14 FUNNY-ISH BUT STILL RELEVANT QUOTES

Recent blog posts have understandably been serious and ever so slightly disheartening. So here is a quick post of 14 funny-ish quotes, some of which are still somewhat relevant to current events.

There’s a few from the brilliant Paul Chowdhry. Enjoy!


Apparently we were all going to get wiped out by Ebola earlier this year, remember that? We were all supposed to get killed by Ebola. What happened to Ebola? As soon as a white guy caught it, they found a cure. [African accent] “Thank God for David. Billions of us dead. David catch it, we are saved now. He is our saviour.” – Paul Chowdhry

Everything Fox News says is a lie…Even true things, once said on Fox News, become lies. – from an episode of Family Guy

For all its claims to expose the truth, the internet seems to me this tremendous machine for spreading false information. There is this whole world of discourse about me, this whole persona that has been created on little fragments of quotations taken out of context. And I’m supposed to pay up by engaging with these idiotic platforms in order to set the record straight. And if I don’t, then my name will be blackened. I find that abhorrent. – Jonathan Franzen, author

I think gay marriage is wrong, because if gay marriage catches on, soon we’re going to have gay arranged marriages, and I don’t need that crap in my life. Your dads going to be like, [Indian accent] “I introduced you to 50 girls. You said no. Now bring the boys.” – Paul Chowdhry

I prefer good old fashioned American racism, because it’s in your face. You know where you stand with American racism…In England the racism is very much more underground, more subtle. It’s more insidious. You don’t even know you’re being discriminated against. It’s, “Oh! Hello. It’s so wonderful to meet you!” Smile. Smile. Smile. But then you leave the room, and they say, “We are never going to employ that woman.” – Gina Yashere

I travel on Virgin planes now, right. Problem is, when I travel abroad…Virgin planes you can phone up your people, tell them when you’re arriving at your destination, they’ve got phones on the planes. Problem is most of my family speak Punjabi abroad, so when I’m telling them I’m arriving I’ve got to tell them in Punjabi. I was on the plane, I was like, “I’m on, er, flight 749…” [HE SPEAKS PUNJABI] The guy next to me shit himself. He phoned up his wife and told her he loved her…and he might never see her again. I didn’t want to ruin the surprise…I started reading the Koran…I’m not even a Muslim! – Paul Chowdhry

Isn’t that why we fight, so we can end all fighting? – from the movie Avengers: Age Of Ultron (2015)

I’ve disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighbourhood Watch. I’ve got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the centre. The RCMP, CSIS, the FBI, CIA, MI5, MI6, NSA, and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I’ve never felt safer and I am saving $49.95 a month. – Anon

Terrorists are desperate assholes who see no institutionalized recourse to address their grievances, so they resort to random acts of violence in order to instill fear into the general population. – Ze Frank

Of course, we live in a completely corrupted world where every government is just a bunch of businessmen working for a bunch of bigger businessmen and none of them give a shit about the people. The sad fact is no one knows how to change it, because no one knows how to take on the corporations. So I guess we’re stuck with this system until the oil runs out. – Woody Harrelson

Our society is run by insane people for insane objectives…I think we’re being run by maniacs for maniacal ends and I think I’m liable to be put away as insane for expressing that. That’s what’s insane about it. – John Lennon

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. – Phylis Diller

You want 4 wives yet you can’t handle 5 prayers? – Anon


Finally, for people like Donald Trump and others, who want to stop Muslims from entering America and only wanting to let Christians in, here is a way to perhaps determine who is a Christian…

What’s the difference between Christmas and Boxing Day? If you don’t know, you’re obviously not a Christian. – Isy Suttie

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TRUMP AND ISIS…SAME DIFFERENCE

Recently, as usual, much ado has been happening in the 1.5 billion plus Muslim world, but 2 main stories currently dominate the headlines: Trump and ISIS…

Islamophobia

Donald “no longer funny” Trump has been making all sorts of outrageous comments since throwing his ‘Make America Hate’ hat into the presidential nomination ring. Most recently, he decided to place an indefinite ban on Muslims entering America, should he become commander in chief. Good luck with that Donald, let me know how that works out for you and all those Middle Eastern business ventures of yours.

The other headliners are ISIS who, after their abhorrent Paris massacre, continue to rampage through various parts of the Middle East, all in the name of the caliphate. Britain decided enough is well and truly enough and, after a Commons vote, are now openly bombing ISIS positions in Syria, whereas before they were probably covertly bombing ISIS positions in Syria.

Trump and ISIS, both are bad news for the majority of Muslims in their own ways, because both are desiring more division and more hate. Anyways, below are several links to various articles and videos related to Trump and ISIS, along with one or two others…


‘The Daily Show’ Calls Donald Trump ‘White ISIS’

Donald Trump is an extremist leader who came out of nowhere, he’s self-financed, recruits through social media, attracts his followers with a radical ideology to take over the world, and is actively trying to promote a war between Islam and the West…Donald Trump is White ISIS…WISIS! – Hasan Minhaj


Francis Ford Coppola comments about Islam…

The problems of the world, and it is heart breaking, it is heart breaking, but if you know the Quran, the first words of the Quran, the very first I believe are something like, “In the name of God, the Gracious and the Merciful, praise be to God, Lord of the Worlds, the most Gracious, the most Merciful, Master of the book of judgment.” They’re saying graciousness and mercy is what’s at the root…they repeated it twice in the first page. “It’s You we worship and You we ask, lead us to the straight path, the path of those You have blessed, not those against whom there is anger or who are misguided.” So anyone who knows this beautiful religion, this beautiful…that was the height of civilization in the 13th century, the Arab civilization that we had that gave us mathematics and science, everyone knows that at the root of that religion the two most important words are that God is Gracious and God is Merciful, and we trust to that God to deliver us from this misunderstanding that is doing these terrible things that are hurting people. God does not want people to be hurt, God is gracious, God is merciful. And that’s what I have to say. – Francis Ford Coppola, legendary director of the Godfather trilogy, Apocalypse Now, Dracula, and The Conversation, recently spoke at the Marrakech International Film Festival, where he spoke briefly about Islam, quoting the opening chapter of the Quran, Surah-Al-Fatiha


Princeton Imam: 5 Reasons Mainstream Muslims Reject ISIS

ISIS has made a mockery of the rules of fighting that were clearly established by the first Caliph Abu Bakr based on the Prophet Muhammad’s teachings that Muslim armies were forbidden from even cutting down fruit-bearing trees let alone killing innocents.


Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: What Donald Trump And ISIS Have In Common

There is never an excuse for people blindly following a leader who consistently lies to them, who exaggerates threats and who proposes remedies that are unconstitutional. It’s shameful enough that Trump’s solutions run contrary to American values, but it’s more shameful that his followers refuse to acknowledge it. Such brainwashed behavior is demeaning to them and harmful to the country.


The Muslims Who Shaped America – From Brain Surgeons To Rappers

What Trump doesn’t seem to grasp is his own country’s history, and how many American achievements worth celebrating are the work of the kind of people – Muslims – he wants to keep out…Muslims were part of the US from its very beginnings. Among those who served under the command of chief of the continental army, General George Washington, in the war against British colonialism were Bampett Muhammad, who fought for the Virginia Line between the years 1775 and 1783, and Yusuf Ben Ali, who was a North African Arab. Some have claimed that Peter Buckminster, who fired the gun that killed British Major General John Pitcairn at the battle of Bunker Hill, and later went on to serve in the Battle of Saratoga and the battle of Stony Point, was a Muslim American.


The Nightly Show – Donald Trump Isn’t Funny Anymore

This is a country that was founded by people who fled religious persecution. So banning people based on religion goes against the very fabric of this country. And by the way, when you become the president, you swear to uphold the constitution, and this is what the constitution is about.


2 Men Disguised The Bible As The Quran And Read It To People In The Street — And The Results Are Fascinating

11 REASONS WHY MUSLIMS SHOULD NOT CONDEMN ISIS

By now we have all had time to reflect on the fact that the most romantic city in the world recently withstood its most violent attack for over 2 generations. One of the many talking points emerging from this chaotic tragedy is that of condemnation: should all Muslims everywhere condemn the attacks carried out in Paris in the name of Islam?

Whilst I have already blogged about this issue of condemning before, I feel it is important to perhaps say a few words regarding recent events. Therefore here are my reasons as to why the vast majority of Muslims should not be forced into issuing condemnations for such atrocious acts of wanton destruction…


1) ISIS are so not Islamic.

Yes, I have already blogged about this before, but here is a quote from Shaykh Muhammad Al-Yaqoubi, a direct descendant of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) and one of the most respected Muslim scholars alive today, describing his views on ISIS:

My message to everyone is not to fall in the trap which these terrorists want us to fall in. That is to say they want actually to provoke a clash of civilisations. They want to turn the western governments against their Muslim populations, and they want also to provoke the Muslim populations against their governments. So I believe here we should stay united altogether against terrorism, against ISIS, because ISIS belongs to no religion. Although they use Islam but their religion is terror. So let’s not fall in the trap that these people represent Islam. We know that there are 1.5 billion Muslims around the world who denounce ISIS, who are against its ideology…These people do not belong to Islam, do not belong to religion, have no ethics at all, have fallen into this trap of barbarity. – Shaykh Muhammad Al-Yaqoubi, from an interview with CNN, 18 Nov 2015

Add to this the following quote from Shaykh Hamza Yusuf:

The idea that this has something to do with normative Islam is not acceptable. But as you know we are living at a time when Islam is whatever anybody who wants to says it is. This is the kind of nominalist attitude that a lot of modern people have. I don’t think we can say completely that it has nothing to do with Islam. Obviously these people are motivated by scripture, which is clear in their publications and things like that. But again it’s a type of Protestantism, and I am not talking about modern Protestantism, I am talking about when the Protestants revolted against Catholic tradition. This created the religious wars of the 17th and 18th centuries. We have a lot of people opening the Qur’an, finding verses in there that can be decontextualized or completely misunderstood, just like you can in the Bible. And these are unfortunately the realities of the age that we are living in. – Shaykh Hamza Yusuf, from an interview with Al Jazeera


ISIS Coexist


2) And anyway, what do you mean by ‘Muslim’?

What do you mean by the very generic groupist generalisation of ‘Muslims’? There are literally hundreds of millions of us around the world. We cover all nationalities, races, cultures, creeds. We cut across all time zones. We are not something that can easily be grouped together.

Muslims do not form a united, homogenous entity…Is it not blindingly obvious that it smacks of bigotry to blame an entire group of people numbering in their multi-millions for the actions of a misguided minority who falsely claim some kind of religious purity? – Roy Greenslade, from an article entitled Why It’s Wrong To Demand That Muslims Condemn Isis


3) What’s the point in Muslims condemning ISIS when many prominent non-Muslims still hold on to such horrible views about Islam and Muslims?

Nowhere is this more prominent than when you consider the current batch of Republican Presidential hopefuls, such as Ben Carson who has compared refugees to “rabid dogs”, and Jeb Bush who said that we should only accept refugees who can “prove” they are Christian (how you do that, Holy Ghost only knows).

But none of this compares with Republican front runner Donald Trump who has said that he would: approve waterboarding “in a heartbeat”, continues to claim he saw thousands of Muslims in Jersey cheering during 9/11 (he also said that after 9/11 “worldwide, Muslims were going wild”), failed to correct a questioner who said Obama was a Muslim, said he will know the difference between Hamas and Hezbollah “when it’s appropriate”, has called for mass surveillance of mosques, and has called for the tracking of Muslims in the US through special ID’s and a Muslim database (isn’t that similar to what the Nazis did in the late 1930’s with Jews in Germany?).

