area in which violence can spread, there would always be plenty of space left for it to intensify.

Israel declares US has declared war on Iran

05 Mar 2015 – Daily Mash

ISRAELI prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu has announced that the United States is at war with Iran.

Netanyahu broke the news to Congress on Tuesday, before ordering four US aircraft carriers and more than 300,000 troops to invade within a fortnight.

He said: “Just as the invasion of Iraq turned a nest of deadly terrorists into a land of peace, golf and women’s rights, war with Iran will make the whole region safe for democracy.

“I have been organising this invasion since 2012 and can no longer wait for the Americans to choose a commander-in-chief who agrees with me. So as you people like to say, ‘let’s roll’.”

President Obama said: “I had a lovely little war planned with Venezuela, which has oil but also a Caribbean coastline and spectacular waterfalls, but it’s not like it’s up to me.”


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