You then have the Sun newspaper falsely claiming that 1 in 5 Muslims in Britain (that’s some 600,000 people) support ISIS.

Never mind all that, I just can’t get my mind around this…

Two racist mums who urinated in front of a Muslim family as they prayed in a park have walked free from court. Drunken friends Natalie Richardson, 32, and Claire Farrell, 36, pulled down their underwear and squatted within metres of the Syrians while shouting racist abuse. The shocking incident happened in front of the Muslim family’s son and daughter, aged eight and ten, and six children who were with the racism mums. Richardson even pushed a bystander in the chest when he tried to intervene in the incident on a quiet Sunday afternoon. Despite describing their behaviour as “disgusting”, a judge imposed only suspended sentences on the pair at Plymouth Crown Court in Devon. – from metro.co.uk, 29 Nov 2015

Another reason why it may be pointless to ask majority mainstream Muslims to speak up about ISIS is summed up so poignantly in a tweet by Kash Ali:

I don’t understand why non-Muslims think we British Muslims can stop Isis, mate I can’t even get a text back from the girl I like and you expect me to stop a terrorist organization ffs. – Kash Ali

Add to this the fact that people just don’t want to listen to Muslims when we do actually condemn:

…some will still say they don’t hear these condemnations. I don’t doubt those people. The mainstream media is about ratings, meaning that bloodshed will be covered 24/7 while denunciations by Muslims will get little to no press. – Dean Obeidallah


4) Muslims are not just the perpetrators, they are also victims, they are also heroes.

Yes, the killers claimed to be Muslim, but this is a doubtful claim at best. But one certainty is that the vast majority of the victims of ISIS atrocities around the world are indeed Muslims, and Paris also saw its share of innocent Muslim blood, such as sisters Houda and Halima Saadi, Djamila Houd, Moroccan architect Mohamed Amine Ibnolmobarak, Kheireddine Sahbi, and Asta Diakité, the cousin of the French footballer Lassana Diarra who was playing in the friendly against Germany on that frightful Friday night.

Paris also saw a Muslim hero. Security guard Salim Toorabally, a 42-year-old Mauritian immigrant and devout Muslim, stopped suicide bomber Bilal Hadfi from entering the Stade de France, saving potentially dozens of lives. A French policeman said later that “It might just be that you have saved France.”


5) ISIS is not just a Muslim problem.

ISIS have a specific aim in mind, to get non-Muslims to hate Muslims so much that Muslims feel compelled to hate back, Muslims feel they have no choice but to join ISIS, a point made by Newsweek journalist Dean Obeidallah:

…we can’t allow ISIS to achieve its goal of framing this as a fight pitting Islam against the West. It’s not. It’s all of us versus ISIS. – Dean Obeidallah

Author Karen Armstrong adds further weight to the argument:

We cannot afford to allow our grief and outrage to segue into self-righteousness. This is not just the “Middle East problem”; it is our problem, too. Our colonial arrangements, the inherent instability of the states we created and our support of authoritarian leaders have all contributed to the terrifying disintegration of social order in the region today. Many of the western leaders (including our own Prime Minister) who marched for liberté in Paris after the Charlie Hebdo massacre were heads of countries that, for decades, have backed regimes in Muslim-majority countries that denied their subjects any freedom of expression – often with disastrous results. – Karen Armstrong, from the New Statesman


6) Are only us Muslims to blame?

Is it just only our fault? Do any non-Muslims not think that they should take some of the blame? Here’s a somewhat relevant point from Karen Armstrong, again from the New Statesman:

Western governments must understand that their nations bear considerable responsibility for the present crisis – Isis is, after all, the product of the ill-considered Iraq War. And, as long as we mourn only our own dead, we cannot escape the accusation – frequently heard in the developing world – that the West has created a global hierarchy in which some lives are more valuable than others. – Karen Armstrong, from the New Statesman

This concept of double standards is also self-evident in the following two quotes:

Quite apart from our mournful Afghan adventure and our utterly illegal 2003 invasion of Iraq, our aircraft have been bombing Libya, Iraq and Syria along with the aircraft of various local pseudo-democracies for so long that this state of affairs has become routine, almost normal, scarcely worthy of a front-page headline. The Saudis are bombing Iraq and Syria and Yemen. The Jordanians are bombing Syria. The Emiratis are bombing Yemen. And now the French are bombing the Syrian city of Raqqa even more than they bombed the Syrian city of Raqqa two months ago – when President François Hollande did not tell us that France was “at war”. The point, of course, is that we had grown so used to attacking Arab lands – France had become so inured to sending its soldiers and air crews to Africa and the Middle East to shoot and bomb those whom it regarded as its enemies – that only when Muslims began attacking our capital cities did we suddenly announce that we were “at war”. – Robert Fisk, from the Independent, 19 Nov 2015

While the West has been living lavishly for sixty years, consuming with such ferocity that the trajectory of the planet’s biosphere has been forever altered, the rest of the world has become angry, sick of it all and willing to do whatever it takes to produce a better way of life for themselves. Because after all of the promises made and broken by the World Bank, the IMF, the United Nations, the rest of the world has lost its patience. The Islamic State is but a beginning of the kinds of self-organizing that will occur once the latest round of pacifist, neo-political activism fails. The West is bloated, soft and decadent. This decadence will not last; it never has and never will. – from adbusters.org, 11 Nov 2015


7) The numbers, when put in perspective, suggest we shouldn’t have to.

Remember, one out every four people on this planet…is a Muslim. We represent 1.6 billion people, and rising. You cannot take these statistically insignificant numbers out there and extrapolate from that that somehow Islam is an evil religion. The Ku Klux Klan at point had over 5 million members. The Ku Klux Klan was a Christian terrorist organisation in the United States that terrorised African Americans. So people need to put things in perspective, and I really think people fail to put these things in perspective. – Sheikh Hamza Yusuf, from an interview with Al Jazeera

Another scary thing to put into some perspective is this: White supremacists are a bigger threat to the US than radical Islam.


8) Faisal Kutty has written a brilliant article where he says…

  1. Muslims have roundly condemned these vile criminal acts and terrorism in general
  2. Terrorists represent Islam no more than the KKK represents Christianity or other fringe groups represent their respective traditions
  3. Islam unambiguously opposes terror tactics — terrorism is not a religious ritual but a military strategy
  4. Muslims are the main victims of terrorists
  5. Terrorism is not a ‘Muslim thing’

9) Pigeons don’t have to condemn.

Two days after the Paris attack, Gare du Nord railway station in central Paris was briefly evacuated at around midday after a minor explosion. News eventually emerged that the “large bang and apparent flash of light” was actually caused by a pigeon electrocuting itself on a power line. Which led to this comment from Independent reader Dost Khan:

Have other pigeons condemned it?


10) Muslims such as Foday Darboe do not think that ISIS speaks for them.

ISIS does not speak for me nor do I share any iota of their twisted beliefs. ISIS poses a direct challenge to the principle and vision of Islam and a threat to humanity. To say ISIS is un-Islamic is an understatement. In essence, ISIS is an international band of thugs using religion and terror to rape, kill, and extort money. Arguably, ISIS and their sympathizers are willfully and pridefully ignorant. Of course, cognitive dissonance is difficult to overcome. The sad part is that ISIS followers truly believe they have the right interpretation of Islam. Thus, they have created some delusional reality where they ignore tolerance, acceptance, inclusion and coexistence—the core principles of the religion. – Foday Darboe


11) Finally, never forget what ISIS really are, and thus why Muslims should never feel compelled to have to condemn them…

ISIS Death

ISIS? ISLAMIC? REALLY?

Like many others, the attacks in Paris have left me heart-broken, heart-broken on two levels. Firstly, there is the devastating loss of innocent life, both non-Muslim and Muslim (such as sisters Holima and Hodda Saadi) .Secondly, these mass murdering maniacs did what they did in the name of Islam, a religion that I peacefully follow.

These recent attacks took place close to the Charlie Hebdo offices, where a similar attack took place earlier this year. I also felt the personal need to blog about this tragic incident (herehere, here, and here).

And here we are again several months later talking in the same breath about Paris, Islam, and murder. I write this blog with the aim of showing how un-Islamic I think ISIS are, despite what people like author Reza Aslan may say from an academic perspective, or indeed what Graeme Wood may write in the Atlantic.

For the Muslim theologians out there, I am fully aware of how dangerous it is to declare an individual or a group as being outside of the fold of Islam but, you know what, with these ISIS guys I am more than willing to take my linguistic chances.

And to those Muslim apologists who may wish to blame the media, or the decadence of the west, or western foreign policy, or worldwide economic inequalities of poverty and deprivation, or grievances over imperialist slights, or the freemasons, or the more recent Iraq wars, etc, etc, let me make one thing clear: none of these things justify us Muslims raping, looting, pillaging, and mass murdering like drug-induced, crazy, psychotic, zealots. Nothing. Ever. If you disagree, then I would advise you to look at the life of the Prophet Muhammad and the early followers of Islam, to see how they coped in the face of adversity much greater than anything we Muslims face today.

Anways, here are points that I think everybody should be aware of…


They are Wahhabi extremists…

ISIS should never be referred to as “Sunni extremists”. To do so is factually incorrect and intellectually dishonest, as this phrase is a contradiction in terms. A Sunni by definition is orthodox and moderate. An extremist is the polar opposite. Likewise, they should not be called Salafis. Wahhbabis use this title in order to suggest that they follow the Salaf, the predecessors from the first 300 years after the time of the Prophet Muhammad, but their words and deeds contradict them. These people should be called what they actually are: Wahhabi extremists. They are NOT Muslims. Rather, they are enemies of Muslims and humanity at large.

terrors father


They are too extreme even for Al-Qaeda…

ISIS used to be Al-Qaeda in Iraq, but even Al-Qaeda found them to be too extreme, so they parted company from them. ISIS are on the furthest end of the conservative orthodoxy, in terms of beliefs, literal interpretation of seventh-century law and punishment, and what’s required of true believers for jihad.


They are more divisive than uniting…

ww3

ISIS are not interested in uniting all Muslims. This is why the conflict between Sunnis and Shias, especially in Iraq and Syria, sustains ISIS. One of the main divisive aims of ISIS is to establish a worldwide caliphate, the founding of which is ostensibly a declaration of war against the 60% of Iraqis who are Shia, and to Shia Muslims all over the globe.

It should be known that you cannot just declare an area of land to be part of an Islamic state. For example, I cannot waltz into Buckingham Palace and declare it to be part of my vision of an Islamic state. Ignoring the fact that I can’t actually waltz, there are many complications involved when declaring or setting up a legitimate Islamic state, none of which ISIS have addressed and probably never will. Instead ISIS are trying to rape, murder, and pillage their way to the establishment of a global caliphate. Good luck with that, let me know how you get on.

Furthermore, they want to start World War III, with their select group of Muslims on one side, and literally every other human being on the other:


There real motives are far from religious…

When people say groups like ISIS are Islamic I say hold on. What they have basically done is gone into the Islamic tradition in order to find whatever arguments they can, for whatever base desires they have, and to call this Islamic is intellectually dishonest, it’s an insult to our faith, it’s an insult or tradition, and it is ultimately inaccurate and not reflective of what these groups want. They will find any justification to do what they want because for them Islam is not about becoming a better person, but about licensing war and plunder and enslavement and death and oppression, and in that sense it is as far away from the Prophet Muhammad as one can possibly be. – from the YouTube clip ‘No, ISIS, You’re Not Islamic’ by Avenue M


They are so not representative of Muslims or Islam…

Yes, religion has a role to play when it comes to ISIS, but it is the role of self-justification……

The only claim ISIS have to being Islamic is that they claim to being Islamic. – from the YouTube clip ‘No, ISIS, You’re Not Islamic’ by Avenue M

I take objection to the fact that we even refer to this group as ‘Islamic State’. At what point are they acting [as Muslims]? If I call myself a zebra, do you then refer to me as a zebra? – comment made by an audience member on BBC’s Question Time, 19th November 2015

about as much as


They don’t understand religion, Islam, or how to interpret the Qur’an properly…

ISIS do not really understand the Qur’an. This is clear in their barbaric actions carried out against Muslims and non-Muslims, be they men, women, or children. ISIS quoting verses from the Qur’an to justify their actions is clear evidence that even the demons can quote scripture……

A verse in the Qur’an functions, in the Muslim tradition, in the same way a quote does in a research paper. It is part of an argument but it is not conclusive to the argument until you have seen and engaged with and dealt with the entirety of the tradition, which means the Qur’an, yes, but it also means the life of the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, how he embodied and practiced and taught the religion. That’s a very important point to make because people don’t get that, and when they don’t get that they begin to take bits and pieces out of the Islamic tradition and say “Well I found it right there, and it’s Islam.” And so they’ll say things like, and I saw this on Twitter earlier today, “Well there’s abolitionism in the Quran and in the Islamic tradition, and there’s enslavement, so both of these things are part of Islam.” Absolute nonsense! If you don’t understand Islam do us all a favour and learn something before you begin to pronounce on Islam. – from the YouTube clip ‘No, ISIS, You’re Not Islamic’ by Avenue M

The Quran [and] hadith according to whom? As interpreted by whom? As understood by whom?…Any organisation uses the dominant social medium of its society. Today, the dominant social currency in the Arab world is Islam. More than 90 per cent of Arab Muslims say religion is an important part of their daily life, according to Gallup research. Everyone, not just ISIS, speaks in Islamic language, from pro-democracy advocates to civil society groups fighting illiteracy…[therefore] a violent reading of the Quran is not leading to political violence. Political violence is leading to a violent reading of the Quran. – Dalia Mogahed, author

ISIS members…are using religion to advance a political vision, rather than using politics to advance a religious vision. – Mehdi Hasan


This is how they treat children…

I won’t go into how loving and caring the Prophet Muhammad was to his own children, his grand-children, and to orphans (i.e. very), but let’s just see how loving ISIS are towards kids……

other victims


They are not that practising of Islam…

…in 2008, a classified briefing note on radicalisation, prepared by MI5’s behavioural science unit, was obtained by the Guardian. It revealed: “Far from being religious zealots, a large number of those involved in terrorism do not practise their faith regularly. Many lack religious literacy and could…be regarded as religious novices.” The MI5 analysts noted the disproportionate number of converts and the high propensity for “drug-taking, drinking alcohol and visiting prostitutes”. – from the New Statesman

See also: Paris Terrorist Smoked ‘Alarming Amount Of Cannabis’, Drank Alcohol, And Never Went To A Mosque, Ex-Wife Claims


Muslim scholars around the world have condemned ISIS…

Many Muslim scholars and imams have made impassioned speeches declaring their academic and theological opposition to ISIS, scholars such as Shaykh Hamza Yusuf, Shaykh Muhammad Yaqoubi, Imam Nouman Ali Khan, Shaykh Faraz Rabbani, Dr Bilal Philips, Shaykh Abdal Hakim Murad (“Just as Christianity in Bosnia 20 years ago was not properly represented by the churchgoing militias of Radovan Karadzic and just as Judaism is not represented by West Bank settlers who burn mosques, so, too, Islam is not represented by ISIS.”), Alyas Karmani, and many others……

Whether Sunni or Shia, Salafi or Sufi, conservative or liberal, Muslims – and Muslim leaders – have almost unanimously condemned and denounced ISIS not merely as un-Islamic but actively anti-Islamic. Consider the various statements of Muslim groups such as the Organisation of Islamic Co-operation, representing 57 countries (ISIS has “nothing to do with Islam”); the Islamic Society of North America (ISIS’S actions are “in no way representative of what Islam actually teaches”); al-Azhar University in Cairo, the most prestigious seat of learning in the Sunni Muslim world (ISIS is acting “under the guise of this holy religion…in an attempt to export their false Islam”); and even Saudi Arabia’s Salafist Grand Mufti, Abdul Aziz al ash-Sheikh (ISIS is “the number-one enemy of Islam”). In September 2014, more than 120 Islamic scholars co-signed an 18-page open letter to Baghdadi [the self-declared leader of ISIS], written in Arabic, containing what the Slate website’s Filipa Ioannou described as a “technical point-by-point criticism of ISIS’S actions and ideology based on the Quran and classical religious texts”. – Mehdi Hasan

If you think Muslims aren’t condemning ISIS, it’s not because Muslims aren’t condemning ISIS. It’s because you’re not listening to Muslims. – Hend Amry


Even non-Muslims like David Cameron know ISIS are not really Muslims…

In the annual Lord Mayor’s Banquet speech at London’s Guildhall, which took place on the 16th of November 2015, a few days after the terrorist attacks in Paris, the British Prime Minister David Cameron said the following……

[We are] dealing with radicalised European Muslims, linked to ISIL in Syria and inspired by a poisonous narrative of extremism…The root cause of this threat is the poisonous ideology of extremism itself. This ideology, this diseased view of the world, has become an epidemic – infecting minds from the mosques of Mogadishu to the bedrooms of Birmingham. And we have to stop it at the start – stop this seed of hatred even being planted in people’s minds, let alone allowing it to grow. That means confronting the ideology with our own liberal values, exposing this extremism for what it is – a belief system that glorifies violence and subjugates its people – not least Muslim people…Of course, this extremist ideology is not true Islam. That cannot be said clearly enough. But it is not good enough to say simply that Islam is a religion of peace and then to deny any connection between the religion of Islam and the extremists. Why? Because these extremists are self-identifying as Muslims. From Tunisia to the streets of Paris, these murderers all spout the same twisted narrative that claims to be based on a particular faith. To deny that is to disempower the critical reforming voices that want to challenge the scriptural basis on which extremists claim to be acting – the voices that are crucial in providing an alternative worldview that could stop a teenager’s slide along the spectrum of extremism. We can’t stand neutral in this battle of ideas…


Here’s a few more comments about ISIS from various people…

ISIS is the most remorselessly slaughter-hungry creed to stalk the continent [of Europe] since the 1930s [i.e. since the Nazis]. – Rafael Behr

By what logic would this gang of killers, which has been universally condemned and brutalises Muslims more than anyone else, get to represent the global [Muslim] community? – Dalia Mogahed, author

No religion condones the killing of innocents, and the vast majority of ISIL’s victims have been Muslim. ISIL is a terrorist organization, pure and simple. And it has no vision other than the slaughter of all who stand in its way. – President Barack Obama

…even from the viewpoint of a casual observer, ISIS is an abomination to Islam…just because you shout God’s name while committing murder doesn’t make your actions righteous…They have sparked the rage of Iraqi Muslims by carelessly blowing up copies of the Qur’an, and they have killed their fellow Muslims, be they Sunni or Shia. Even extremist Muslims who engage in warfare have strict rules of engagement and prohibitions against harming women and children, but ISIS has opted to ignore even this by slaughtering innocent youth and using rape and sexual slavery as a weapon. –  Igor Volsky & Jack Jenkins

I think the arsewipes that call themselves ISIS are, well, arsewipes, and not representatives of the rest of the Muslim world…Islamic State need recruits and they have two steps to get them. 1) Create an uprising against Muslims in the West by carrying out attacks in the name of Allah. 2) Then when young Muslims feel rejected by Western society, make ISIS look like a cool alternative…It seemed to me that a good way of combatting this would be 1) be nice to non-ISIS related Muslims (ie the vast majority of Muslims) and 2) make ISIS look like idiots. – Adam Hills, comedian

Even George Galloway has called ISIS a “death cult.”


They’ve made John Oliver angry…


And they made this guy angry as well…


Here’s a cartoon explaining the difference between ISIS and Muslims…

isis and muslims


And the final word goes to the always brilliant and brutally honest Mr. Fish

world dumbination

SOME CLIPS ABOUT MUHAMMAD ALI

The recent merciless events in Paris clearly demonstrate once more how some Muslims have no regard for humanity. As my still-believing heart breaks yet again I am reminded of a Muslim who is the opposite of those killers who stalked the Parisian streets, someone who is a defender and lover of all humanity.

Muhammad Ali is someone I have blogged about before (here and here) and will no doubt blog about again. I came across this amazing fact about Ali: by 1980, according to the Guinness Book of World Records, Muhammad Ali had surpassed Abraham Lincoln, Jesus Christ, and Napoleon as the most written-about person in history, a point repeated by Oprah Winfrey in one of her TV shows.

Muhammed Ali, heavyweight champion sits at Black Muslim meeting in Chicago February 26, 1967, as Elijah Muhammed, leader of the religious sect addresses some 10,000 members of his sect in Illinois.   (AP Photo/Paul Cannon)

Below are three videos, all transcribed as usual, about Muhammad Ali. The first is my favourite scholar Shaykh Hamza Yusuf speaking about the Islamic character of Ali. The second is another Muslim scholar, the brilliant Dr Sherman Abdul-Hakim Jackson, himself a black American man, who reflects on the impact of Muhammad Ali and the value of sincere, principled service. The third clip is the man himself talking about his ‘bodyguard’.

I’ve also added two bonus clips, one where Ali, way back in the 1970’s, speaks about a black man being president. The other is Ali trying to explain the basics of creation and a Creator. Enjoy!


Muhammad Ali Following The Sunnah – Shaykh Hamza Yusuf

I have done my own poll of asking people of different nationalities and different countries: who is the most beloved athlete of the 20th century? Almost invariably every person that I have asked, without thinking, has said Muhammad Ali. And I say, “Isn’t it interesting that a black man who is a Muslim and has the name ‘Muhammad’ is the most beloved athlete in the world? Why is that?”

The reason I believe is very simple: he embodies, in his own way, certain aspects of the sunnah of his Prophet. Even those who fought the Prophet Muhammad, secretly admired him. They secretly admired him.

Because Muhammad Ali was beautiful, he was beautiful to look at. When he smiled, that smile penetrated the hearts of even people that didn’t like him. He had absolute self-confidence. When he spoke, he spoke with complete certainty. He had no self-doubts.

When the microphone was stuck in his face after fighting a very intense fight with Sonny Liston at the age of 22, when most boxers would have had eyes so swollen you could not see them, and they would be so dumbed and dazed by being pulverised by the heavyweight champion of the world. When Cassius Clay had that microphone put in front of his face, what did he tell the world? And the world was listening. He said: “I’m 22 years old, I don’t have a scratch on my face, and I’m beautiful. I talk to God every day, I must be the greatest! I just beat Sonny Liston.”

Because all the odds were against him. Muhammad Ali was a winner. He was a winner. Even when he lost, he was a winner. Because we forget that losers can be winners, and the Prophet was always winning. When he went to [the village of] Ta’if and they mocked him, they threw stones at him, they caused his feet to bleed. What did he say in his dua [prayer]? “O Lord of the oppressed, who will You leave me with? To an enemy that will treat me like that? To some distant person who knows nothing of me? If You are not angry with me, I have no concerns.”

That is the dua of the Prophet, in what appeared to be the lowest point of his mission. His point was: this is all from You and I recognise that, because this is the nature of the struggle.


Muhammad Ali: Courage & Principled Service

I want to start by just pointing out that service, if it’s to be meaningful, it has to be principled. People who are not sincere, they will often try to fool society, they will try to manipulate society, even exploit society, all in the name of service. They want to bring society to a point where society feels a debt to them for the service that they have allegedly offered, where in point of fact what they’re really doing is making a down payment on the pursuit of their own interests.

And what we have to understand is that as a Muslim community, for our service to be meaningful, for it to have a long term effect, for it to be transformative of the society in which we live, it must be principled. And that means that in our offering of service we have to be people of character, not just people of interests, and we cannot fall into the service discourse just in order to buy a little positive press or to deflect a little bit of negative attention. We have to truly be like those people about whom Allah says in the Qur’an…“We feed you for the sake of God, we do not want from you either any reward or any remunerative thanks. We do this for the pleasure of God.”

And I think that as Brother Dawud said, one of the things that we have to understand about non-Muslim Americans: they’re not stupid. And if we want to talk about building alliances, being able to enlist the goodwill of non-Muslims in society, we have to be people that demonstrate courage and principled commitment. That is what will bring the best out of non-Muslims in America.

I remember a story written by a sports writer and he was talking about Muhammad Ali, who I hope we will all keep in our dua, and Muhammad Ali at the time had been stripped of his title…you have got to remember this is a man in his 20’s, his 20’s, forfeiting millions. I remember every time I see it on television I get tears in my eyes. Muhammad Ali is sitting on television, he has this big FOI hat on, and they say “Well, you know, you’re going to be stripped of your title and you may go to prison.” And he said the following: “Well, whatever the consequences maybe, I will not renounce the religion of Islam. I’m ready to die. If they put me before a firing squad tomorrow, I’m ready to die.”

That’s what he said. This sports writer said this, he said: “My father was not a man who was all that given to all this civil rights jazz. And in fact my father in the last election voted for George Wallace.”

The man who said what? “Segregation now, segregation tomorrow, segregation forever.”

He voted for George Wallace! When he saw Muhammad Ali make that statement, you know what he said? He said: “You know, I don’t really know a lot about this young man, but a man gets very few opportunities to stand up in life and be a man, and this man is standing up and being a man.”

And you know who his father voted for in the next election? George McGovern, the most liberal candidate perhaps, I won’t say most, but a very, very liberal candidate. He was transformed by the sincerity that he saw in Muhammad Ali, being willing to stand up and sacrifice for his own values.

This is the model that we as a Muslim community must follow in America. So when it comes to service we must be sincere in our service. We must be people of character, we cannot be simply people of interest and we should not be misled by the seemingly short term gains that will ultimately undermine us in the long term. And we should not be misled by this.

Non-Muslim Americans are a lot like Nietzsche, the German philosopher. Nietzsche once said: “My genius is in my nostrils, I can smell them a mile away.” And non-Muslim Americans, especially when it comes to religious people, they can smell insincerity a mile away.

And let us not be like the man who goes down into the manhole and spends all day there and his clothing absorbs all the stench of the manhole, but when he comes out he can’t smell it, and therefore he thinks other people can’t smell it. We should not be that kind of a community, we have to be a community of a principal.


Who’s Your Bodyguard? – Muhammad Ali

Michael Parkinson: Do you have a bodyguard?

Muhammad Ali: No, I have One bodyguard. He has no eyes though He sees. He has no ears though He hears. He remembers everything with the aid of mind and memory. When He wishes to create a thing, He just orders it to be and it comes into existence, but this order does not convey the words which takes the tongue to form like our sound carries ears. He hears the secrets of those on the quite thoughts. He stops those whom…who’s that? That’s God, Allah. He’s my bodyguard. He’s your bodyguard. He’s the Supreme, The Wise.


Bonus clips…

Muhammad Ali Predicts Obama Presidency in 1971

Muhammad Ali giving an amazing speech

OMAR SHARIF WASN’T THE ONLY MUSLIM ACTOR FAMOUS IN AMERICA…

Here are five links and ten quotes, including one about actors. Enjoy!


Omar Sharif Wasn’t The Only Muslim Actor Famous In America. Here Are 5 Others.

“Omar Sharif…was one of a growing list of Muslim actors (he converted), and certainly one of the most famous.”


American Qu’ran Makes A Sacred Text Familiar

“The artist Sandow Birk has created a illuminated manuscript of Islam’s holy book that juxtaposes its writings with pictures of American life.”


To A Courageous Palestinian Mother

A brilliant article about Wedad Saqa, “an exiled Palestinian mother and artist who supports herself with artistic work and artistically baked pastries.”


Karachi Vice: Inside The City Torn Apart By Killings, Extortion And Terrorism

I have written before about Pakistan’s descent into the mouth of madness. This article is a further confirmation of that view…“In the past decade and a half, terror attacks have become just another element of a crime wave in Karachi that is virtually an insurgency…For the 23 million people who live there, crime has become a central part of life, as commonplace as traffic jams and power cuts.”


Mecca Then And Now, 128 Years Of Growth

“In the late 1880s, the photographer Al Sayyid Abd al Ghaffar carried cumbersome equipment to the desert city of Mecca, capturing scenes of thousands of Muslim pilgrims camped in the surrounding hills and valleys during the Hajj. Today, more than 125 years later, more than two million Hajj pilgrims descended on Mecca, which has grown drastically to accommodate the annual gathering. Gathered here is a series of photographs from al Ghaffar taken sometime around 1887, compared with images from similar locations taken in 2015.”


Quotes…

Four quotes that explain why need to be a wee bit more mindful of what’s in our heads…

  • Watch your thoughts for they become words. Watch your words for they become actions. Watch your actions for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become your character. And watch your character, for it becomes your destiny! What we think we become. – from the movie The Iron Lady (2011), about Margaret Thatcher
  • You should repulse a thought. If you do not do so, it will develop into a desire. You should therefore wage war against it. If you do not do so, it will become a resolution and firm intention. If you do not repulse this, it will develop into a deed. If you do not make up for it by doing the opposite thereof [the opposite of that evil deed], it will become a habit. It will then be very difficult for you to give it up. – Ibn Al–Qayyim, from his book Al–Fawaid
  • Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behavior. Keep your behavior positive because your behavior becomes your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny. – Mahatma Gandhi
  • The beginning of knowledge is the intention, then listening, then understanding, then action, then preservation, and then spreading it. – Ibn Al–Mubarak

And six more to make it a round ten…

  • If you truly appreciated the blessings of Allah, if you truly understood the nature of this world and the worth of this world, then you would never complain about money. – Anon
  • If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. – Dorothy Parker
  • A celebrity is a product that the media manufactures today…just so they will have something to say tomorrow. – Mokokoma Mokhonoana
  • A child who reads will be an adult who thinks. – Anon
  • Some say the devil be a mystical thing. I say the devil he a walking man. He a fool he a liar, conjurer and a thief. He try to tell you what you want, try to tell you what you need. – lyrics from the song Crossroads by Tracy Chapman
  • All that powder, perfume and paint, makes me wonder some girls are what they ain’t. – lyrics from the song Yo Frankie by Dion Dimucci

ISLAM AND HUMOUR – PART 6 – A BALTI OF LINKS

The point of this particular blog post is to prove, once and for all, that we Muslims do actually have a sense of humour, we can laugh at ourselves, and we do find funny things, erm, well, funny. If you give us a chance then you will see what a comedic web we Muslims can indeed weave.

Halal things considered, there is a monumental amount out there when it comes to Islam and humour. I have hopefully collated many of the best links below. There are links to stand up comedy that are hilarious, serious, surreal, and some to links that are brutal yet thought provoking, messing with your moral and social boundaries. As Sharon Lougher said in metro.co.uk on 16th Oct 2015: “The best comedians should make your mind do backflips.”

Here’s hoping that this blog post does in fact make your mind backflip at least once.

Yes there are loads of links, a balti full if you like, and whilst I don’t expect anyone to check out every single link (believe me, I could have added so much more), hopefully there are enough to prove Lewis Carroll correct when he said: “Everything is funny, if you can laugh at it.” And this blog post is my heart felt attempt at laughing at ‘it’.

So if anyone, and I do mean anyone, says to you that those bloody Muslims are always angry, just point them in this direction please, thanking you muchly in advance.

Anyways, enough psycho-analysing, enjoy…


BLOGS


WIKIPEDIA


NEWS PARODIES


ARTICLES


TV AND RADIO


MOVIES & DOCUMENTARIES


MUSLIM COMEDY FESTIVALS


99 MUSLIM COMEDIANS (YES, 99 EXACTLY, COUNT THEM IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME)

The comedian listed below are either Muslim or non-Muslims saying humorous things about Muslims and Islam. As there are so many of them, I’ve provided links to some but not to all, so if you are interested in any then please feel free to Google their names…

  • Aamer Rahman, Aaron Kader, Aasif Mandvi, Aatif Nawaz, Abdullah Afzal, Adil Ray, Aditi Mittal, Ahir Shah, Ahmed Ahmed…
  • …Ali Al Sayed, Ali Hassan, Ali Shahalom, Aman Ali, Anil Desai, Aron Kader, Ayesha Hazarika…
  • …Azeem Muhammad, Azhar Usman, Baba Ali, Bassem Youssef, Dave Chappelle, Dean Obeidallah…
  • …Dina Hashem, Dieudonne, Elham Jazab, Fahad Albutairi, Fariaz Rabbani, Gibran Saleem, Guzzy Bear…
  • …Hani Almadhoun, Hardeep Singh Kohli, Hasan Minhaj…
  • …Jeff Dunham (Achmed The Dead Terrorist), Jeff Mirza, Maria Shehata, Mawaan Rizwan, Max Amini, Maysoon Zayid, Maz Jobrani, Meena Dimian…
  • …Melissa Shoshani, Mickey Sharma, Mike Batayeh, Mohammed Amer, Mohammed El-leissy, Mona Shaikh, Mona Yousefi, Mustafa Saed, Nabil Abdul Rashid, Nadia Kamil, Nadine Rajabi…
  • …Nasim Pedrad, Nasir Abdul Rahim, Nazeem Hussain, Negin Farsad, Nick Mohammed, Nihal, Nish Kumar, Omar Elba, Omar Marzouk…
  • …Omar Regan, Omid Djalili, Paul Chowdhry, Paul Sinha, Preacher Moss, Prince Abdi, Ramy Youssef, Ray Hanania, Riaad Moosa, Ronnie Khalil, Saad Haroon (Burka Woman), Sabrina Jalees…
  • …Sadia Azmat, Said Durrah, Sajeela Kershi, Sakdiyah Ma’ruf, Sami Shah, Samson Koletkar, Sana Khan, Shaista Aziz, Shappi Khorsandi, Shazia Mirza…
  • Shehzad Ghias Shaikh, Sheno Khal, Sherwin Arae, Sunda Croonquist, Superwoman aka Lilly Singh, Tazzy Phe, Tehran Ghasri, Tez Ilyas, Tissa Hami, Travina Springer…
  • …Zahra Noorbakhsh…

Please also see previous blog posts, beginning with part 1.